between the doorway

it's true. my professor told me that, when you leave your country to study overseas, you're actually in the doorway between your country and the country you go to get education.

how? why must it be doorway? why not just i immerse myself into the walls of London and still attach myself to the smell of green forests early in the morning in front of my house in Malaysia? it's possible. but we can never get enough of just one world. sometimes, it's the best of both worlds.

i didn't believe this when my writing prof told me this. i thought i was adjusting well in London; a place that i've come to adore despite its unpredictable weather and the sharp immaculate British accent as I hear snippets of conversations on the streets. i thought everything was the same; what with the UK road system also used in Malaysia and how everything is on the right instead of the left like in the US (I will need to deal with the left-ness of US next year once I reach into the concrete jungle of NYC) i felt the same despite the everlasting layers of clothes i need to wear just to step out of my flat. i thought i was the same, the same old girl with tempers to deal with, parents who just can't really acknowledge that I'm already an adult living my own world out there, my annoying siblings that i miss dearly and a boyfriend to look forward when i go home, loving the way Indian food in London tried its best to mimic the wonder of spices used in Malaysia. ah! the list goes on and on. i can keep drone on if only you can bear with me.

no. it IS different. the proof? i'm here. now. in Malaysia. missing London that I hate so much because of the weather (I love the city though). Irrefutably, I love wearing simple attires with no eccentricities of matching my grey scarf with my pink coat, choosing which boots to wear to avoid slipping on the challenging icy path on the way to class. i can wear sandals, slippers. heck, i can wear shorts when i'm at home. :) why the clothings seem so significant? they're just clothes. hell no they're not. :) in London, i tend to reserve myself (something that my friends in malaysia will ridicule if they see this and my friends in London understand completely). in KL, i am back to my boisterous nature, loud, sunny, happy. funny how the clothes i wear can just affect my openness. luckily i do not need to cover up my head with layers of head scarves or else, i would never have the chance to think about this. haha...:)

not just personality that has changed. my senses are more alert. i become aware of the tiny details that i've always neglected on the roads as i drive my dearest car, ignorant of the glinting roofs of the house near the roundabout or the rusting yellow bus parked in front of my sisters' school. food? food was extremely delicious. i used to hate chilli, now i asked for more (although still at a very low rate compared to my sisters who love anything overly spicy), realizing that my tongue has tasted bland food for quite a while. not that the Brits do not have delicious food, it's just that, I grew up with the aroma of spice and the sharpness of taste as my body endeavoured the ecstasy of Malaysian food. :)

senses. personality. sounds pretty cliche. sounds like you're heard it from your mother who went overseas or your friend who experienced the same thing. yes, you've heard about how people changed. maybe that's why travelling broadens your knowledge. not only in the geographical, historical senses. but the way your soul change. your senses. your personality. you. change.

now, i think my neighbour is cooking nasi lemak. hmm...

oh. Mum called. time to gulp down her world class fried rice.

cutenya!

i've heard of people thinking that women wearing the hijab are either bald or have bad hair. haha...i didn't believe it at first.

until three people confessed to me that they thought i'm bald. =.="

i don't feel insulted tho. haha. i find it cute somehow. i love seeing their faces the first time i let this hair of mine get exposed in front of the girls. :) bila nmpk my hair, they'll gush...n say wow..nurul..we've never seen your hair.

my reply? 'did u think i hv no hair?' *they'll blush n nod* hehe. :)

when i first came here, my flatmates were pretty cool about seeing my hair. so i thought, no one can think i'm bald ryte? but they have a different case pulak. i took out my telekung n sejadah...they admitted that's the first time they see muslim praying up close. :) at first, they were pretty afraid and curious of what i recite in my prayers and they were like reallyyyyyyyy worried on why i had to pray so many times. :) haha...after a lot of explanations and girl talk about period and stuff....they understand that i'm not that different pun. :) just kene solat. n pakai tudung n jaga diri elok2. :) as in no drinking n drugs. :)

sometimes when they're drunk, they'll say, nurul how we wish you can go out partying with us n drink some beer or play tequila game or something...wear nail polish, get high and show my hair. n wear make up everyday...:) hehehe...well, girls...i'm happy as who i am ryte now. i may not have a night life here, but in Malaysia, i can get pretty wild. >:) remembering the midnight trips to kedai mamak, wayang and all...my idea of having fun is just different. :) but i accept the way you girls are. just like you accept me. :)

truthfully, it gets lonely sometimes. they even think i'm sweet n innocent (kalau laaaa kawan2 msia tau ni..mau kene gelak...) but x kisah. masing2 ada pegangan masing2, n i love how they respect me n xde pulak nk prejudice ke apa ke. :) Thank God. :)

London: Arsenal & Chelsea

Went to the Emirates Stadium and Stamford Bridge yesterday. With my buddy, Akmal.

Frankly, Emirates impressed me more..duh~~ they just built a new stadium..of course la lawa..hehhehe....we didn't get to go inside coz we didn't book the stadium tour thingy. but serius awesome. i mean, it's nothing really, cause i felt like i was in some kind of a daze or something when i saw the place. Grand might not be able to actually describe the place, but the aura..fuhh...Gunners ganas woo. :)

as for chelsea, kinda disappointed me. HAHA. i mean, they have cool posters on the walls around the stadium, but......their stadium looked more like an office rather than for a place where people shout and yell supporting the Blues. imagine the blues i felt when i saw..how...well...how normal..Stamford Bridge is. HAHA. :)

of course, other than thousands of pics...(180 je kot), we went shopping. chelsea has two storeyed store. arsenal? TWO different stores at one stadium. =.="

Akmal went crazy as if he had seen the 'Light' when he saw the Arsenal logo. first time i ever saw a guy overwhelmed with emotions when seeing a LOGO. a freaking football logo. chill, man. i love football too. but i don't worship it. HAHA. :)

the weather was of course..cold. nothing new about that.

but the warmth we both shared when going to these two stadiums we only heard in news before....was good enough to make us forget the biting wind.

