it was you.

You broke somebody's heart. You said you couldn't love her. you said you couldn't stay. There was nothing else she could do. You were so unfair to leave her, when all she did was fighting for you.

All about emotions

I feel happy knowing that the reason of a person's smile is me.

I can drown in despair knowing that I've caused other people pain.

I feel cheerful in believing that my smile can make a stranger's day.

I feel lonely in knowing someone so close to me can betray my trust.

I feel nervous every time I'm taking a huge step in my life.

I feel angry when people take advantage of my kindness and manipulate my naivety.

I've never felt this lively. Because I get to live and breathe every emotions that come my way.

come on, Nurul

I've had enough.

Enough with the silly pain. Enough with the constant whining.

Stop, Nurul. Stop.

Gather your thoughts, breathe in, breathe out. You can do this.

You can start a new chapter of your life.

Yes, you can.

A few difficult soul searching questions

So, I've had a few people asking me these questions on various occasions. Most of them are from the recent USApps workshop that I've joined. :) and some of them are just from what I recalled from my memories after meeting people. :)

1. Do you wear your head scarf when you study overseas?

Good question. maybe it indicates that I've changed and my behaviour masih belum sempurna for someone yg pakai tudung. But I took no offense to it. actually, I've had a lot of people asking me this question. Something to remind me that I should definitely jaga my perbuatan. haha...well, the answer is, yes. Despite me going overseas, I do wear my head scarf, I still wear long sleeves and I still take good care of my muslimah appearance albeit it not being perfect like an 'ustazah' outfit. My tudung is MY choice. and I JUST COULDN'T CARE if I get detained or faced any prejudice or Islamophobic behaviour or whatsoever. yeah, it is difficult. but to have faith in something you believe in is always a very challenging path in life. So, in this case, I am proud to wear my tudung, I don't let myself be to westernized because I am proud of my roots and religion. :) tudung is a part of me. and if i take it off, i won't be me anymore. :)

2. What do you want to do with your life?

some people have a direct answer to this. but i don't. :) i really dunno what to do with my life except live it. technically, alhamdulillah, I already have a stable planned out future in which I will have to work for my sponsors etc. But in actuality, I just want to learn more photography, be a motivator in any way, volunteer a lot, TRAVEL, and just find myself. haha...i guess i already answered the question then. :)

3. Why is this and that happen in Islam? what do you do about it? why can't this and that? (generally questions about Islam from my non-Muslim friends)

Let me clarify first. after a year spent studying religion, I've found that every religion has its own ideal views and ways of living life. and personally, despite whatever the cynics have to say, I think that every religion has its own uniqueness. and no one is better than the other because almost every religion or beliefs wants the best for its followers. my professor once mentioned in class, after watching this video about the Muslims conquering certain places in Spain, as long as we believe in God, or any sort of higher unknown entity out there, we all actually share the same spiritual faith. just the NAME and the IMAGE of the faith that we follow are different. after all, if God really wants us to be the same, why did He create us in such massive diverse community all around the world? there are many ways to reach for him regardless of which religion you choose, as long as you believe in Him. if it so happens that some of the followers are imperfect, in which i have to admit that almost everyone is imperfect because we're humans with flaws, then, do not blame the values in the religion. blame those who interpret it in a wrong way.

4. is it hard to be a Malay studying overseas?

hmm...VERY INTERESTING question in which this is the first time I've encountered this kind of enquiry. haha..:) personally, I believe that race has nothing to do with the difficulties faced in your life, though it might not be valid since we are who we are. the skin colour, the culture that we grow up in. maybe the question has to be interpreted based on the generic view. malays. oh bangsaku. I've met a lot of my fellow people ranging from the extremely conservative Malay to the ones who are super liberal. to say that it's difficult to be a Malay to study overseas really depends on what kind of personality you have. It's not the matter of you befriending only the ones who share the same skin colour like you. It's not the matter of forgetting your roots if you tend to befriend other races. For me, it's not difficult because it was me who wanted to break away from the stereotypical environment in which Malay only friends with malay and many other flaws that my race may have. I just want to embrace that I am who I am and I will treat others as equally as I can. I want to open up my mind, look beyond the superficial part of differences between us humans and just stay true to myself after understanding the many parts of the human differences. it doesn't matter what race you are, it's how you portray yourself and staying true to your roots at the same time opening up to the differences between us all. Life's colorful, people. :) Be brave to venture out of your comfort zone. :)

My answers may have caused certain discomfort or hopefully have touched you readers with some of my insights (if they are insightful la) :)

Looking forward to a lot more intriguing questions out there from the many people that I will want to meet in the future! :D

Thankful.

He gave me some of the most awesome time in my life. and I'm thankful enough for those good times we shared together.

now we are on our separate ways and i will always pray the best for him because no matter what I do, he used to be a part of me. :) and I can never damage my soul just for the sake of bad times.

if it's anything that I've learnt, I learn how to be loving and forgiving.

biar je apa org buat kat kita. yg penting, sabar. :)

weird.

Love works in funny ways, sometimes. I mean, you know it's love but the actions are just too paradoxical.

1. A father's love: is when he treats you coldly for coming home late at night.

2. a mother's love: is when she no longer wants to speak to you when it's just too much for her to even go berserk.

3. a best friend's love: is when he or she lashes out everything at you, making you feel like you're nothing.

or maybe it's just me. :D haha...

some people just hate that they love you too much. :D

I am worth it.

"I want to scream out my anguish. I want to throw daggers to those who hurt me. I want to kick those who stepped on my foot, making me stumble. I want to cry until the sea runs dry."

"Oh no. You are stronger than the waves of fury raging inside you. You may cry but you will pick up the sword of calmness. You are brave to confront the world because you are your world. You worth more than the price of fury."

Please do not...

Do not find me when you're lost. Do not find me when you feel lonely. Do not pretend like you care about me.

"Why?" you asked. Because you keep on closing up on me. Because I was never a part of you.

