A few difficult soul searching questions

So, I've had a few people asking me these questions on various occasions. Most of them are from the recent USApps workshop that I've joined. :) and some of them are just from what I recalled from my memories after meeting people. :)

1. Do you wear your head scarf when you study overseas?

Good question. maybe it indicates that I've changed and my behaviour masih belum sempurna for someone yg pakai tudung. But I took no offense to it. actually, I've had a lot of people asking me this question. Something to remind me that I should definitely jaga my perbuatan. haha...well, the answer is, yes. Despite me going overseas, I do wear my head scarf, I still wear long sleeves and I still take good care of my muslimah appearance albeit it not being perfect like an 'ustazah' outfit. My tudung is MY choice. and I JUST COULDN'T CARE if I get detained or faced any prejudice or Islamophobic behaviour or whatsoever. yeah, it is difficult. but to have faith in something you believe in is always a very challenging path in life. So, in this case, I am proud to wear my tudung, I don't let myself be to westernized because I am proud of my roots and religion. :) tudung is a part of me. and if i take it off, i won't be me anymore. :)

2. What do you want to do with your life?

some people have a direct answer to this. but i don't. :) i really dunno what to do with my life except live it. technically, alhamdulillah, I already have a stable planned out future in which I will have to work for my sponsors etc. But in actuality, I just want to learn more photography, be a motivator in any way, volunteer a lot, TRAVEL, and just find myself. haha...i guess i already answered the question then. :)

3. Why is this and that happen in Islam? what do you do about it? why can't this and that? (generally questions about Islam from my non-Muslim friends)

Let me clarify first. after a year spent studying religion, I've found that every religion has its own ideal views and ways of living life. and personally, despite whatever the cynics have to say, I think that every religion has its own uniqueness. and no one is better than the other because almost every religion or beliefs wants the best for its followers. my professor once mentioned in class, after watching this video about the Muslims conquering certain places in Spain, as long as we believe in God, or any sort of higher unknown entity out there, we all actually share the same spiritual faith. just the NAME and the IMAGE of the faith that we follow are different. after all, if God really wants us to be the same, why did He create us in such massive diverse community all around the world? there are many ways to reach for him regardless of which religion you choose, as long as you believe in Him. if it so happens that some of the followers are imperfect, in which i have to admit that almost everyone is imperfect because we're humans with flaws, then, do not blame the values in the religion. blame those who interpret it in a wrong way.

4. is it hard to be a Malay studying overseas?

hmm...VERY INTERESTING question in which this is the first time I've encountered this kind of enquiry. haha..:) personally, I believe that race has nothing to do with the difficulties faced in your life, though it might not be valid since we are who we are. the skin colour, the culture that we grow up in. maybe the question has to be interpreted based on the generic view. malays. oh bangsaku. I've met a lot of my fellow people ranging from the extremely conservative Malay to the ones who are super liberal. to say that it's difficult to be a Malay to study overseas really depends on what kind of personality you have. It's not the matter of you befriending only the ones who share the same skin colour like you. It's not the matter of forgetting your roots if you tend to befriend other races. For me, it's not difficult because it was me who wanted to break away from the stereotypical environment in which Malay only friends with malay and many other flaws that my race may have. I just want to embrace that I am who I am and I will treat others as equally as I can. I want to open up my mind, look beyond the superficial part of differences between us humans and just stay true to myself after understanding the many parts of the human differences. it doesn't matter what race you are, it's how you portray yourself and staying true to your roots at the same time opening up to the differences between us all. Life's colorful, people. :) Be brave to venture out of your comfort zone. :)

My answers may have caused certain discomfort or hopefully have touched you readers with some of my insights (if they are insightful la) :)

Looking forward to a lot more intriguing questions out there from the many people that I will want to meet in the future! :D

Thankful.

He gave me some of the most awesome time in my life. and I'm thankful enough for those good times we shared together.

now we are on our separate ways and i will always pray the best for him because no matter what I do, he used to be a part of me. :) and I can never damage my soul just for the sake of bad times.

if it's anything that I've learnt, I learn how to be loving and forgiving.

biar je apa org buat kat kita. yg penting, sabar. :)

weird.

Love works in funny ways, sometimes. I mean, you know it's love but the actions are just too paradoxical.