:)

Viva Chelsea. Gunners? Rock on. both of you color the football world.

next up, Anfield and Old Trafford. :) oh yeah..White Hart Lane anyone? :)

essays

just got my essay for my social book review today. the grade? let's just say, it's not my best. and i could have done better. even for my cultural class, my essay was disappointing. but it's ok. i can do this. maybe i'm still adjusting to the new environment where every subject is not scientifically objective and has many twists and turns to approach.

i need to write like everything in essay form. for social, for cultural, for WRITING (naturally) class and my fave econs too.

coming here, i realized that my English actually became worse. i'm pretty freaked out when they, especially the professors, keep on saying that, it's ok ,we understand that you don't come from an English speaking country or English is your second language or third language. somehow, i just don't get it. are we (or am i ) really that stupid that my grammar is disastrous or my word choices are just too complex for non-English people like us? they said that, ah yess....u r indeed intelligent but we might need to send you to an English intensive program. Now, I do NOT mind at all going there to ask for the professor to read my essays and i must say, i was pretty impressive. i get the benefit that other so-called English speaking kids don't. i get extra attention and that advantage is totally for my gain. :) hehehehe....

thinking back, am i intimidated by my international friends who speak English better despite coming from China, Korea and so on? or is it maybe because they had their American education style ever since they live in the US? or is it just me again, being insecure of myself.

blaaaa..blaaa..blaaaa.....get it out of your head, girl. think of your strength. and conquer your weaknesses. (better stop before i ramble on)

Culture shock or just different culture?

Well, if you guys heard or seen in the media that LONDON is awesome, think again.

If you've ever heard that the British people are reserved, believe me...they're TOO reserved to the point of being COLD. maybe it's their dark gloomy weather that has shaped this sort of 'reserved' culture'. if so, London will most probably only be warm and friendly during the summer. during the winter? i might have problems during that time...=.="

proof that they're 'reserved':

1. when you smile, they look at you as if you're a psychotic person, got loose on the streets from an asylum. (ok, maybe i'm exaggerating but still, they have 'that' look)

2. when you smile, or nod your head, they either look away, or just stare at you blankly.

3. when you walk, you say sorry, they only grunt and just keep on moving.

4. when you look at their babies, or children, and the infants and kids smile and laugh at your funny faces, they immediately remove the infant from your sight.

5. when you say hello, they might answer briefly, perhaps coldly, hi. IF you're lucky.

6. their customer's rights are kept well. and their treatment in the stores are just lovely. but once they close, eventhough you're a regular customer in their store, they MIGHT not even know you.

7. when you do kindness, they look at you as if you're a God or some kind of a prophet.

8. my friend once saw this scene in a super market, this boy was short of fifteen pence fromthe things that he bought, a seven year old kid, on the verge of tears, saying, "i'm sorry, i thought i had enough!" and the cashier went like, well, you gotta put one thing back in order to pay for all the stuff. =.=" how cold is that? and there was all these people, some wearing Prada shoes and super branded coats, were NOT even helping this kid out, with FIFTEEN PENCE. at last, my friend, (we're all broke college student), gave this boy fifteen pence and he looked at her like she's some kind of a Goddess. :) some people are just heartless. :)

9. in the tube, you either shut up and don't stare at people's faces or plug in your earphone, and engross yourself with your nails or something. as long as you don't look, or speak to anyone in the tube. =.="

10. when you see all this thing, and experience them, you miss the warmth at home. i mean, both literally and contextually. even i can turn into a 'reserved' person if this persists.

Anyway, these are just my negative views. Not EVERYONE in UK is like that. maybe it's just the city like any other cities. even back in my country, we have this sort of problem. But STILL.....

maybe it's just me being homesick and starting to find faults in the place i'm living ryte now. hahaha...(^_^) *cheers*

Changed; yet remain the same.

For the sun rays peeping behind the towers,

for the rain that falls on the cobbled streets,

for the hopes and dreams vibrant around me,

for the anxiety and fear building on the walls,

I know I shall make it through it all,

changed; yet remain the same.

Love

Learnt about love in class today. from the Epic of Gilgamesh.

basically, in my interpretation, it's about homosexual love between Gilgamesh n Enkidu (i'll leave u two to read about these two). but it's not the point. read below.

it's pretty wonderful when my professor came up with this question, "has anyone of you ever fallen in love??". NOBODY raised their hands including me. maybe it's just an embarassing moment when people just won't admit that they're vulnerable and their hearts are at someone's mercy.

we discussed about how love can change people, in this epic's context, to be better. and indeed, i must agree that love DOES open up my VULNERABILITY, i need my loved ones all the time and it will hurt me badly if anything happen to anyone that i care about. but vulnerability here is not a negative meaning. it shows that you're humane, and you have emotions. i used to be cynical, to be so anti-men, believing that they are horrible creatures that God created to oppress women. (i know in Islam we're equal and all, still, i gotta admit, n Yusuf knows about how feminist i can be), my views are somehow contaminated with bad relationships, divorces, guys being jerks, in short, TRUST and LOVE are for those who are lucky enough to have them.

what i understood was, love, is a God's gift. true, it can hurt you, it can cause you to be irrational and it can give the ultimate happiness or devastation in your life. this is vulnerable. this is being human. these are our emotions.