Red is me.

When you rip me apart, I shall sustain. For passion is as red as blood that runs in my veins. bring me down, cripple me, stab my strength with doubt. But this strong soul shall never be harmed.

Staying while leaving.

You asked me to leave. And I left. Wishing to haunt your thoughts, to linger in the spirals of your dreams.

BERSIH, 9 july 2011.

today, I experienced the BERSIH effect.

the roadblock at Tol KL-Karak. a 4 lane highway became one small jalan kampung. the police working. the worrying pictures of the crowd protesting.

today, I've seen a lot of facebook statuses, describing people's opinions about BERSIH and any other political agendas that happened during the protest.

today, I've been called 'bangang' by one of my 'friends' just because i complained about the roadblocks, as if I'm bashing at the police.

today, I've seen Malaysia as not Malaysia yet still Malaysia anymore. Malays vs non-Malays ( somehow, it turned to be a racial issue jugak). Leaders against leaders. People voicing out various issues. People united yet people fighting one another.

today, I feel worried about my country's future because of the prominent corrupted system we have. I feel patriotic as well. It's a mixed feeling.

today, I felt like a stranger at my home country. yet as stranger as I am, I <3 malaysia. tanah tumpahnya darahku.

Bersih ke Kotor ni?

I do not understand Malaysian politics at all. Partly because I'm just sick of all the dramas and scandals when there are wayyy more important things to be thought about and partly because of my ignorance not to read the politics sections in the newspaper. So many propaganda, sakit kepala oi!

I know that soon, it will be my turn to vote for one of these many2 parties in Malaysia. but, pardon my lack of knowledge in this field, I don't think I have any idea on who or which party to vote for.....(will i ever get sued or ditangkap for this statement? hahaha...let's see.)

Recently, I've asked my parents about this whole politics thingy. What's actually going on with the voting system sampai the BERSIH people wanting something from the SPR and then suddenly protest/rally seems like a BAD decision etc etc....Don't get me wrong. I've lived in a city where the people have rallies almost every weekend in front of the parliament like they're some kind of festivals or something. London has shown me that people can voice out what they want, and yet still ends up peacefully (except yg pasal Student Riot tu la). but mostly, there were peaceful demonstration, not some kind of Libyan or Egyptian riot. Isn't that democracy? or is it when you voice out, the government needs to hush you down so that you will not disturb public peacefulness? or is it just a sign that the government fears of losing power when the people actually begin to question some of their policies and raise awareness of the governments' flaws?

let me give you a few examples of how the Malaysian voting system works (based on the voters' behaviour in my family).

here's how my grandma sees it: ** (this one party) tu mmg banyak menyumbang kepado nogagho kito ni ha. den pikir cucu2 den yo. den nk yg terbaik utk maso dopan anak cucu den.

my parents: susah la nk dapat projek or anything if people vote for the other side. they will always know.

my generation (me): Malaysian politics is confusing and my generation is trying to do something but we all got hushed down.

so, when it comes to voting, and people actually wanting to make a change, we are deterred from changing? people just want some kind of transparency in the system, bukan nak mengancam negara. If you take the bad examples, memang la demonstration or rally can be very negative when it turns to a riot. but how can a riot happen? easy answer. the people is fed up with the government and there's no other way to make the govt listen other than creating chaos. so, really, do you want people to be fed up with the government? we demand lightly, tak dengar. we demand peacefully, jadi big issue. we demand teruk2 kang baru tau.

tasting the milk before buying the cow.

My best friend and I had a huge fight last night..(by huge I mean, we just stop commenting on each other's wall on Facebook..haha..)

here's the thing. She's worried about not having a boyfriend yet. I mean, she's 20, and she feels like she's the only one who's left behind with no so-called taste of relationship. Don't get me wrong, she already fell in love, wayyyyy before I did, in fact, to a guy at school. But they never made it official or anything of that sort when it comes to couples. To summarize their 'friendship', it's about both of them loving each other but nobody said anything about their feelings. And then, one day, their special-but-we're-not-a-couple relationship ended. And until today, I will never understand why and how it happened.

Anyway, back to the topic. She's worried. I must say, in my society, somehow, there's still this mentality that by our 20s, women should already have someone in their lives a.k.a boyfriends, r even better, long term partners. Please do not take this mentality wrongly, it's just that, some of my parents' generation still emphasize on the importance of marriage and having one own's family. It's considered one of life's success. and parents with daughters especially, are super aware of their little girls' future stability.

But with modernity quickly setting into the younger generation, this emphasis still holds, but in one condition, you gotta have a taste of relationship before any sort of marriage. Ok, i might sound generalizing, but mostly, yeah. I don't remember who the guy is, but I read his quote in the Evening Standard (that's the free newspaper you get in London every evening), he said, people nowadays want to try the milk first before taking the cow. :) Take it any way you want, but I agree this notion to a certain extent. Arranged marriage can be seen as super old-fashioned (despite the proven success of long lasting relationship from what I observed in my family, i.e, my grandparents) and everyone feels there's other much more priorities in life like success in career and financial matters. Relationships may not even be a central element in a workaholic's life, generally speaking. When you have one, you already put a high expectation of how a relationship should be (thanks to the influence of media too on how love should be). That's why you keep on tasting and trying to find the perfect milk despite the cow has already been good enough for you. (my analogy can be very confusing, pardon me for that.)

I've tried to explain to my best friend about how it is common to feel a little bit worried. I mean, isn't it an innate feeling that we want to have another half or soulmate, call it whatever you want, in our lives? The romantic part of me wants someone that will smile and kiss me every morning as soon as he opens his eyes and see me lying next to him, simply hugs me on my bad days and raise our children as best as we both can (I can't help being a dreamy romantic person...)It's just our nature to feel loved. and for me, my best friend is just feeling insecure. She said she feels jealous of all our other friends have already found their other halves. But, honey, how sure can you be? Life is unpredictable.

