essays

just got my essay for my social book review today. the grade? let's just say, it's not my best. and i could have done better. even for my cultural class, my essay was disappointing. but it's ok. i can do this. maybe i'm still adjusting to the new environment where every subject is not scientifically objective and has many twists and turns to approach.

i need to write like everything in essay form. for social, for cultural, for WRITING (naturally) class and my fave econs too.

coming here, i realized that my English actually became worse. i'm pretty freaked out when they, especially the professors, keep on saying that, it's ok ,we understand that you don't come from an English speaking country or English is your second language or third language. somehow, i just don't get it. are we (or am i ) really that stupid that my grammar is disastrous or my word choices are just too complex for non-English people like us? they said that, ah yess....u r indeed intelligent but we might need to send you to an English intensive program. Now, I do NOT mind at all going there to ask for the professor to read my essays and i must say, i was pretty impressive. i get the benefit that other so-called English speaking kids don't. i get extra attention and that advantage is totally for my gain. :) hehehehe....

thinking back, am i intimidated by my international friends who speak English better despite coming from China, Korea and so on? or is it maybe because they had their American education style ever since they live in the US? or is it just me again, being insecure of myself.

blaaaa..blaaa..blaaaa.....get it out of your head, girl. think of your strength. and conquer your weaknesses. (better stop before i ramble on)

Culture shock or just different culture?

Well, if you guys heard or seen in the media that LONDON is awesome, think again.

If you've ever heard that the British people are reserved, believe me...they're TOO reserved to the point of being COLD. maybe it's their dark gloomy weather that has shaped this sort of 'reserved' culture'. if so, London will most probably only be warm and friendly during the summer. during the winter? i might have problems during that time...=.="

proof that they're 'reserved':

1. when you smile, they look at you as if you're a psychotic person, got loose on the streets from an asylum. (ok, maybe i'm exaggerating but still, they have 'that' look)

2. when you smile, or nod your head, they either look away, or just stare at you blankly.

3. when you walk, you say sorry, they only grunt and just keep on moving.

4. when you look at their babies, or children, and the infants and kids smile and laugh at your funny faces, they immediately remove the infant from your sight.

5. when you say hello, they might answer briefly, perhaps coldly, hi. IF you're lucky.

6. their customer's rights are kept well. and their treatment in the stores are just lovely. but once they close, eventhough you're a regular customer in their store, they MIGHT not even know you.

7. when you do kindness, they look at you as if you're a God or some kind of a prophet.

8. my friend once saw this scene in a super market, this boy was short of fifteen pence fromthe things that he bought, a seven year old kid, on the verge of tears, saying, "i'm sorry, i thought i had enough!" and the cashier went like, well, you gotta put one thing back in order to pay for all the stuff. =.=" how cold is that? and there was all these people, some wearing Prada shoes and super branded coats, were NOT even helping this kid out, with FIFTEEN PENCE. at last, my friend, (we're all broke college student), gave this boy fifteen pence and he looked at her like she's some kind of a Goddess. :) some people are just heartless. :)

9. in the tube, you either shut up and don't stare at people's faces or plug in your earphone, and engross yourself with your nails or something. as long as you don't look, or speak to anyone in the tube. =.="

10. when you see all this thing, and experience them, you miss the warmth at home. i mean, both literally and contextually. even i can turn into a 'reserved' person if this persists.

Anyway, these are just my negative views. Not EVERYONE in UK is like that. maybe it's just the city like any other cities. even back in my country, we have this sort of problem. But STILL.....

maybe it's just me being homesick and starting to find faults in the place i'm living ryte now. hahaha...(^_^) *cheers*

Changed; yet remain the same.

For the sun rays peeping behind the towers,

for the rain that falls on the cobbled streets,

for the hopes and dreams vibrant around me,

for the anxiety and fear building on the walls,

I know I shall make it through it all,

changed; yet remain the same.

Love

Learnt about love in class today. from the Epic of Gilgamesh.

basically, in my interpretation, it's about homosexual love between Gilgamesh n Enkidu (i'll leave u two to read about these two). but it's not the point. read below.

it's pretty wonderful when my professor came up with this question, "has anyone of you ever fallen in love??". NOBODY raised their hands including me. maybe it's just an embarassing moment when people just won't admit that they're vulnerable and their hearts are at someone's mercy.

we discussed about how love can change people, in this epic's context, to be better. and indeed, i must agree that love DOES open up my VULNERABILITY, i need my loved ones all the time and it will hurt me badly if anything happen to anyone that i care about. but vulnerability here is not a negative meaning. it shows that you're humane, and you have emotions. i used to be cynical, to be so anti-men, believing that they are horrible creatures that God created to oppress women. (i know in Islam we're equal and all, still, i gotta admit, n Yusuf knows about how feminist i can be), my views are somehow contaminated with bad relationships, divorces, guys being jerks, in short, TRUST and LOVE are for those who are lucky enough to have them.

what i understood was, love, is a God's gift. true, it can hurt you, it can cause you to be irrational and it can give the ultimate happiness or devastation in your life. this is vulnerable. this is being human. these are our emotions.

so, if we deny LOVE, we're denying our very own existence and nature. don't deny that you've fallen in love. or fallen OUT of love. or faced rejection. or simply accepted but then it didn't turn out like waht u expected. don't worry if you're hurt once or twice or in my case, thrice, but despite my cynical ways, my faith helped me open up to someone who doesn't believe and trust people before either.

i dunno why m sharing this thing with u, nabilah and Iqbal (can't really talk about love to my sisters coz they're still in school..=.="). maybe i just wanted to say, i'm glad i know how to love. with all my heart (shared with the love of God, parents, siblings, relatives, friends).

muahx! :)

homesickness, perhaps.

sometimes, it's eerie, i can feel your kiss, your hug.

and without me realizing, i cry.

you may think i am weak.

but the tears that fall,

those are the ones giving me strength.

sometimes, it's eerie,

to see your face in the crowd,

and as i get near,

the person looks nothing like you,

perfect with your imperfections,

i feel this heart ache,

craving to hear your laughter,

dying to see your smile,

raging to feel your hand brushed against mine,

but i know.

you wouldn't want me to think about all these.

if only you know how hard it is for me,

to wait for you,

that anticipation broken when nothing came from you,

that small joy when seeing you through the windows on my screen,

you told me not to wait,

but what if my whole life right now, i depend on you?

i can't really tell my parents, i'm scared,

i can't really admit to my siblings, i'm sad,

i can't confess to my best friend, i feel bad

but i turn to you instead.

for my vulnerability is yours,

for my trust is yours,

for my love is also yours.

and then,

i look at the clock,

the time ticking away,

waiting for the day for me to go home.

look further beyond

it's really interesting how first impression always seem to prove you wrong. like, prejudice. u see someone's face like he or she is snobbish, turns out, u guys share the same crazy laughter.

u see someone looks at you like you're some kind of a loser, a freak, at the end of the day, he or she comes to you and confesses, you're admirable.

u see someone who is just carefree, like nothing in the world worries them, but then, he or she, comes to you, with an anxious look, admitting being constantly worried, asking for your advice on how to overcome the problems with his or her work.

u see someone who seems to flirt with every guy or girl he or she can get, in the end, you know how faithful he or she is to their other halves. :)

so, u see, not everyone is like how we perceive them.

sometimes, you just gotta be out there, and learn that prejudice or assumptions just lead you to another interesting part of someone. :)