so, if we deny LOVE, we're denying our very own existence and nature. don't deny that you've fallen in love. or fallen OUT of love. or faced rejection. or simply accepted but then it didn't turn out like waht u expected. don't worry if you're hurt once or twice or in my case, thrice, but despite my cynical ways, my faith helped me open up to someone who doesn't believe and trust people before either.

i dunno why m sharing this thing with u, nabilah and Iqbal (can't really talk about love to my sisters coz they're still in school..=.="). maybe i just wanted to say, i'm glad i know how to love. with all my heart (shared with the love of God, parents, siblings, relatives, friends).

muahx! :)

homesickness, perhaps.

sometimes, it's eerie, i can feel your kiss, your hug.

and without me realizing, i cry.

you may think i am weak.

but the tears that fall,

those are the ones giving me strength.

sometimes, it's eerie,

to see your face in the crowd,

and as i get near,

the person looks nothing like you,

perfect with your imperfections,

i feel this heart ache,

craving to hear your laughter,

dying to see your smile,

raging to feel your hand brushed against mine,

but i know.

you wouldn't want me to think about all these.

if only you know how hard it is for me,

to wait for you,

that anticipation broken when nothing came from you,

that small joy when seeing you through the windows on my screen,

you told me not to wait,

but what if my whole life right now, i depend on you?

i can't really tell my parents, i'm scared,

i can't really admit to my siblings, i'm sad,

i can't confess to my best friend, i feel bad

but i turn to you instead.

for my vulnerability is yours,

for my trust is yours,

for my love is also yours.

and then,

i look at the clock,

the time ticking away,

waiting for the day for me to go home.

look further beyond

it's really interesting how first impression always seem to prove you wrong. like, prejudice. u see someone's face like he or she is snobbish, turns out, u guys share the same crazy laughter.

u see someone looks at you like you're some kind of a loser, a freak, at the end of the day, he or she comes to you and confesses, you're admirable.

u see someone who is just carefree, like nothing in the world worries them, but then, he or she, comes to you, with an anxious look, admitting being constantly worried, asking for your advice on how to overcome the problems with his or her work.

u see someone who seems to flirt with every guy or girl he or she can get, in the end, you know how faithful he or she is to their other halves. :)

so, u see, not everyone is like how we perceive them.

sometimes, you just gotta be out there, and learn that prejudice or assumptions just lead you to another interesting part of someone. :)

being far apart

it's not painful.

yet once it pierces, the wound doesn't really heal.

who said it's easy?

yet who said it's challenging?

i still have you.

in my mind,

woven deep down in my heart,

in the reverie of my memories.

and that's all that matters.

missing the language

it's been three weeks since i first set my feet out of malaysian soil. homesickness? excitement? anxiety? everything's jumbled up in the drumming beats of my heart.

to jot down the things or people that I miss, well, let's just say, it'll be one heck of a long list. but then, when i come here, i realized that i really missed malaysian language (with all the rojak2 one). it mesmerized me on how i took it for granted all these years. :) just like how the english speaking people take their grammar rules for granted too just because they thought speaking the language is enough to master it. :) trust me, we gotta LIVE in the language. :) and we've been doing it without us realising.

whenever i meet another muslim, yes, they're my brothers n sisters too. but they're not Malaysian, they don't speak Malaynglish or Malay like people at home do. it is true, that our language IS unique. maybe some people won't agree so but here, I've met French, Greek, Spanish, Taiwanese, Chinese (china mali) and italian. and they all love their own mother tongue and use it as much as possible although we communicate in English. the Korean gang ( i call them gang because they're so clustered together) will speak ONLY in korean when they're with their fellow countrymen.

there was this hilarious incident which my new bestie, Rachel Marie, she sometimes like to pronounce things in Malay. she had this funny slang of pronouncing my full name. here, they don't call me hidayah because it's kinda hard on their tongue. hehehe....even my name Nurul they made it sound like NEWRUL. which is coincidentally my email address too. =.=" the other day, she thought she knew what she was saying in FB when she tried to type a sentence based on the words i've written on my wall and status.

surprisingly, the sentence make sense, maybe it's just her luck or maybe she used Google translator which i doubt because the mistakes she made with the grammar (now i sound like my BM teacher) were kind of genuine. :)

the best part is, when i skype or meet any Malaysian in the streets, when we speak, the others will be just as fascinated to listen as they will when hearing languages alien to their tongues. :) and they will never really know when i swear in Malay. :)

touched.

i can never thank you enough. you made me feel touched with those kind words, those inspirational reminders.

you made me feel like crying yet i hold back my tearful emotions because i know you're trying to make me feel stronger with your love and support.

you're a good friend, buddy. and you know you are. best friend to me. Thank you for remembering me in your prayers when others won't even remember me in their memories.

i want all of us to share the same success in our lives. no matter where and what you do, you know success is always there, somehow just reachable if you work hard for it. so, for now, my friend, let's study. then, let's achieve our material dreams of monetary luxuries.... hehe...and then, let's make this love and friendship last till the end of time. :)

take good care of yourself too. we'll keep in touch despite the distance, weather and time differences. :) it's gonna be tough but knowing i have you somewhere out there supporting me, i know i'll make it through.

may Allah bless us all. :)

p/s: since i'm not going to celebrate raya here with you, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf zahir dan batin.

wonderful weekend.