I feel insecure too. After being dumped by someone who I didn't even think that I would fall in love with in the first place (he's my first, and boy, was he a very difficult character), I don't know how I feel towards relationships anymore. I mean, I feel happy and jealous seeing my best friends' happy relationships, thinking how I am a failure sometimes. I felt traumatic but because I am so into having my own family in the future, there's this small glimmer of hope shining from the broken pieces of my heart. :) And what's with certain people bragging about their girlfriends or boyfriends? I mean, I understand you're happy, you're in love etc, but to some extent, frankly, it can make single people like me feel like a loser. haha...(I sound bitchy...hmm..haha)

So, my dear best friend, and whoever feels this way, please don't worry. despite the worrying statistics of how men are less than women nowadays (a sign that the world is going to end soon according to Islam), think positively. Have faith. I mean, in Islam, we truly believe that Allah determines our 'jodoh'. I can never guarantee whether you will find your soulmate or your relationship can last forever or anything good or bad happens to you...Life's unpredictable. But life also gives you hope. Just put your best foot forward, be very good to yourself and face everyday with a sincere smile formed on your lips.

because, girl, you might never know when a guy will get electrocuted by that dazzling smile of yours. :) let the one have the most pleasant surprise in his life by having you.

The first-time sentimental impact

"This is it." were the first three words I whispered to myself as the plane descended to the city below. The sun was being friendly despite the fact that summer was almost over. Everyone was murmuring to the wonderful weather. The first impression that I had for dark sombre English weather, shattered. Geez...movies really have that kind of influence on me.

The first picture? The Emirates airplane that brought me to this city. I received quite a few awkward glances from people getting off the plane, but who cares? All I could think of was the fact that I made it. I got out of my country. Alone. :) Not that I don't love Malaysia, it's just that all my life, my dream was to go overseas. and there I was, getting off the plane and thanking God for giving me the chance to come here.

London.

Oh London.

Where should I start?

London so quiet at 3am even at the central zone? The red buses? The stinking smell of pee on the pavements and underground platforms?? How I memorized the tube stations and different colors of tube lines? Starbucks coffee almost every inch in London? Or the crowd when Primarks just opened in the morning? Or maybe how fast the drivers drive despite the narrow streets and braking right on time when a pedestrian crosses the road? and how everyone snickers in the tube when the instructor makes funny jokes about the rush hour crowd? and how you can't separate between a gay guy and straight one just because British guys dress so properly in general? or maybe the dodgy outlook of the buildings/theaters but once you're inside, your breath is taken away by the grandeur of the elaborate patterns on the ceiling?

I can't believe I just ended my freshman year. I've faced so much in this city. I learnt to force myself out from my comfort zone although virtually, I still stick with my old friends. I've walde don the cobbled streets, seen totally different sides of the city when I'm standing near the Westminster Area and the Bank area. I've been to the Greenwich Observatory where TIME matters. :) I've faced both prejudice and kindness because of my hijab: once was at Westminster Abbey when this caucasian guy gave me the middle finger and the other was a Jewish guy helping me out with something. I've learnt that in college, getting an A needs a different kind of effort. I've learnt that i have awkward English. haha...but they still love my American accent. and how I can speak perfectly well in the British accent? :D uh-oh. I'm starting to brag.

and I've travelled as much as I could because it's so easy to start when you're in London. around the UK, Ireland, Spain, France, Italy and soon I will head to Germany, Austria, Czech Republic, Switzerland and Poland. I will definitely come back to finish my travel around Europe. hmm...

I will miss this city. When I come back, I will no longer be a Londoner, merely just a visitor. There's so much difference when you're being a visitor and actually living here. I'll be jealous of my best friend, Nabilah, who will spend the next three years of her life in this wonderful city. I might be biased because I really like London. Plus, this is my first time out of the country, so yeah. Maybe the first time effect really had its impact on me.

London. You will be loved, missed and remembered; truly, madly, deeply.

You are strong. Hell yes, you are.

This time, it's a post for all the strong people out there. if you ain't tough enough to read this, then don't.

People,

Life can be really hard sometimes. But at the very same time, life is truly awesome.

Life depends on how you live it. :) So, live life happily.

If you feel like crying, or just breaking down, so be it. We're humans. Not robots. Cry all you want, because each and everyone of us has a mourning period. It doesn't matter why, but if you feel down, be it failure in academics, failure in relationships, failure in family issues, let it out... drain the misery out of your system. and make it as quick as you can. Because you don't wanna lose out anything much more awesome than crying and mourning, people! :)

Smile. Even if you don't feel like it. Because when you smile, the people who smile back at you can really make you smile for real. Been there, done that, peeps. trust me. :)

Life can be bitchy. Seriously. :) But that doesn't mean you have to be bitchy back. The best revenge? Live the dreams that you have, Fight for them, fulfill them and Never bow down to life's bitchiness.

It's a good thing that Pandora closed the box just in time. so that we all have Hope, my dears.

You can do this. You are strong, independent and smart. Hell yes, you are. And how do I know this? because I'm trying to get back up as well. Just felt like sharing this fighting spirit with those who think that they've lost it.

We can do it. :) Chins up, people.

Fun facts about Italy.

Italy. sounds like an awesome country to visit eh? haha...unless you're ready to let me shatter your imagination on such a wonderful country, then don't read this post. :D hehehe...:) but if you're really into getting to know Italy, then read on. :)

before i proceed, i want you to know that there were only 4 cities that i went (NO VENICE and MILAN, PEOPLE...i know..i know...it's like the must-visit cities...) which were Pisa, Florence, Siena and Rome. :) It was a 6 day trip for the Three musketeers. :) (if you see the photos in my FB account, then you'll know why)

ok. here goes.