1. A father's love: is when he treats you coldly for coming home late at night.

2. a mother's love: is when she no longer wants to speak to you when it's just too much for her to even go berserk.

3. a best friend's love: is when he or she lashes out everything at you, making you feel like you're nothing.

or maybe it's just me. :D haha...

some people just hate that they love you too much. :D

I am worth it.

"I want to scream out my anguish. I want to throw daggers to those who hurt me. I want to kick those who stepped on my foot, making me stumble. I want to cry until the sea runs dry."

"Oh no. You are stronger than the waves of fury raging inside you. You may cry but you will pick up the sword of calmness. You are brave to confront the world because you are your world. You worth more than the price of fury."

Please do not...

Do not find me when you're lost. Do not find me when you feel lonely. Do not pretend like you care about me.

"Why?" you asked. Because you keep on closing up on me. Because I was never a part of you.

Red is me.

When you rip me apart, I shall sustain. For passion is as red as blood that runs in my veins. bring me down, cripple me, stab my strength with doubt. But this strong soul shall never be harmed.

Staying while leaving.

You asked me to leave. And I left. Wishing to haunt your thoughts, to linger in the spirals of your dreams.

BERSIH, 9 july 2011.

today, I experienced the BERSIH effect.

the roadblock at Tol KL-Karak. a 4 lane highway became one small jalan kampung. the police working. the worrying pictures of the crowd protesting.

today, I've seen a lot of facebook statuses, describing people's opinions about BERSIH and any other political agendas that happened during the protest.

today, I've been called 'bangang' by one of my 'friends' just because i complained about the roadblocks, as if I'm bashing at the police.

today, I've seen Malaysia as not Malaysia yet still Malaysia anymore. Malays vs non-Malays ( somehow, it turned to be a racial issue jugak). Leaders against leaders. People voicing out various issues. People united yet people fighting one another.

today, I feel worried about my country's future because of the prominent corrupted system we have. I feel patriotic as well. It's a mixed feeling.

today, I felt like a stranger at my home country. yet as stranger as I am, I <3 malaysia. tanah tumpahnya darahku.

Bersih ke Kotor ni?

I do not understand Malaysian politics at all. Partly because I'm just sick of all the dramas and scandals when there are wayyy more important things to be thought about and partly because of my ignorance not to read the politics sections in the newspaper. So many propaganda, sakit kepala oi!

I know that soon, it will be my turn to vote for one of these many2 parties in Malaysia. but, pardon my lack of knowledge in this field, I don't think I have any idea on who or which party to vote for.....(will i ever get sued or ditangkap for this statement? hahaha...let's see.)

Recently, I've asked my parents about this whole politics thingy. What's actually going on with the voting system sampai the BERSIH people wanting something from the SPR and then suddenly protest/rally seems like a BAD decision etc etc....Don't get me wrong. I've lived in a city where the people have rallies almost every weekend in front of the parliament like they're some kind of festivals or something. London has shown me that people can voice out what they want, and yet still ends up peacefully (except yg pasal Student Riot tu la). but mostly, there were peaceful demonstration, not some kind of Libyan or Egyptian riot. Isn't that democracy? or is it when you voice out, the government needs to hush you down so that you will not disturb public peacefulness? or is it just a sign that the government fears of losing power when the people actually begin to question some of their policies and raise awareness of the governments' flaws?

let me give you a few examples of how the Malaysian voting system works (based on the voters' behaviour in my family).

here's how my grandma sees it: ** (this one party) tu mmg banyak menyumbang kepado nogagho kito ni ha. den pikir cucu2 den yo. den nk yg terbaik utk maso dopan anak cucu den.

my parents: susah la nk dapat projek or anything if people vote for the other side. they will always know.

my generation (me): Malaysian politics is confusing and my generation is trying to do something but we all got hushed down.

so, when it comes to voting, and people actually wanting to make a change, we are deterred from changing? people just want some kind of transparency in the system, bukan nak mengancam negara. If you take the bad examples, memang la demonstration or rally can be very negative when it turns to a riot. but how can a riot happen? easy answer. the people is fed up with the government and there's no other way to make the govt listen other than creating chaos. so, really, do you want people to be fed up with the government? we demand lightly, tak dengar. we demand peacefully, jadi big issue. we demand teruk2 kang baru tau.