I had fun this final weekend i'm here in Malaysia before I leave for London. :)

Starting with Friday, I hung out with my besties in UNITEN. Sogo and Jalan TAR were our shopping destinations although at the end of the day, Iqbal and I just sat down watching cars caught in a traffic jam because we were tooooo exhausted. Lanie and Atul were the ones who maintained their shopping stamina till the end when I saw Amore and Ain resting in the prayer room at Sogo. :) as for my dear Lina, she's having her sweet time with Syuk. :) We did nothing much together except when we broke fast together because we were all searching for our own stuff. But, I HAD FUN. that's important. super tired but happy. and I love you people. the ones that matter to me in UNITEN. :)

Saturday, I spent my time with my Shahian 0408 buddies. KLCC was our spot. break fasting picnic style at the park. :) was a lil bit surprised at how large the crowd was and was thrilled with who turned up for the event. it felt like old times when we annoyed each other constantly in class although not all of us are classmates. :) and it felt good. cameras flashed thanks to Slurp, Jpah, Burn and Shahir. :) naqi, hana and hawa had to change their sunway plans. out of nowhere, Fadzir and Con came. :) Nabilah was there to get to know iqbal. fahrid, piju, rabab, fie, ain and suha with their excessive conquer on the cameras. a'a with his lovely 'daughters'. and i blushed a lot when they teased me with him. and we all ate NOISILY at a side of the park. haha..:) to those who attended the event, I just wanted to thank you people because all of you made it a memorable day for me. one sweet moment I know I'll miss the next time you all have another gathering. :)

Sunday, i decided to spend time with my family after soooo much complaining from my dad and brother. =.=" but it's worth it. i know i won't be going to kampung for this year's raya, so, when I turned around to see that lovely house of my grandparents, there was this lump in my throat. Not sadness, just the thought that I won't be able to laugh and tease all my cousins when they all balik kampung nanti. i didn't get to send my bro off to his school but it's ok, he'll come home again next weekend. in which i'll depart for London.

thank you, my dears for the wonderful weekend. and Iqbal, thank you for being with me all this while. :)

May God bless us all. wish me the best. see you people soon! :)

being the eldest. being a girl. being a daughter.

being the eldest, I know how huge my responsibilities are in setting a good model for my brother and sisters.

Being the eldest, I know who I am and what I'm supposed to do in life.

Being the eldest, I also know that certain things will never receive approval by my parents. Plus, I'm a girl. I hate hearing people say "kau tu pompuan. x leh wat itu, x leh wat ini." in my feminist side, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT WE WOMEN CAN'T DO WHEN WE KNOW THAT WE CAN DO IT.

being the eldest, I know I'm the one who will face all the risks in life first and whatever I do, my siblings will have to learn from my mistakes.

right now, having a relationship to someone who really cares about me is one of the REJECTED topic for my parents.

Well, I'm a little bit upset with you, mum and dad. It's not like i'm stupid or abandon my studies all together. That boy is also studying. And he'll be in US like I do. we both know our priorities are in studying and achieving our dreams in life.

what does falling in love have to do with destroying my future when i still know that my priorities are in studying and achieving my dreams? i still know my responsibilities. i still know who i am. i still know that whatever it is, family comes first.

that was my status in FB a few days ago. It's just frustrating when I am judged even before i can explain myself.

for them, being in love is inappropriate for someone studying like me. Well, hello world! you two fell in love when you were studying as well. where's the harm in that?

I'm not being angry or rebellious, mum and dad. I just want you to know, that I've grown up. and being in boarding school and in my previous uni, i had to survive myself. so, i've learnt a lot of things. stop treating me like i'm some kind of 9 year old naive kid. I know both of you love me so much, but it's time to let me go and let me grow. I will make my own mistakes. All i'm asking is for you to accept me and my decisions and just advice me when I face difficulties. Not make it harder for me by making me choose between family or him.

I think it's time for me to have some ME time instead of kaklong should do this, kaklong supposed to achieve that.

Ayah, ibu, i'm sorry. But please, give me a chance to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I know you both love me dearly and are just being protective. But in the end, I will need to survive on my own.

I'm sorry if having someone special in my life right now changed me.

That's not the whole point. I've grown up...so, I am CHANGED. regardless of having a relationship or not.

London, here i come!

Leaving soon. :)

London, here i come!

Single or being in love?

For my teenage years after hitting puberty, make it 6 to 7 years of my life, I was single. Boys or guys were just immature for me and I think I'm not beautiful enough to capture their attention anyway. My realistic ways believe that love is all about physical and material stuff. It's about being pretty enough for the guys you like or rich enough to buy him or her stuff that he or she likes. now i think of it, maybe i was just immature back then.

As much as I enjoyed being single, with the freedom to flirt around and have a lot of male friends to allow me to get to know their gender, I still search for the one. I still looked enviously at couples at the shopping mall, married couples with their children or even old couples who have aged together till they can meet their grandchildren. My motherly instincts are high maybe due to the fact that I had to take care of four siblings younger than i am. but my love instincts? I can never be sure of who I'm searching for.

Then, again, I thought, I can never believe in love. What does it have to create such beautiful yet sometimes scarily tragic events in life? Why is Romeo and Juliet, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and almost every single fairy tales and legendary stories portrays love?

Then, how come when I think I've found the one, they hurt my feelings? Or, when a few guys came to me and confessed their loves to me, why can't I just accept it?

maybe, I was scared of the thought of being committed to someone who is never closely related to me. it has always been about being the role model in my family, and being a good friend to my best friends. never, have i gave a damn thought if being willing to sustain a love relationship.

I look around me, I found out that love lasts, love breaks, love hurts and love is just love.

Now, as I'm 19, i get to experience it for the first time.

No, not all guys are aiming for women's boobs and butts packages. Sometimes, they really want to find their soul mate. No, beautiful is good but not all guys see it as important. No, being in a relationship does not take away your freedom although sometimes you wish you're still single. No, when you're in love, it's actually learning how to accept a friend unconditionally. No, love is not how hot you are or how handsome he is. No, love is not about money. Yes, being in love changes you.