1. Pisa is all about the Leaning Tower. seriously. it's a small city and that's the main and only attraction. But, you can rent a bicycle or rickshaw for 5 euros, 40 minutes ride around the city. It's a bit of exercise and saves a lot of time if you're just there for one day. :)

2. Florence. yes, you know that Florence is the city which the Renaissance began. But, I found it a little bit disappointing because in my mind (after studying a lengthy period of class just on renaissance) i had always imagined the grandeur of everything. Dude, it's THE RENAISSANCE we're talking about. but in the end, my disillusionment was broken. Yes. The city's beautiful. but it wasn't maintained well enough to glorify its renaissance heritage. the Duomo (a huge Cathedral really..) is obviously old and grand, but yeah. that's pretty much it because the buildings surrounding the Duomo are not that pretty. HOWEVER, if you wanna shop, people, don't shop in Rome or anywhere else. the good leather stuff and low price souvenirs are mostly in Florence. :)

3. Siena? A local town. really small but grand on its own. It seems a little bit calmer because not many tourists stop in this city and that's why I love it. it's like mingling in a local place where we get to see an actual Italian culture and not some tourism facade. :) So, if you want a quick runaway from all the touristy cities, siena is a must go place. :)

4. Unless you really like old ancient ruins of buildings and remnants of a 2000 year old city and have a general idea of how awesome Ancient Roman was, then Rome is the place for you to go. true, it's the capital city of Italy but it's soooooo touristy in front of the Furro Romano (Fort Romano) or even the Colosseum that you just get annoyed with all the people trying to relive the Ancient Roman's grandeur in plastic costumes of Trojans and soldiers...Plus, it's pretty much expensive to get into the Colosseum (10 euros) and a few other places. One advice, go in if you really are enthusiastic to see the buildings, if not, keep your money and spend it on gellato instead. :)

5. Most European maps may seem big on paper but actually the places are pretty much in walking distance. Like the time when we went to the Vatican City, we had to take a tube (wait..tube is for the Brits...Italian call theirs metro...) because we didn't wanna lose our reserved tickets to get into the Vatican museum. other than that, don't use money on public transportation over there. have a walk around. it feels much more refreshing that way (though at the end of the day you'll sleep like a log.)

6. You don't have to worry about time in rome because almost every inch of the city, there will be a clock stand showing you the time. :)

7. The Italians drive on the right hand side like the Americans. but trust me, their driving style? just like malaysians, baby! :)

8. For photography freaks like me, Italy's like a heaven with all its vintage classical grandeur of the past. Vespas on the road, graffiti on the walls and the oldness of everything can make one feel like opening a gallery just to display monochrome pictures. :)

9. FOOD. basically, it's just pizza and panini. but one thing you must know is that Nutella Crepes is the most heavenly food ever and Gellato (a type of European ice cream...like seriously dense and intense ice creamm..haha...)is plain awesome in many flavors!!!! HAHA...

10. if you have a tiny bladder like me, it's kinda hard to find public toilets in Italy. :( either you have to pay 50 cents to get in or you have to queue a long line near the Colosseum, toilets are pretty hard to find. really. and it really annoyed my two other friends because i kinda needed to use the toilet quite a few times. :D hahaha...

11. don't allow yourself to be deceived by the fountain in the When in Rome movie (the actor's Josh Duhamel and the girl from I Love Beth Cooper). it doesn't exist. we tried to find it, just for the fun of being on a movie setting. but when we asked the tourist info counter, we just got weird looks. :D this is how Hollywood succeeds in making us believe the existence of such fountain. =.="

12. Unlike Paris, where romance is sooooo overrated at the Eiffel Tower (i've been there..paris was a disappointment...it's just a city with really good photoshopped pictures..), romance in Rome is awesome!! just go to one of the plazas (a square full of fountains and people hanging around) and there will be really talented street artists. I met this guy called Claudio Spadi and he looked and sounded like Chad Kruger (Nickelback's vocalist). You can even request songs to be played, dance to the songs or just sit there and watch people. :)

So people, how's Italy? :)

was it real?

many convinced me that it wasn't real. but they're not the ones having the relationship. only i alone know how much i sincerely loved him. people may say i made the wrong choice. but it was one hell of a wrong choice because i can never get him out of my head. that means, I truly loved him.

people told me that nobody can love anyone just from sympathy. let me share with you. yes, i felt pity for him at first because I know we're too different from each other. Different family backgrounds, different pasts and for me, I had never had any commitments. Know how i changed pity into love? I fell in love when I saw him with his mother. and sisters. and the way he treated them. At that moment, i knew I had to give him the chance. I put my soul out there for him. and it happened. we really did fall in love.

but if i am sincere, why am i still hoping for his love when i know it will never come back? maybe because i'm still clinging to the past, when we both were madly in love and didn't realize how we both could change drastically as we grew further apart.

many got tired of me missing him. of me crying for him. of me to even mention his name. but what if that's the only option to stay strong and not go crazy about it? the tears that flow are not for him. but for myself. for my wounded heart. I thought i guarded my heart well enough. but no. I don't regret of loving him. because if i do regret, then it's not sincere.

right now, he's being a jerk. but as disillusioned as people tell me that i am, i know his other side. the side that he hates to be blamed when all he felt was he could not love me anymore. he was not ready. his idea of relationship was not about commitment. all he wanted was the fun part of chasing me. as bad as that sounds, can we really blame his feelings? Human feelings are fickle. we all know that. From pity, I fell in love. and for him, from love, it changed to pity. and he realized that pity is not good for any of us especially me who sincerely waited for him.

he was brave for trying to reach my heart. but he's just not that into me anymore. he's seen my worst and he couldn't accept me, so what's the point of our relationship? he grew tired of me. even if I fight till the end, and i really did, it won't change how he feels for me. i tried over and over again to save ourselves from all the heartache. but still it happened.

people told me it's not worth it anyway. people said i deserve someone better. people told me, he just doesn't realize how valuable i am. bla bla bla. all the break up cliches.

but people. listen to me. I loved him. and as stupid as it sounds, I still do. but I need time. I don't search for rebound boyfriends. I am sad. and let me be. grow tired of me? then you don't understand the pain yet.

i hate to sound so negative. but when i'm sad, my blog is the victim.

