touched.

i can never thank you enough. you made me feel touched with those kind words, those inspirational reminders.

you made me feel like crying yet i hold back my tearful emotions because i know you're trying to make me feel stronger with your love and support.

you're a good friend, buddy. and you know you are. best friend to me. Thank you for remembering me in your prayers when others won't even remember me in their memories.

i want all of us to share the same success in our lives. no matter where and what you do, you know success is always there, somehow just reachable if you work hard for it. so, for now, my friend, let's study. then, let's achieve our material dreams of monetary luxuries.... hehe...and then, let's make this love and friendship last till the end of time. :)

take good care of yourself too. we'll keep in touch despite the distance, weather and time differences. :) it's gonna be tough but knowing i have you somewhere out there supporting me, i know i'll make it through.

may Allah bless us all. :)

p/s: since i'm not going to celebrate raya here with you, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf zahir dan batin.

wonderful weekend.

I had fun this final weekend i'm here in Malaysia before I leave for London. :)

Starting with Friday, I hung out with my besties in UNITEN. Sogo and Jalan TAR were our shopping destinations although at the end of the day, Iqbal and I just sat down watching cars caught in a traffic jam because we were tooooo exhausted. Lanie and Atul were the ones who maintained their shopping stamina till the end when I saw Amore and Ain resting in the prayer room at Sogo. :) as for my dear Lina, she's having her sweet time with Syuk. :) We did nothing much together except when we broke fast together because we were all searching for our own stuff. But, I HAD FUN. that's important. super tired but happy. and I love you people. the ones that matter to me in UNITEN. :)

Saturday, I spent my time with my Shahian 0408 buddies. KLCC was our spot. break fasting picnic style at the park. :) was a lil bit surprised at how large the crowd was and was thrilled with who turned up for the event. it felt like old times when we annoyed each other constantly in class although not all of us are classmates. :) and it felt good. cameras flashed thanks to Slurp, Jpah, Burn and Shahir. :) naqi, hana and hawa had to change their sunway plans. out of nowhere, Fadzir and Con came. :) Nabilah was there to get to know iqbal. fahrid, piju, rabab, fie, ain and suha with their excessive conquer on the cameras. a'a with his lovely 'daughters'. and i blushed a lot when they teased me with him. and we all ate NOISILY at a side of the park. haha..:) to those who attended the event, I just wanted to thank you people because all of you made it a memorable day for me. one sweet moment I know I'll miss the next time you all have another gathering. :)

Sunday, i decided to spend time with my family after soooo much complaining from my dad and brother. =.=" but it's worth it. i know i won't be going to kampung for this year's raya, so, when I turned around to see that lovely house of my grandparents, there was this lump in my throat. Not sadness, just the thought that I won't be able to laugh and tease all my cousins when they all balik kampung nanti. i didn't get to send my bro off to his school but it's ok, he'll come home again next weekend. in which i'll depart for London.

thank you, my dears for the wonderful weekend. and Iqbal, thank you for being with me all this while. :)

May God bless us all. wish me the best. see you people soon! :)

being the eldest. being a girl. being a daughter.

being the eldest, I know how huge my responsibilities are in setting a good model for my brother and sisters.

Being the eldest, I know who I am and what I'm supposed to do in life.

Being the eldest, I also know that certain things will never receive approval by my parents. Plus, I'm a girl. I hate hearing people say "kau tu pompuan. x leh wat itu, x leh wat ini." in my feminist side, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT WE WOMEN CAN'T DO WHEN WE KNOW THAT WE CAN DO IT.

being the eldest, I know I'm the one who will face all the risks in life first and whatever I do, my siblings will have to learn from my mistakes.

right now, having a relationship to someone who really cares about me is one of the REJECTED topic for my parents.

Well, I'm a little bit upset with you, mum and dad. It's not like i'm stupid or abandon my studies all together. That boy is also studying. And he'll be in US like I do. we both know our priorities are in studying and achieving our dreams in life.

what does falling in love have to do with destroying my future when i still know that my priorities are in studying and achieving my dreams? i still know my responsibilities. i still know who i am. i still know that whatever it is, family comes first.

that was my status in FB a few days ago. It's just frustrating when I am judged even before i can explain myself.

for them, being in love is inappropriate for someone studying like me. Well, hello world! you two fell in love when you were studying as well. where's the harm in that?

I'm not being angry or rebellious, mum and dad. I just want you to know, that I've grown up. and being in boarding school and in my previous uni, i had to survive myself. so, i've learnt a lot of things. stop treating me like i'm some kind of 9 year old naive kid. I know both of you love me so much, but it's time to let me go and let me grow. I will make my own mistakes. All i'm asking is for you to accept me and my decisions and just advice me when I face difficulties. Not make it harder for me by making me choose between family or him.

I think it's time for me to have some ME time instead of kaklong should do this, kaklong supposed to achieve that.

Ayah, ibu, i'm sorry. But please, give me a chance to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I know you both love me dearly and are just being protective. But in the end, I will need to survive on my own.

I'm sorry if having someone special in my life right now changed me.

That's not the whole point. I've grown up...so, I am CHANGED. regardless of having a relationship or not.

London, here i come!

Leaving soon. :)

London, here i come!

Single or being in love?

For my teenage years after hitting puberty, make it 6 to 7 years of my life, I was single. Boys or guys were just immature for me and I think I'm not beautiful enough to capture their attention anyway. My realistic ways believe that love is all about physical and material stuff. It's about being pretty enough for the guys you like or rich enough to buy him or her stuff that he or she likes. now i think of it, maybe i was just immature back then.

As much as I enjoyed being single, with the freedom to flirt around and have a lot of male friends to allow me to get to know their gender, I still search for the one. I still looked enviously at couples at the shopping mall, married couples with their children or even old couples who have aged together till they can meet their grandchildren. My motherly instincts are high maybe due to the fact that I had to take care of four siblings younger than i am. but my love instincts? I can never be sure of who I'm searching for.

Then, again, I thought, I can never believe in love. What does it have to create such beautiful yet sometimes scarily tragic events in life? Why is Romeo and Juliet, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and almost every single fairy tales and legendary stories portrays love?

Then, how come when I think I've found the one, they hurt my feelings? Or, when a few guys came to me and confessed their loves to me, why can't I just accept it?

maybe, I was scared of the thought of being committed to someone who is never closely related to me. it has always been about being the role model in my family, and being a good friend to my best friends. never, have i gave a damn thought if being willing to sustain a love relationship.

I look around me, I found out that love lasts, love breaks, love hurts and love is just love.

Now, as I'm 19, i get to experience it for the first time.

No, not all guys are aiming for women's boobs and butts packages. Sometimes, they really want to find their soul mate. No, beautiful is good but not all guys see it as important. No, being in a relationship does not take away your freedom although sometimes you wish you're still single. No, when you're in love, it's actually learning how to accept a friend unconditionally. No, love is not how hot you are or how handsome he is. No, love is not about money. Yes, being in love changes you.

But why does my parents remind me all the time not to be in a relationship? if not, then, how am i supposed to experience the wrong ones before i find the right one?

Love makes you think of things you've never thought of. Love makes you feel crazy and sane at the same time.

Love makes you see things you never even bother to look at before.

Maybe that's why, I start seeing things that i want in the future.