But why does my parents remind me all the time not to be in a relationship? if not, then, how am i supposed to experience the wrong ones before i find the right one?

Love makes you think of things you've never thought of. Love makes you feel crazy and sane at the same time.

Love makes you see things you never even bother to look at before.

Maybe that's why, I start seeing things that i want in the future.

shoutout

I AM MADLY IN LOVE.

listen to me

i wish i can tell you.

i want to shout out your name right now, in the middle of this crowd, and say the three sacred words of love.

I LOVE YOU!!

hell, i'm IN LOVE with you.

but, despite the screams in my heart,

my lips remain tight.

for the hope that you'll feel the same way flickers with non-existent sparks.

should i be pathetic by waiting you to start first?

or shall i remain quiet like this forever?

because i can never find the right words to tell you how i feel.

i need help.

i need YOU.

when there's expectations....

When you expect too much from somebody, you are vulnerable to the feelings of rejection, hurt and many other painful ones. But when you expect nothing, you’ll have a lot of blissful moments. That’s why they say, expect nothing and you’ll be happy.

Let’s say, you are best friends with B, a person whom you can share anything and everything without feeling insecure or fear of being judged. Tell me, there will be one point which you will feel intimidated, feel annoyed by the very existence of the close friendship. To those cynical enough, yes, you will understand this feeling. You will understand the annoyance and the inexplicable irritation when somebody other than your family knows you too well. You can’t lie to them, you can’t keep secrets from them, you can’t hurt them without hurting yourself as well. You hate that you love him or her so much. This is what best friends can do to you. Regardless of how annoying he or she is especially in quarrels or fights, you have that nagging feeling, sometimes tired in the subconscious minds of yours, somewhere deep down in the bottom pits of your heart, you know, you can never live without them. You can never face the day without seeing your bestie’s smile and will always look forward for the appreciative or criticizing look in his or her eyes when seeing you in your new outfit. And when you quarrel and become temporary enemies, you know you’ll miss your best friend’s consoling words and supportive hugs.

Best friends are there when you need them. I mean, best friends are not the ones who demand you to share secrets with you when you do not want to. They’ll listen to you, judge you later. When you ask for their opinions, they’ll give, hurtful or not, they’ll be frank. Sometimes, when they don’t give reasons, the reasons will just dawn inside you, having that mutual understanding with each other. They tend NOT to say out loud the ‘I love you’ sentence for they know the sacredness of those three beautiful words. They won’t say, they’ll show. They trust you completely and do not question your loyalty. Sometimes, when you ask for assurance, they can get frustrated because it’s like you question their love. Best friends knows the exact thing to do when you’re upset, laugh together when sharing private jokes and will never reveal any of our secrets to others, no matter how tempting that can be. Best friends talk to you like an equal, not like you’re some kind of inferior character. Best friends understand that sharing responsibilities is important especially when you live together.

best friends will remain forever.

because the relationship rarely knows the meaning of ending.

our friendship

you and i,

both of us together.

our friendship,

i doubt that it'll last.

for i see a stranger's soul in your eyes,

for i sense foreign words from your lips.

i feel mad at myself

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself.

i'm just a soul with good intentions.

but, to the world,

my heart stinks from dark desires.

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself,

for being too nice,

for fearing other people's perception on me.

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself,

for i vent my anger, usually, at the wrong people.

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself,

for staying silent whenever people misinterpreted my deeds.

sometimes,

i'm tired of being the one who surrenders in fights,

most of the time, i do.

sometimes,

fatigue filled me, just to live up people's expectations.

well, now let me tell you,

if you cannot accept me as who i am,

then, i think,

don't even come near me.

for i will never fulfill your wishes and perception on me.

sometimes,

it's better to just hide this pain.

it's not how you think it is.

if you think everyone else is always there to look out for you,

you're wrong.

that's why we have the word independence installed in the dictionaries,

that's why we need to use the survival instincts God gave us.

ironically, you seem to think that everyone is at your service.

no we don't. we have our own priorities and dreams too.

when in rome...

when i was lining up to buy that movie ticket, my perception was a it's like any other love story. like valentine's day, like the proposal or i dunno how many others i've watched. my friends told me it's a good movie, so, ok, it's no harm watching it.

when i was sitting in the cinema, the theatre, lovers were around me. that time, it struck me that love's everywhere. i was sitting alone, in the middle of these crooning-to-each-other couples. but i was not lonely, somehow, i can understand how these lovers feel. it's just that my partner is yet to be found. somewhere, out there.

when i watched the whole movie, i could relate myself to beth, the main character. she's a workaholic (me? well, let's just say i'm somewhere between a nerd and denial state). she's fallen in love for many times and all those times, she felt hurt. she was cynical, totally believe in the perfection of her judgment. like me. as far as my ego can be seen out there, deep down in this little heart, i'm just a scared little girl who doesn't want to experience pain anymore.

when i saw rejection in the faces of those guys who fell for beth, i understood the dilemma. i understood the pain of saying NO although that's the right thing to do. i understood how it felt to be rejected.

when i saw the disbelief in beth's eyes, and the anxiety that filled her due to fear of the love story she was having was only fantasy until nick beamon convinced her otherwise. i understood that fear of being hurt again. i understood how much effort is needed for such a huge commitment.

when in rome made me see.

when in rome, i felt inexplicable emotions.

when in rome, i just felt like i should open up this heart, with old wounds all over, to heal with love.

when in rome, maybe, just maybe, mine is not in rome. the other half of my heart can be anywhere else in this world.