Angels cry?

And so the sun is my best friend,

Golden angels reaching the sky,

The blue sky and clouds pass by.

it takes time.

Photo: The Queen's Memorial at Buckingham Palace.

Photographer: Me

Wasted. (Spoiler Alert: not THAT wasted)

Spring Break is here.

and how do I spend my time?

1. Ultimate Facebook all day long. (heck, i can do this everyday..hahaha..)

2. How I met Your Mother marathon. (Barney Stinson is my best friend right now.)

3. The Vampire Diaries saga. (despite me being annoyed at how everyone wants to save pretty face Elena, I still watch it for the sake of boo-ing at Stefan Salvatore for being so lame while Damon Salvatore does all the thinking on how to save a girl that doesn't love him at all. Bad guys win. Unless you watch this show, you won't understand what I'm talking about anyway. :P)

4. Spring Cleaning (Starting to sort out stuff that I won't be using anymore for this coming one and a half month before I head back. Thinking again....how am I supposed to pack all these shoes? =.=" )

5. Sleep. (Been sleeping early and wake up late. Frankly, I've been doing it often this spring semester. Maybe it's the fact that the clock goes forward makes me appreciate time more. Thanks to the spring forward daylight saving system. )

6. Eat? (No. If you call drinking mineral water all day long, and only a few bananas in between, i don't think i should consider that eating. it's just Snacking...)

7. Knowing that I have two essays due right after the break but not starting on anything yet. (I have essays due. Both RESEARCH essay which take a lot of time to finish it. Oh well, I gotta work hard for this. My final two papers. and one of it I always get a B+ no matter how hard I try. so, please, Nurul. one last chance before final exams. come on, baby.)

8. YOUTUBE-ING jessie j. (Oh man, you gotta listen to this pure talent. Ignore her gaga-ish look and interesting facial make-ups. Just close your eyes and embrace the sound of her voice. She's got one hell of a talent. It's been a wonder why she used to write songs for other people when she can sing really well. )

9. Shopping. (My money has been running low lately. Can't go into a shop without buying anything. This is pure pathetic, Nurul. I dunno where my self-control went but yeah. Money. Shopping. Time. and a lot of things to pack before I go home. )

10. Hanging out with my friends here in London. (It's been fun hanging out with them. lately, we hung out more often. i feel grateful that they came into my life. I may be a passer-by in their lives, but I wish to make myself a memorable passer-by. :) Will miss them terribly. Oh well, they did say they wanna visit me in New York. hehehe..)

11. Missing those who matter to me. This does not need any breaks or holidays because I miss them every single day of my life. Will be meeting them very soon. :)

Oh. Just wanted to quote Jessie J song lyrics because I really love those words...

"Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing. It's ok not to be ok. Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing. everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are."

Not relevant to my post for today but just wanted to share with you that there are still composers who write good motivational song and it's not all about penis, vagina and rocking the bed.

Remember that time?

remember that time when we were good friends and how you were jealous that i like another guy and not see you? you tried so hard. when i look at you properly, i thought you're bringing me hope. alas, i was mistaken.

remember that time when you tried so hard to win my heart? want to know how you've won it? you broke my heart. total damage, sweetheart. thank you so much. now i'm just another girl in your girlfriend trophy cabinet. i hope at least i'm d biggest prize. feels like a consolation for me. :D

remember that time when you promised me a billion things when all i wanted was for you to love me and accept me as who i am? you've seen my true colours. you've seen me vulnerable. instead of embracing me at my worst, you attacked me when i let my guard down. now, your promises are still here even if you're gone. how will you answer to God of the promises you made to me?

remember that time when we used to have good times? and even if we quarrelled, it was of useful stuff? why so bitter to me now when it was you who hurt me? Now i understand the concept of bitter sweet relationship. only now, i understand the bitter part more. :D

remember that time when you said i was clingy and needy and just plain bothersome? think about yourself, honey. we all have flaws. i'm not a perfect girl. and you're not a perfect boy either.

remember that time when everyone doubted you and i told you to ignore all those bad comments and gossips about you? as much as i was sincere, i couldn't help feeling hurt that you believed in others more than you believed in me. you bowed down to peer pressure. and let them tell me bad things that shook my faith in you. i fought. fought them to believe in you.

remember that time when i loved you? i still do. even if you hurt me. even if you ignore me. even if you're amazing at being a total jerk. so, what happened to your love? you said you pitied me? how wonderful. Alhamdulillah, i am the peak of my life, i am the one who should pity you because no one seems to believe in you at all.

remember that time when you already had me replaced? wow. i'm impressed. make sure you don't lie to her. don't hurt her feelings. don't raise her hopes when all she does is loving you and accepts you as who you are. don't ever EVER try to break her heart. don't make the same mistake to her like you did to me. learn, sweetheart.

remember that time when you told me that love can change? for you, it turns from love to pity. for me, it's from love to disbelief. do you even know how worse disbelief is than being pitied at?

Dear God, please. please. let me go of this torture. release me from this obstacle. I know I've sinned so much. I've learnt my lesson. I should've kept my heart for the one that deserves it. You. Dear God, please. if this is the way for You to give me strength, I have to admit, I am not strong enough. Please. Guide me with your hidayah. Guide me to love You more than anything else in the world. Forgive me for my mistakes. Forgive me for being so angry at this small task of testing my patience and strength. Forgive me, dear God. It is hard for me to be strong for others. people see my smile and laughter, o Allah. please keep it that way so that they won't be bothered with my sighs and tears. it is hard for me to keep smiling in front of my family and friends when all i'm feeling is to fall down and cry. At times, I am so angry that I forgot Your existence. I feel like giving up. it is hard for me, O God. I'm trying my best. but i can't help crying in front of You. Pardon me for all my sins. Set my heart straight. Heal it so that I can forgive and forget. I rely on You. Thank you, Allah. for this small task of yours let me learn about life.

