before we come undone

before we come undone,

wrap me in your embrace.

for i fear, that the strings attached,

will snap once the scissors of misery cut us apart.

before we come undone,

keep me in your dreams,

for i fear, that once you open your eyes,

i will fade from your sight.

happiness comes from within

did you know why when we were young carefree little kids we can smile and laugh as if there's nothing wrong in this world?

because we didn't care that much back then.

we can simply laugh at nothing.

yet we still feel happy.

as we grow up, we are burdened with responsibilities,

expectations, anxiety and many other so-called miseries we face daily.

we smile less let alone laugh.

happiness is no longer a constant thing when stress and frustration fill our days.

but did you also know, that we can always be happy?

really constantly?

try this.

everyday, i will look into the mirror, after i wake up or taking my bath,

i will smile.

not some made up smile, but sincerely smile.

i will vainly admire my dimples especially the deeper one at my right cheek.

because i feel good seeing myself so happy.

look at how your fresh face in the morning lights up when you smile.

i always do this.

even when i feel i got up at the wrong side of the bed.

i feel good because i smiled to myself.

it's not much different from smiling at others,

but this smile has a rather personal touch,

as you are actually smiling at your soul,

embracing a new day of life.

happiness really comes from within.

pain

pain is a great teacher.

because from it, you will learn strength.

thus, you'll unleash your inner power until you find serenity,

the tranquil garden of your own mind.

nothingness

i may be super duper sensitive, or overreacting. or just mindlessly worry about nothingness.

but, that's me.

i noticed we've changed so much. not that i wanted to be selfish or what, just that, no matter how selfish this might sound, i thought you're some sort of my possession. i know it's silly. trust me, i've been so frustrated about the changes, everything seems new. and you. well, you are far way beyond my reach anymore.

i understand that you're a grown up and you have all the rights in this world to be who you want to be. now that i've stepped out of our world, i see you from a different perspective.

you're somehow different. your views are different. your ideas and beliefs are different.

you're just plain different. you're still the same person but with a different aura around you.

and to my utter disbelief, i no longer shared the same views as yours.

i will not judge who is more rational, or who's more matured because i believe in accepting people as who they are. no matter how difficult it might be.

because i believe in patience and its rewards.

because i believe that anger and irrational confrontations can lead us to a dead end.

because i believe we are all different and at some point in our lives, we will go our separate ways, no matter how we want to stick together till the end.

our laughter, is no longer synchronised in the same way. there's an awkward edge to it. there's a slight pause as we glanced at each other.

usually, there's this comfortable silence. but now, silence is unbearable. there are so many things that i want to confront you, but until now, my courage only persisted in this blog post of mine where not many know of its existence.

when i think again, let it be. maybe it's the best for now. call me a coward, call me a scaredy cat. i believe it's the best to let you go and venture your world without me by your side.

if you ever need me, just call out my name, and i'll do my best to come over the instant you call.

a note from me:

this is just a perspective of mine that i know many people have faced. including myself. no worries, take these changes in a positive way. there are various changes we will face throughout our lives. behaviours, habits, lifestyles, attitudes and beliefs. embrace the fact that you are you, and they are who they are. these people can be your family, your dearest friends or whoever that you love.

changes can be very overwhelming at times, usually during the initial moments. but if we strengthen ourselves and embrace these changes, we'll appreciate our lives more. because life is about changes and how you adapt yourself to find your true inner world in the end.

the umbrella

they say i'm lonely.

so, will you accompany me?

let's share the umbrella.

so that i can protect you from the rain,

and you can provide me the warmth i needed.

let the umbrella shelter us from those who are trying to break our bond.

let the umbrella do its job. :)

make it stop.