i just need to have faith and watch out for it.

when it comes, i shall embrace it.

wait for what it's worth.

just wait for what it's worth.

for it shall come to you when you're ready to embrace it.

when you're brave enough to hug love.

when you've finally found what you've been looking for.

confession, rejection.

after being quiet for quite a while, here i am.

with a new-but-not-that-new issue.

last night, a dear friend called me, A. he was very concerned with my emo statuses in FB. but then, i just didn't want to tell. it's not that i don't trust him, but everytime he called, he's been a very good listener. not that i'm complaining. but he's just too nice.

and then, out of nowhere, i started to talk about how i feel towards another best friend of mine, B. how i'm jealous whenever he's with his GF. i know, he's just a best friend, but somehow, i fear the thought of losing him. surely i'm glad for him to be happy with his gf, but, in a very selfish way, what'll happen to me?? true, i'm not going to lose him. i really hope he'll still care about me, get frustrated of my tantrums then worked his wonders of calming me down. laugh at everything, even to a single word that we both share mutual understandings. make pranks. and just sit close to each other, knowing each other's scent too well. i know i'll miss all of that. seriously, i know it sounds strange, like i'm in love with my best friend, but i'm not. i just don't want to lose him. is that the same?? i love him because he's my best friend, not because of this lovey dovey couple love. right?

then, as i finished telling A about B, suddenly, A said something about being true to my feelings. i should always believe in who i love. he told me, the feeling's beautiful. but learning from my sad past experience, i lost faith in the beauty that love brings. yes, i care about my family, i care about my friends but i can never imagine myself having a relationship with someone. with anyone. all i can think of is my studies, my future career, my family and my friendships with others. not enough space for special commitment to anyone. yet. no.

that was when A confessed. he poured his heart out. he said all the nicest things any girls would want to hear. i thought i was dreaming, for never in my life, guys talk to me like that. when i hear all those words, it's like i'm in another dimension. he accepted me as who i am. he's willing to know me better. he'll wait. i didn't have the heart to say a direct No to him. i don't want to be like the guy who rejected me upfront. i asked for my friends' advices, for they know, i never had any special relationship with anyone my whole nineteen years of life. i'm not ready. when this thing suddenly leaped out of my friend's voice in the phone that night, i couldn't grasp anything. i asked him. i freaked out. i tried to make him stop. but who am i to stop his feelings?? is there any way for me to make him stop? just like how i can't stop my feelings to B or the guy who rejected me?? for me, GUYS are always FRIENDS. nothing more even if i have a crush on someone. egoistically, i will never admit that i fear pain and hurt if any sort of relationships of mine do not work out.

my friends said that i should give it a try. frankly, it WOULD be nice, if only i never had any painful experiences before. my heart's not ready. everything's super fast. i love being single. i'm free to flirt around and i don't have to be committed to anyone. i can mingle around without feeling guilty or betraying someone. i can go anywhere with anyone that i want. but then, the loneliness comes. my friends already have their own lives with their respective partners or whatsoever.

i don't want to be in love. yet.. i want to keep my love for my future husband, whoever that might be. i shall wait. i want to maintain my faith, that to fall in love doesn't mean i need to be in a relationship now. i'm sure one day, A will find his true love and B, well, my best wishes for my best friend as well.

and one day, when my heart's truly ready, i shall be brave to embrace love.

but, that day is not today. not yet anyway.

for fear still lingers in the depths of my heart.

the pain still aching from past experiences.

God, show me the way. shoe me the right thing to do even if it'll break my heart or his.

Fight the dragon.

He breathed the cold fire of fear,

sending shivers,

through the deceitful fiery red warmth.

he stunk of fear,

the stench unbearable at times.

his eyes dark with bottomless fury,

penetrating you with naked agony.

i reached out my hand,

warm of affection,

i let the fragrance of humility and contentment enter,

and i portray the empowering calmness.

he, who sensed my strong presence,

who had all the power to eat my strength,

or the claws that may scar my emotions for eternity,

bowed.

bowed to the shield of love and friendship,

leaving the black cavern behind him.

inferiority, insecurity and worry.

i've always wondered why do inferiority, insecurity and worry occur in our lives.

when i come to think of it, i've felt these three negative feelings quite a few times in my life, or rather, unfortunately, a lot lately. but, i've also found the positive sides of these feelings. :)

i know i'm good. in my academics, in my personality, in sports, in life. but why do i still compare my achievements with others? i know that 3.5, 3.6 or 3.7 is good because that's the only possible measurement i can use to calculate my efforts in studies. and although my marks may not be 4.00 flat, i've learnt to accept this subtle failure to my friends who achieved perfect pointers. not that i'm easily satisfied, it's just that i'm being realistic. i know that my efforts may not be as many as my other friends, so why should i complain when it's mostly my fault for being online 24/7 or not paying attention in class? just because you're not that good in one field makes you a complete idiot in other parts of life.

i've come to a tragic realization that i should've worked harder. but still, why do i feel inferior? is it because people judge intelligence by academic measurements? so does that make me stupid? or in a more polite way, potential student? in my country, most people do think that way,, regardless how they try to hide it. hell, in the world, academic achievements are like the gold tickets to success. that's almost true. and humans have come to a frantic obsession about it. however i've also found many inspiring stories about supposingly low educated people succeeding in their lives. like this guy only achieved until high school cert but turned out to be a millionaire 20 years later. does inferiority help him to succeed in such drastic yet sweet way? for me, inferiority is the wrong word. for me, humility is the correct and nicer word to use in such context. be humble not inferior. BELIEVE IN YOUR STRENGTH, AND CONQUER YOUR WEAKNESS. true, others may be more intelligent, but remember, God created EVERY SINGLE HUMAN to have brains. and also, EVERYONE IS SIMILARLY DIFFERENT. and it's our responsibility to nurture it with His knowledge. so, not that the next time you fail a test, or flunk in your exams, you are entirely stupid. maybe you need more efforts, or pay more attention in class. or you're just much more intelligent in something else. USE YOUR BRAIN TO IMPROVE YOURSELF. :) not make it worry about being inferior.