If I die young...

Just listened to this song by The Band Perry. Pretty siblings and the vocalist has a wonderful voice.

I first heard the song in Glee. and I find it somehow soothing. not in an emo way, but in a very peaceful way. the message is not about death. you gotta listen to it to get it. hehe...

And listening to that song leads me to write this post.

What happens if I were to die tomorrow?

Calm down. this is not any suicidal note or any form of emo post. but really, just think, what happens after we die?

Think of the people we care about. Think of the people we've hurt. think of those strangers that you once smiled at or glared? I don't know. People. Mortals. Family. Friends. all around us.

Weirdly, I even think about who will handle my Facebook account, my Yahoo n Gmail, even this blog? My bank account, my future car, my future house, my future children.

Plus, as a Muslim, cukupkah my ibadah to go meet God? am i ready to face Him with all my sins? do I even think and repent of what I've done?

Also, think about the things that you wanna do, but realizing you haven't done yet.

The fact that you don't know when and how you will die has a lulling element about the afterlife, always need to be reminded by the death around us via our family, relatives or even friends. I've experienced both and then realizing that I've had friends who were younger than me that just passed away.

That is why there's a famous quote that my teachers always use when I was in school. "Work like you'll live for a thousand years, but perform your ibadah like you'll die tomorrow"

have I even try to live like this?

Possession

when you love someone, you don't ever wanna lose him or her.

but when you start being possessive, that's when he or she is gone forever.

it's not like you didn't improve. it's not as if you didn't try to be brave and trust him or her.

i screwed up once. Big time. and i don't wanna do it again.

we're better as best friends. but always know, whatever you and i are gonna be in the future, i've cherished every moment with you.

do not misinterpret my neediness to something burdensome. all my life, i've been facing things alone. I have family, and i have friends. but sometimes, there are things that only i confront.

i am really comfortable with you. in a best friend way, you complete me.

for now, I'll leave. just like you wanted me to. but if one day, I come back to you, with a heart full of love and not loneliness, as much as I don't have hope for both of us, I hope all goes well. If you accept me, accept me sincerely. If you don't, let me down gently. although i've learnt to fall without a cushion to soften the blow.

mysm.

dunno what to update la.

kawan2 suruh update.

i have no idea on what to update la.

kalau cakap pasal weather can ah? :D sunny London = awesomeness. today, didn't even wear my coat because i was practically sweating (in a 16 degree celcius temp...oh my...m used to the weather....=.=")

classes normal je. days pass by. can't wait to go home, but kind of attached to this city already. :( but it's ok. i had my time here. :) gonna enjoy it till the end. went for a Harry Potter walking tour last night. not as how i expected but still, it was enjoyable. jarang keluar malam, so yeah. :)

got my test results. semua average je. :( tension. i work super hard this term. rajin gila buat reading and everything. never mind. God knows what is best for me. He doesn't want me to be leka sangat la kot. :Dto go to Stern, gotta get used with this lifestyle. Work hard and smart.

money running low. i dunno what happened to them. a lot of travelling i guess. for now, dah cover London, Cardiff, Wiltshire, Bath, Berkshire, Oxfordshire, Manchester, Sheffield, Coventry, (Exeter) Devon. Bila nk gi LIVERPOOL and BLACKPOOL ni? =.=" Next weekend, DUBLIN. :)

Italy for spring break. Insyaallah. :) but not going to Venice. they say it's overrated. i guess i can't prove it since m not heading there anyway. :D Florence (wil visit NYU branch there), Pisa, Sienna and ROME. :D thinking of heading to Cologne in Germany (got a friend there) and visit my parents' uni in Aberdeen, Scotland. :) oh my. banyaknyaaaa places i wanna go.

what else? oh yeah. this week was super awesome. why? i met my old friend and my fave cousins this week. tomorrow is family day out before my cousins head back to malaysia. :) weeeeeeeeeee............

about my heart and soul? hahaha....i am ok. somehow, he wants me back. but can't differentiate whether he rea;;y wants me back or just feeling lonely. so, will just take my time. i'm taking it slow and going with the flow. don't wanna repeat the same mistake. let both of us take our time and space. :)

life's good. I'm loving it.

To those who matter

This heart, soul and mind. will fly across the sky full of hues, just so that I can send my prayers to you. A prayer filled with love and best wishes. A prayer that will keep you safe.

A prayer breathed to fill the lungs of longing. A prayer whispered so that the ears of loving souls can listen to it. A prayer displayed in front of the eyes of awareness.

20 means I get two cakes and loads of love. :)

Alhamdulillah. 6th of March 2011. Turned 20 in Manchester and London. :P

I was in Manchester (of all places on earth, why Manchester???? don't get me wrong, Manchester's cool, but there's this one FOOTBALL team yg agak irritating...haha) with my friends from Exeter, Ili and Aishah on the 5th. met new people there, Deena from Leeds, Husna from Birmingham, Uya from Leicester and Piqa, a Sime scholar studying Law in Manchester. extended my network again. :)

Just a few days before, I had the worst time of my life. i thought i was strong enough, for the relationship, but proven that there are still things that i have to learn before i truly give my commitment to someone. Years of ignoring guys and making myself unapproachable for relationships, I decided to give it a try. for ten months, I get to know about love, hurt andpain. Imagine that your partner tells you that he or she no longer had feelings for you except pity. for me, pity or sympathy is worse than anger or unrequited love because you thought what you had was real, when in reality, the moments you shared with your partner mean nothing to him or her. i must admit, it sucks. sucks big time. but I can't be sad and pathetic all the time can i? :) It's a part of life's lessons. I cried but it wasn't for long. I had other responsibilities. I am still Nurul Hidayah Hassan, a daughter to my parents, a sister to my siblings who need my guidance, a girl with her own goals, a friend to my friends. Life's still good. I asked God for strength, and He gave me this task to test my ability. :)