STOP!

i'm suffocating,

i can't think.

all tangled up in the turmoil of love.

although you're way beyond my reach.

awkward

look, i'm over it.

stop acting so awkwardly around me.

i want to be able to talk to you properly.

i want you to look at me in the eyes when we talk.

i want you to be yourself when i'm around.

i want you to laugh when we all make fun of each other.

i miss our old friendship.

so, please stop being awkward.

because i'm not.

the ugly duckling

she once told me,

she was an ugly duckling.

in terms of the insignificant physical appearances.

not that she's not grateful of what God bestowed,

just a realization she bravely accepted.

she said,

nobody looked at her,

with her dark skin,

even darker hair and eyes.

her clothes are too boring.

her face clear from the ugliness of make ups.

well, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder indeed.

sad to say, most beholders are blind.

they do not see what SHE HAD INSIDE.

until one day,

no, not any prince charming,

just another ordinary guy,

handsome with his confidence and honesty,

his wit swept her off her feet.

he saw what others didn't.

he saw a really beautiful lady,

right there,

with her beliefs, opinions and wisdom for life.

she, whom they called the ugly duckling,

the independent, strong ugly duckling,

has finally became a swan when the man of her life,

accepts her as who she is.

you can do this.

so, here i am.

fretting my head out. being tired with the non-stop thinking processes i've been doing since the last few weeks.

one beautiful morning, still dripping after a long shower, i checked my mailbox. the usual facebook notifications filled everything before i saw that SCARY email of YOUR NYU DECISION. i opened it, taking in deep breath, just wincing as i thought of rejection (had many bad experiences on rejection). My mind sort of accepted the fact when i read 'WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE UNABLE TO OFFER YOU ADMISSION TO COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCE. so there goes my dream place to study finance. the word HOWEVER made me read the whole text. i couldn't believe my eyes. Alhamdulillah, i got an offer to NEW YORK UNIVERSITY on a liberal studies program.

the best thing about this program is that, i need to study in either london, florence or paris for my first year before i get to go to new york for my sophomore year. i chose london. always wanted to go there. :) and here it is, the chance. tO GO BOTH NEW YORK AND LONDON, two famous cities in the world.

i can assure you i was totally giddy with the news that at first, i didn't tell anybody. imagine me, the boisterous, hyperactive girl keeping a secret and shutting her mouth and most of all, remain calm when delivering the news. being usually excited about anything, that's something new my body and mind need to handle. i mean, it's a good news but i didn't declare it until i went to class which was at eleven o'clock that day. i was scared, if i tell, i'll wake up from a dream or something. i told my friends in a gradual manner. today, him or her. tomorrow, him or her. then, them. my sd frens of course and a few others who really helped me a lot throughout the year.

so, now, let's see the problems.

1. NYU is not listed in sime darby's list.

i will have to work hard for this. i've already asked a few of my seniors about the process to 'fight' for getting sponsorship to go to a uni that's not in the list. plus, since the offer is about going to two wayyy different cities, i will need to convince them. convince them like NYU's my life. :)

2. my parents and a few of my cousins were not that keen.

when i delivered the news, my parents were like, NEW YORK??!! how about cost of living, how about the expenditure?? and all the financial worries. my cousins, they told me to be practical and realistic. hmm...well, from my point of view, i would be angry that they did not share the same excitement as i did because, first, they DON'T EVEN HAVE AN INKLING of how the USapps work. secondly, they're just focused on me going to Australia and not see my potentials in US.

however, this is where my role needs to be played really WELL. i will need to show them the financial state can easily be controlled. i'll ask about my seniors over there in New york (or anywhere near new york). about practicality (like going back to m'sia in case of emergency), well, it has yet to be thought of. i'll think of something. i know i will do whatever it takes to get to my dream school.

come on hidayah. you can do this. (^_^)

bitter heart

he's bitter,

with a broken heart and fragile smile,

he despises lies.

he loathes fabricated truths.

and for him,

LOVE is one of the bullshits.

though from far away, I wish I can sweeten up his heart again.

today

last night i slept early,

fatigued and tired.

today,

i woke up to the shining face of the Sun.

receiving various happy calls,

wonderful messages.

today,

i turned 19.

today,

i feel appreciated.

today,

is just like any other day,

except that it's MY birthday. :)