my personality? i always have my dearest friends to give constant vigilance and opinions. true, there will come to a point where these dearest people in your life will hurt or scratch wounds in your heart. they'll be too frank, too honest or just too complaining. and you'll be too annoyed to care anymore. rather than shrugging all those comments, do grab some points from their words to get to know yourself. remember, only SOME, not ALL. if he or she complains that you're too sensitive or just too emo, think again. don't justify your mistakes, learn from them. don't try to make them see why you were sooo touchy about a small matter. maybe, you should've been less serious when they're joking or maybe you should open up and share the bad feelings to lessen the burden. you understand their comments, you LEARN about yourself. and if YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT, well, at least, CONTROL it. that's where confidence is born. you are in full command of yourself, not to what others say. BUT, DON'T BE SELFISH AND VAIN. just because you think you're too good, you just don't care anymore. well, if that's so, don't expect people to care about your feelings in return. :) it'll make people hate you more. :) LISTEN AND LEARN WHEN OTHERS SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU BUT YOU DECIDE YOUR OWN FILTRATION FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT. after all, everybody hates everybody at some point. :)

worry? it's indisputable that we need to face stress in our lives. it helps us to stay focused on things that we want to do. like achieving our goals, or restlessly waiting for university offer letters to reach your mailbox or your exams or the unfinished projects due soon. it is also indisputable to NOT carry the burden ALL THE TIME. i may not be a good advisor regarding this thing for i sure tend to worry about many stuff every single day of my life. but, i'm too tired of frowning and thinking obsessively about something that i really appreciate the beauty of calmness. i have my optimistic friends, supportive parents, lovely sisters and cheerful carefree brother at my side when i start to crease my forehead. they'll ridicule me in a funny way that i laugh my stress away. look around you.stress is there to help you stay focused on your track not to make you slip sideways to its jeopardy. you do not want to look wrinkly and too serious because that makes you look older. :) stay childlike. practise prioritizing and dividing your works. HAVE A ME TIME in your daily routine. fight the sighs and use laughters. fight the drooping lips with smiles. :)

be humble, not inferior. be confident, not insecure. be headache-less, not worry about everything ALL the time. :)

so much for inferiority, insecurity and worry, huh? :)

before we come undone

before we come undone,

wrap me in your embrace.

for i fear, that the strings attached,

will snap once the scissors of misery cut us apart.

before we come undone,

keep me in your dreams,

for i fear, that once you open your eyes,

i will fade from your sight.

happiness comes from within

did you know why when we were young carefree little kids we can smile and laugh as if there's nothing wrong in this world?

because we didn't care that much back then.

we can simply laugh at nothing.

yet we still feel happy.

as we grow up, we are burdened with responsibilities,

expectations, anxiety and many other so-called miseries we face daily.

we smile less let alone laugh.

happiness is no longer a constant thing when stress and frustration fill our days.

but did you also know, that we can always be happy?

really constantly?

try this.

everyday, i will look into the mirror, after i wake up or taking my bath,

i will smile.

not some made up smile, but sincerely smile.

i will vainly admire my dimples especially the deeper one at my right cheek.

because i feel good seeing myself so happy.

look at how your fresh face in the morning lights up when you smile.

i always do this.

even when i feel i got up at the wrong side of the bed.

i feel good because i smiled to myself.

it's not much different from smiling at others,

but this smile has a rather personal touch,

as you are actually smiling at your soul,

embracing a new day of life.

happiness really comes from within.

pain

pain is a great teacher.

because from it, you will learn strength.

thus, you'll unleash your inner power until you find serenity,

the tranquil garden of your own mind.

nothingness

i may be super duper sensitive, or overreacting. or just mindlessly worry about nothingness.

but, that's me.

i noticed we've changed so much. not that i wanted to be selfish or what, just that, no matter how selfish this might sound, i thought you're some sort of my possession. i know it's silly. trust me, i've been so frustrated about the changes, everything seems new. and you. well, you are far way beyond my reach anymore.

i understand that you're a grown up and you have all the rights in this world to be who you want to be. now that i've stepped out of our world, i see you from a different perspective.

you're somehow different. your views are different. your ideas and beliefs are different.

you're just plain different. you're still the same person but with a different aura around you.

and to my utter disbelief, i no longer shared the same views as yours.

i will not judge who is more rational, or who's more matured because i believe in accepting people as who they are. no matter how difficult it might be.

because i believe in patience and its rewards.

because i believe that anger and irrational confrontations can lead us to a dead end.

because i believe we are all different and at some point in our lives, we will go our separate ways, no matter how we want to stick together till the end.

our laughter, is no longer synchronised in the same way. there's an awkward edge to it. there's a slight pause as we glanced at each other.

usually, there's this comfortable silence. but now, silence is unbearable. there are so many things that i want to confront you, but until now, my courage only persisted in this blog post of mine where not many know of its existence.

when i think again, let it be. maybe it's the best for now. call me a coward, call me a scaredy cat. i believe it's the best to let you go and venture your world without me by your side.

if you ever need me, just call out my name, and i'll do my best to come over the instant you call.

a note from me:

this is just a perspective of mine that i know many people have faced. including myself. no worries, take these changes in a positive way. there are various changes we will face throughout our lives. behaviours, habits, lifestyles, attitudes and beliefs. embrace the fact that you are you, and they are who they are. these people can be your family, your dearest friends or whoever that you love.

changes can be very overwhelming at times, usually during the initial moments. but if we strengthen ourselves and embrace these changes, we'll appreciate our lives more. because life is about changes and how you adapt yourself to find your true inner world in the end.

the umbrella

they say i'm lonely.

so, will you accompany me?

let's share the umbrella.

so that i can protect you from the rain,

and you can provide me the warmth i needed.

let the umbrella shelter us from those who are trying to break our bond.

let the umbrella do its job. :)

make it stop.