Anyway, enough with the sad part. I truly enjoyed my visit to Old Trafford. When I entered the stadium, I was overwhelmed. No matter how much i hate Manchester United, I must admit i was impressed by their cabinets filled with trop

hies and more trophies. At that time, all i could think of is sharing the moment with my friends who support MU. how they would've loved the museum and gawk at the trophies and long history of Man Utd achievements. How they would've probably cried with tears of joy, sitting in one of those seats where Beckham, Rooney or Nani or Chicarito or whoever la in Man Utd once sat, and see the white board in which Sir Alex will use to explain strategies to his players. How they would've taken tonnes and tonnes of pics of the stadium. :) It was a great experience to me. I love the tour guide, a jolly old man who just loved to bahan me because I was the only Liverpool fan in the tour group. hehehe...but at the end of the tour, he hugged me and we took pictures together. Boleh la jadik bapak angkat ni. :D

Stadium was awesome. but later that night, it was even better. Dinner was at this restaurant called Jazeera. I only had burger because that's the cheapest I could get (Money running lowwwwww). I thought that these new friends of mine, would never know that it's my birthday because i planned to celebrate it privately with myself, enduring the fact that I'm turning 20. hahaha. Little did I know that as I was browsing through Uya's Blackberry, a cute green cake magically appeared out of nowhere in front of me. the next thing i knew, i was crying. trust me, i couldn't control the tears. so much happened to me that week, that the last thing on my mind was a surprise birthday party, prepared right under my nose but I wasn't even aware of it. It's like God gave me both hard and good times within a few days. :) Alhamdulillah. :) Thank you to those who made it happen that night. :)

The cake that made me cry. =.="

When i got back from dinner, checked Fb and skype. replied everything. My family sang for me and my Sime buddies in US made me laugh in front of the laptop. yay! :) Love you people. Thank you for the calls. muahx muahx. :)

The next day, when i got back to London, again, my innocence and naivety did not expect another surprise birthday party. =.=" oh my. i went back to my flat, all tired and ready to finish my homework which i've been postponing due to the things happening to me that week. Then came a call from my London buddy, Syaza. She asked me to come down, and fetch her. it didn't even occur to me that Syaza NEVER came to my flat before. HAHA. and there they were. Syaza, Amrina, Ili, Akmal and Azril. 5 people, holding a small cake with candles on it, shielding it against the cold wind of that night. I cried again. (what is it with me and my tears????) Another birthday dinner ensued, and we all had a lovely time. In a way, I felt bad because my flatmates did not even know that it was my birthday, despite having thousands of wall posts on my FB wall wishing me my bday. hahaha...it's ok. I really meant it to be private anyway. :)

yup. that's my second cake. mentang2 la turn 20, dapat dua kek pulak. :D

And so that's the special day I had this year. Turning 20 in UK. :) Thank you for the wishes, thank you for everything. Thank you for those who made it happen for me. :) May God bless all of you.

20 is a large number. and I had to overcome a few obstacles before I reached this number. being out here, surviving in such an uncomfortable social circle and implicit discrimination by my colleagues, enduring the heartache of a break up thousands of miles away from home and fighting to reach my goals in academic and life, I learnt a lot. And I got my reward that God has always given me all my life. Family and friends to help me along the way. People that I can lean on whenever I feel like stumbling down. People who truly care and love me. Good health and wonderful mind to think of refreshing thoughts.

Life's good. I'm loving it. :)

Because I loved you.

I will never understand.

the paradox of love disappearing from one side, while on the other, it grows stronger.

one side acts a parasite sucking the energy of love away?

was it one's fault? or both?

and yet you say, I hate you. when it was you who didn't love me anymore.

because you, my friend, will never understand how real it was for me.

We're only human

My dad told me.

Any religion is good. X pernah ada religion nak ajar mende2 yg jahat. except the ones yg dh serong sgt.

tapi kenapa serong? terpesong? sampai terkeluar dari landasan of what it is to be a GOOD person?

Manusia ini. Tuhan bagi akal. but ada yg abuse akal, sampai sanggup memutar belitkan hal2 yg sebenarnya elok utk diri sendiri.

But bad stuff always attract more people rather than good things.

and my dad cakap: X pernah ada religion yg salah. Religion x pernah salah. PEOPLE yg salah, sbb kita ada kelemahan. sebagai insan, humans byk weaknesses. and kita byk kehendak. jadi, dgn akal yg diberi utk kebaikan, certain people guna utk cari pleasure from ephemeral stuff. utk memutarbelitkan ayat2 Tuhan. tgk la agama mana pun, kitab2 yg ada, mana ada ajar mende2 pelik. betul x?

Manusia. Imperfect. that's why, we always need to improve ourselves. use the power of reasoning.

My Jihad

Great start of term.

For cultural and social foundations classes, Islam is the first topic. After one whole term learning about ancient cultures like the Mayans, Greeks, Egyptians etc and some Christianity, I'll study about Muhammad, the Quran and why the Muslim empire was disastrous after our prophet passed away.

I was reading this book titled: Islam: A Short History by Karen Armstrong. First, it's intriguing to read a book about Islam written by a Catholic nun. wait, she used to be a Catholic nun or so i think. I was so used to study Islamic books written by Muslim people that I, yes, the lazy me, is so eager to read about it. Will she be biased? Will she get it correct and complied to what I had learnt all my life as a Muslim? What does she think about my religion? Will she help us straighten out the Islamophobia in the western world right now? Too many questions. and it is up to me to find the answer.

secondly, when i read the first few pages of the book, listing the chronology of Islamic history, it was a trail full of blood, wars and greed for power. Right after Muhammad (peace be upon him) left us, the Islamic world was in chaos. The rulers, the places that Islam conquered, all ruined. all manipulated and exploited in the so-called name of Islam.

