confession, rejection.

after being quiet for quite a while, here i am.

with a new-but-not-that-new issue.

last night, a dear friend called me, A. he was very concerned with my emo statuses in FB. but then, i just didn't want to tell. it's not that i don't trust him, but everytime he called, he's been a very good listener. not that i'm complaining. but he's just too nice.

and then, out of nowhere, i started to talk about how i feel towards another best friend of mine, B. how i'm jealous whenever he's with his GF. i know, he's just a best friend, but somehow, i fear the thought of losing him. surely i'm glad for him to be happy with his gf, but, in a very selfish way, what'll happen to me?? true, i'm not going to lose him. i really hope he'll still care about me, get frustrated of my tantrums then worked his wonders of calming me down. laugh at everything, even to a single word that we both share mutual understandings. make pranks. and just sit close to each other, knowing each other's scent too well. i know i'll miss all of that. seriously, i know it sounds strange, like i'm in love with my best friend, but i'm not. i just don't want to lose him. is that the same?? i love him because he's my best friend, not because of this lovey dovey couple love. right?

then, as i finished telling A about B, suddenly, A said something about being true to my feelings. i should always believe in who i love. he told me, the feeling's beautiful. but learning from my sad past experience, i lost faith in the beauty that love brings. yes, i care about my family, i care about my friends but i can never imagine myself having a relationship with someone. with anyone. all i can think of is my studies, my future career, my family and my friendships with others. not enough space for special commitment to anyone. yet. no.

that was when A confessed. he poured his heart out. he said all the nicest things any girls would want to hear. i thought i was dreaming, for never in my life, guys talk to me like that. when i hear all those words, it's like i'm in another dimension. he accepted me as who i am. he's willing to know me better. he'll wait. i didn't have the heart to say a direct No to him. i don't want to be like the guy who rejected me upfront. i asked for my friends' advices, for they know, i never had any special relationship with anyone my whole nineteen years of life. i'm not ready. when this thing suddenly leaped out of my friend's voice in the phone that night, i couldn't grasp anything. i asked him. i freaked out. i tried to make him stop. but who am i to stop his feelings?? is there any way for me to make him stop? just like how i can't stop my feelings to B or the guy who rejected me?? for me, GUYS are always FRIENDS. nothing more even if i have a crush on someone. egoistically, i will never admit that i fear pain and hurt if any sort of relationships of mine do not work out.

my friends said that i should give it a try. frankly, it WOULD be nice, if only i never had any painful experiences before. my heart's not ready. everything's super fast. i love being single. i'm free to flirt around and i don't have to be committed to anyone. i can mingle around without feeling guilty or betraying someone. i can go anywhere with anyone that i want. but then, the loneliness comes. my friends already have their own lives with their respective partners or whatsoever.

i don't want to be in love. yet.. i want to keep my love for my future husband, whoever that might be. i shall wait. i want to maintain my faith, that to fall in love doesn't mean i need to be in a relationship now. i'm sure one day, A will find his true love and B, well, my best wishes for my best friend as well.

and one day, when my heart's truly ready, i shall be brave to embrace love.

but, that day is not today. not yet anyway.

for fear still lingers in the depths of my heart.

the pain still aching from past experiences.

God, show me the way. shoe me the right thing to do even if it'll break my heart or his.