STOP!

i'm suffocating,

i can't think.

all tangled up in the turmoil of love.

although you're way beyond my reach.

awkward

look, i'm over it.

stop acting so awkwardly around me.

i want to be able to talk to you properly.

i want you to look at me in the eyes when we talk.

i want you to be yourself when i'm around.

i want you to laugh when we all make fun of each other.

i miss our old friendship.

so, please stop being awkward.

because i'm not.

the ugly duckling

she once told me,

she was an ugly duckling.

in terms of the insignificant physical appearances.

not that she's not grateful of what God bestowed,

just a realization she bravely accepted.

she said,

nobody looked at her,

with her dark skin,

even darker hair and eyes.

her clothes are too boring.

her face clear from the ugliness of make ups.

well, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder indeed.

sad to say, most beholders are blind.

they do not see what SHE HAD INSIDE.

until one day,

no, not any prince charming,

just another ordinary guy,

handsome with his confidence and honesty,

his wit swept her off her feet.

he saw what others didn't.

he saw a really beautiful lady,

right there,

with her beliefs, opinions and wisdom for life.

she, whom they called the ugly duckling,

the independent, strong ugly duckling,

has finally became a swan when the man of her life,

accepts her as who she is.

you can do this.

so, here i am.

fretting my head out. being tired with the non-stop thinking processes i've been doing since the last few weeks.

one beautiful morning, still dripping after a long shower, i checked my mailbox. the usual facebook notifications filled everything before i saw that SCARY email of YOUR NYU DECISION. i opened it, taking in deep breath, just wincing as i thought of rejection (had many bad experiences on rejection). My mind sort of accepted the fact when i read 'WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE UNABLE TO OFFER YOU ADMISSION TO COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCE. so there goes my dream place to study finance. the word HOWEVER made me read the whole text. i couldn't believe my eyes. Alhamdulillah, i got an offer to NEW YORK UNIVERSITY on a liberal studies program.

the best thing about this program is that, i need to study in either london, florence or paris for my first year before i get to go to new york for my sophomore year. i chose london. always wanted to go there. :) and here it is, the chance. tO GO BOTH NEW YORK AND LONDON, two famous cities in the world.

i can assure you i was totally giddy with the news that at first, i didn't tell anybody. imagine me, the boisterous, hyperactive girl keeping a secret and shutting her mouth and most of all, remain calm when delivering the news. being usually excited about anything, that's something new my body and mind need to handle. i mean, it's a good news but i didn't declare it until i went to class which was at eleven o'clock that day. i was scared, if i tell, i'll wake up from a dream or something. i told my friends in a gradual manner. today, him or her. tomorrow, him or her. then, them. my sd frens of course and a few others who really helped me a lot throughout the year.

so, now, let's see the problems.

1. NYU is not listed in sime darby's list.

i will have to work hard for this. i've already asked a few of my seniors about the process to 'fight' for getting sponsorship to go to a uni that's not in the list. plus, since the offer is about going to two wayyy different cities, i will need to convince them. convince them like NYU's my life. :)

2. my parents and a few of my cousins were not that keen.

when i delivered the news, my parents were like, NEW YORK??!! how about cost of living, how about the expenditure?? and all the financial worries. my cousins, they told me to be practical and realistic. hmm...well, from my point of view, i would be angry that they did not share the same excitement as i did because, first, they DON'T EVEN HAVE AN INKLING of how the USapps work. secondly, they're just focused on me going to Australia and not see my potentials in US.

however, this is where my role needs to be played really WELL. i will need to show them the financial state can easily be controlled. i'll ask about my seniors over there in New york (or anywhere near new york). about practicality (like going back to m'sia in case of emergency), well, it has yet to be thought of. i'll think of something. i know i will do whatever it takes to get to my dream school.

come on hidayah. you can do this. (^_^)

bitter heart

he's bitter,

with a broken heart and fragile smile,

he despises lies.

he loathes fabricated truths.

and for him,

LOVE is one of the bullshits.

though from far away, I wish I can sweeten up his heart again.

today

last night i slept early,

fatigued and tired.

today,

i woke up to the shining face of the Sun.

receiving various happy calls,

wonderful messages.

today,

i turned 19.

today,

i feel appreciated.

today,

is just like any other day,

except that it's MY birthday. :)

you are beautiful

oh my, oh my!!

you're beautiful.

simply wonderful.

why?

oh...

just the dimples on your cheeks when you smile widely.

just the sincerity that shines through you eyes.

just the confidence you radiate to others.

just the sensitivity that touches people's hearts.

just the softness of your voice when you're trying to calm hearts full of storms.

just you.

being yourself.

yes, you are God's beautiful creation.

bless those hearts

bless those hearts which are sensitive.

bless more to those which love.

forgive those which hate.

strengthen those which misses their loved ones.

glue those which are broken.

control on those full of desires.

medication needed for the bleeding ones.

pump more blood into happy ones.

just bless those hearts.

which bear the souls.

and become one.