It's sad to read about such a peaceful religion, can be disastrous in the wrong hands of people in the past and present. I may be a Muslim, and i might be biased with my views, but I understand the fear that people felt towards my religion. Muslims fighting between brothers, when the prophet taught us to be kind to others. Muslims greed for power, when Islam has already clarified and showed good examples of the Prophet's leadership. It is not in my position to say, Muslims are good in general but yeah, ironically, we fight each other a lot. but Islam is not to be blamed. The religion sets the rules and regulations to ensure harmony. But it's the people who twist laws, bends regulations and have the guts to use the religion's name to achieve their own desires. it's not the fault of our religion, it's our own fault for not following the rules.

Now with the extremists trying to further taint the meaning of jihad, Muslim people living a non-Islamic life, and many other wrong perspectives that the media successfully brainwash people who admittedly can be so ignorant (still confused about why Russians blaming muslim Checnyan people for the airport bombing), it makes me much more determined to study about the roots of my religion. my prophet's sirah (history), the teachings in the Quran. it's not that I never studied about my religion my whole life. but this time, i'm in a new surrounding, being the only Muslim in class to explain the words of Quran and the stories of my prophet when there's discussion in class. I will study about what I've lived for and I will help as best as i can to let people know about Islam.

this is my jihad. i study. i understand. i improve myself. i want people to not blame Islam anymore but instead, see the flaws of Muslim people as being imperfect humans. we humans are never perfect. Jihad is not war in suicide bombings and extreme methods. Jihad is not inflicting misery on others. Jihad is in improving oneself, for the better. for the greater good.

Also, in class, we are required to read the Quran. my professor told me the Quran is the most beautiful book he has ever read and studied all his professor life. Believe me, he's a big man in his industry. And it was interesting to know other people's perspectives and questions about Islam. I find myself questioning too. Do I know everything about Islam? Do I know too little? Do I remember what the Quran says??

the first word that Allah sent down was Iqra'. which means READ.

and i have to continue with my reading. :) that's all for now.

What's out there?

what's beyond the trees?

what's beyond the mountain?

what's in there in the fog?

what's out there for me to see?

my mind is a picture.

my dreams are the colours.

and you get to see the beauty of it.

Photo by me. Kuching scenery. Dec 2010.

Again. just a thing that came across my mind while browsing thru my pics.

No turning back.

turning back?

no.

keep climbing.

hesitation might trick you into a downfall.

listen to your heart.

p/s:

Photo by me. and this post is to remind me and you who reads this, to keep going on. no turning back.

bloom it, Spring.

can't wait to start my spring term.

1. join university of London basketball team. regardless of my height. (i've seen how tall the girls are before...but i'm still gonna try)

2. tour around UK. go to a beach. visit Yorkshire, Manchester, Liverpool. maybe veer off to Ireland or Scotland.

2. TOUR AROUND EUROPE, BABY!!!!!!!! Italy, France, Switzerland...bla..bla..bla...:)

3. stop being d silent girl. come on! bring your loudness back!!! you're in freaking London where the noise is at the same level day and night. :)

4. i think i'll continue volunteering at the Oxfam store. i find it boring, but at least, it'll be good for me to wind down just by sticking price tags on the second hand books. plus, i love the store.

5. meet as many malaysians as possible. all around UK. set up huge networks.

6. enjoy myself. and stop being homesick. :)

Spring term, BRING IT ON!

p.s: i don't know what to expect from my flight journey to heathrow this coming monday...

She forgot.

It's ironic. Nurul forgetting her LOUDNESS. that's like, pigs can swim in the clouds. that girl is well known for her boisterous nature and very exclusive unique sort of laugh. anyone who hears her laughing does not need to think twice that it's nurul that he or she is hearing.

she thought, she's the same when she came home. realizing that, yeah, sure, she'll meet most of her friends again. she'll be perfectly fine. like she thought she was when in london.

she did not what came into her mind that night. or what sort of emotions sneaking into the veins of her heart, making it feel like bursting with longing happiness. she did not know that her lungs needed to work extra hard that day to breathe the hilarity of being with good friends again. all day long, she was with her bestest two best buddies, yusuf and irwan. two Aussie guys who made my world an annoying but lovely place. :)

she did not expect to break down in front of all her beloved. nabilah, yusuf, lina, lanie, amore, atul, ain, nadia, adian, uzair, irwan and wan. she did not expect to cry, hell no, she was so used to being reserved that she forgot how tears of happiness could even exist.

she did not anticipate what her friends would feel. she thought, that if she was strong enough to keep all the bad things that happened to her, causing herself unbearable loneliness on a foreign soil, she was being brave. she thought that if she kept all the negative experiences to herself, she would be stronger.

but no.

she was brave when she confronted her frustration and somehow, a teensy bit of regret of choosing her own path. she was brave to keep moving on, knowing that God knows best for her. she was stronger in the arms of her friends, wiping away her tears and let her envelope herself in their hugs. she was stronger with every word of encouragement she heard escaping from the soft lips of tenderness in the hearts of her friends.

she forgot how loud and happy she was until that day. that night when feelings overwhelmed her. she forgot how noisy the group could be when we're all together, because she was so used of the crunch of her shoes on the streets of London, fast pace yet no matching tones of footsteps beside her. to accompany her in the throng of busy lives and stressful weather. :)

she forgot that she was this open and loving friend for all.

and that day. that day and night. reminded her of how happy she could be if she remembered the good things in life.

New Year

there's nothing worth more than seeing the whole family gather and have some fun.

there's nothing more precious than seeing your family laugh together.

the beauty of everyone eating together, sharing the same piece of meat or chicken, exchanging jokes, fooling around....it's lovely. everyone is happy. :)

the best thing to happen on the first day of the year. :)

this is the firework, the countdown, the excitement. no need to go out on new year' eve, when you have one that can tear the house down at home. :)

2011.

happy new year, everyone.