If I die young...

Just listened to this song by The Band Perry. Pretty siblings and the vocalist has a wonderful voice.

I first heard the song in Glee. and I find it somehow soothing. not in an emo way, but in a very peaceful way. the message is not about death. you gotta listen to it to get it. hehe...

And listening to that song leads me to write this post.

What happens if I were to die tomorrow?

Calm down. this is not any suicidal note or any form of emo post. but really, just think, what happens after we die?

Think of the people we care about. Think of the people we've hurt. think of those strangers that you once smiled at or glared? I don't know. People. Mortals. Family. Friends. all around us.

Weirdly, I even think about who will handle my Facebook account, my Yahoo n Gmail, even this blog? My bank account, my future car, my future house, my future children.

Plus, as a Muslim, cukupkah my ibadah to go meet God? am i ready to face Him with all my sins? do I even think and repent of what I've done?

Also, think about the things that you wanna do, but realizing you haven't done yet.

The fact that you don't know when and how you will die has a lulling element about the afterlife, always need to be reminded by the death around us via our family, relatives or even friends. I've experienced both and then realizing that I've had friends who were younger than me that just passed away.

That is why there's a famous quote that my teachers always use when I was in school. "Work like you'll live for a thousand years, but perform your ibadah like you'll die tomorrow"

have I even try to live like this?

Possession

when you love someone, you don't ever wanna lose him or her.

but when you start being possessive, that's when he or she is gone forever.

it's not like you didn't improve. it's not as if you didn't try to be brave and trust him or her.

i screwed up once. Big time. and i don't wanna do it again.

we're better as best friends. but always know, whatever you and i are gonna be in the future, i've cherished every moment with you.

do not misinterpret my neediness to something burdensome. all my life, i've been facing things alone. I have family, and i have friends. but sometimes, there are things that only i confront.

i am really comfortable with you. in a best friend way, you complete me.

for now, I'll leave. just like you wanted me to. but if one day, I come back to you, with a heart full of love and not loneliness, as much as I don't have hope for both of us, I hope all goes well. If you accept me, accept me sincerely. If you don't, let me down gently. although i've learnt to fall without a cushion to soften the blow.

mysm.

dunno what to update la.

kawan2 suruh update.

i have no idea on what to update la.

kalau cakap pasal weather can ah? :D sunny London = awesomeness. today, didn't even wear my coat because i was practically sweating (in a 16 degree celcius temp...oh my...m used to the weather....=.=")

classes normal je. days pass by. can't wait to go home, but kind of attached to this city already. :( but it's ok. i had my time here. :) gonna enjoy it till the end. went for a Harry Potter walking tour last night. not as how i expected but still, it was enjoyable. jarang keluar malam, so yeah. :)

got my test results. semua average je. :( tension. i work super hard this term. rajin gila buat reading and everything. never mind. God knows what is best for me. He doesn't want me to be leka sangat la kot. :Dto go to Stern, gotta get used with this lifestyle. Work hard and smart.

money running low. i dunno what happened to them. a lot of travelling i guess. for now, dah cover London, Cardiff, Wiltshire, Bath, Berkshire, Oxfordshire, Manchester, Sheffield, Coventry, (Exeter) Devon. Bila nk gi LIVERPOOL and BLACKPOOL ni? =.=" Next weekend, DUBLIN. :)

Italy for spring break. Insyaallah. :) but not going to Venice. they say it's overrated. i guess i can't prove it since m not heading there anyway. :D Florence (wil visit NYU branch there), Pisa, Sienna and ROME. :D thinking of heading to Cologne in Germany (got a friend there) and visit my parents' uni in Aberdeen, Scotland. :) oh my. banyaknyaaaa places i wanna go.

what else? oh yeah. this week was super awesome. why? i met my old friend and my fave cousins this week. tomorrow is family day out before my cousins head back to malaysia. :) weeeeeeeeeee............

about my heart and soul? hahaha....i am ok. somehow, he wants me back. but can't differentiate whether he rea;;y wants me back or just feeling lonely. so, will just take my time. i'm taking it slow and going with the flow. don't wanna repeat the same mistake. let both of us take our time and space. :)

life's good. I'm loving it.

To those who matter

This heart, soul and mind. will fly across the sky full of hues, just so that I can send my prayers to you. A prayer filled with love and best wishes. A prayer that will keep you safe.

A prayer breathed to fill the lungs of longing. A prayer whispered so that the ears of loving souls can listen to it. A prayer displayed in front of the eyes of awareness.

20 means I get two cakes and loads of love. :)

Alhamdulillah. 6th of March 2011. Turned 20 in Manchester and London. :P

I was in Manchester (of all places on earth, why Manchester???? don't get me wrong, Manchester's cool, but there's this one FOOTBALL team yg agak irritating...haha) with my friends from Exeter, Ili and Aishah on the 5th. met new people there, Deena from Leeds, Husna from Birmingham, Uya from Leicester and Piqa, a Sime scholar studying Law in Manchester. extended my network again. :)

Just a few days before, I had the worst time of my life. i thought i was strong enough, for the relationship, but proven that there are still things that i have to learn before i truly give my commitment to someone. Years of ignoring guys and making myself unapproachable for relationships, I decided to give it a try. for ten months, I get to know about love, hurt andpain. Imagine that your partner tells you that he or she no longer had feelings for you except pity. for me, pity or sympathy is worse than anger or unrequited love because you thought what you had was real, when in reality, the moments you shared with your partner mean nothing to him or her. i must admit, it sucks. sucks big time. but I can't be sad and pathetic all the time can i? :) It's a part of life's lessons. I cried but it wasn't for long. I had other responsibilities. I am still Nurul Hidayah Hassan, a daughter to my parents, a sister to my siblings who need my guidance, a girl with her own goals, a friend to my friends. Life's still good. I asked God for strength, and He gave me this task to test my ability. :)

Anyway, enough with the sad part. I truly enjoyed my visit to Old Trafford. When I entered the stadium, I was overwhelmed. No matter how much i hate Manchester United, I must admit i was impressed by their cabinets filled with trop

hies and more trophies. At that time, all i could think of is sharing the moment with my friends who support MU. how they would've loved the museum and gawk at the trophies and long history of Man Utd achievements. How they would've probably cried with tears of joy, sitting in one of those seats where Beckham, Rooney or Nani or Chicarito or whoever la in Man Utd once sat, and see the white board in which Sir Alex will use to explain strategies to his players. How they would've taken tonnes and tonnes of pics of the stadium. :) It was a great experience to me. I love the tour guide, a jolly old man who just loved to bahan me because I was the only Liverpool fan in the tour group. hehehe...but at the end of the tour, he hugged me and we took pictures together. Boleh la jadik bapak angkat ni. :D

Stadium was awesome. but later that night, it was even better. Dinner was at this restaurant called Jazeera. I only had burger because that's the cheapest I could get (Money running lowwwwww). I thought that these new friends of mine, would never know that it's my birthday because i planned to celebrate it privately with myself, enduring the fact that I'm turning 20. hahaha. Little did I know that as I was browsing through Uya's Blackberry, a cute green cake magically appeared out of nowhere in front of me. the next thing i knew, i was crying. trust me, i couldn't control the tears. so much happened to me that week, that the last thing on my mind was a surprise birthday party, prepared right under my nose but I wasn't even aware of it. It's like God gave me both hard and good times within a few days. :) Alhamdulillah. :) Thank you to those who made it happen that night. :)

The cake that made me cry. =.="

When i got back from dinner, checked Fb and skype. replied everything. My family sang for me and my Sime buddies in US made me laugh in front of the laptop. yay! :) Love you people. Thank you for the calls. muahx muahx. :)

The next day, when i got back to London, again, my innocence and naivety did not expect another surprise birthday party. =.=" oh my. i went back to my flat, all tired and ready to finish my homework which i've been postponing due to the things happening to me that week. Then came a call from my London buddy, Syaza. She asked me to come down, and fetch her. it didn't even occur to me that Syaza NEVER came to my flat before. HAHA. and there they were. Syaza, Amrina, Ili, Akmal and Azril. 5 people, holding a small cake with candles on it, shielding it against the cold wind of that night. I cried again. (what is it with me and my tears????) Another birthday dinner ensued, and we all had a lovely time. In a way, I felt bad because my flatmates did not even know that it was my birthday, despite having thousands of wall posts on my FB wall wishing me my bday. hahaha...it's ok. I really meant it to be private anyway. :)

yup. that's my second cake. mentang2 la turn 20, dapat dua kek pulak. :D

And so that's the special day I had this year. Turning 20 in UK. :) Thank you for the wishes, thank you for everything. Thank you for those who made it happen for me. :) May God bless all of you.

20 is a large number. and I had to overcome a few obstacles before I reached this number. being out here, surviving in such an uncomfortable social circle and implicit discrimination by my colleagues, enduring the heartache of a break up thousands of miles away from home and fighting to reach my goals in academic and life, I learnt a lot. And I got my reward that God has always given me all my life. Family and friends to help me along the way. People that I can lean on whenever I feel like stumbling down. People who truly care and love me. Good health and wonderful mind to think of refreshing thoughts.

Life's good. I'm loving it. :)

Because I loved you.

I will never understand.

the paradox of love disappearing from one side, while on the other, it grows stronger.

one side acts a parasite sucking the energy of love away?

was it one's fault? or both?

and yet you say, I hate you. when it was you who didn't love me anymore.

because you, my friend, will never understand how real it was for me.