was it real?

many convinced me that it wasn't real. but they're not the ones having the relationship. only i alone know how much i sincerely loved him. people may say i made the wrong choice. but it was one hell of a wrong choice because i can never get him out of my head. that means, I truly loved him.

people told me that nobody can love anyone just from sympathy. let me share with you. yes, i felt pity for him at first because I know we're too different from each other. Different family backgrounds, different pasts and for me, I had never had any commitments. Know how i changed pity into love? I fell in love when I saw him with his mother. and sisters. and the way he treated them. At that moment, i knew I had to give him the chance. I put my soul out there for him. and it happened. we really did fall in love.

but if i am sincere, why am i still hoping for his love when i know it will never come back? maybe because i'm still clinging to the past, when we both were madly in love and didn't realize how we both could change drastically as we grew further apart.

many got tired of me missing him. of me crying for him. of me to even mention his name. but what if that's the only option to stay strong and not go crazy about it? the tears that flow are not for him. but for myself. for my wounded heart. I thought i guarded my heart well enough. but no. I don't regret of loving him. because if i do regret, then it's not sincere.

right now, he's being a jerk. but as disillusioned as people tell me that i am, i know his other side. the side that he hates to be blamed when all he felt was he could not love me anymore. he was not ready. his idea of relationship was not about commitment. all he wanted was the fun part of chasing me. as bad as that sounds, can we really blame his feelings? Human feelings are fickle. we all know that. From pity, I fell in love. and for him, from love, it changed to pity. and he realized that pity is not good for any of us especially me who sincerely waited for him.

he was brave for trying to reach my heart. but he's just not that into me anymore. he's seen my worst and he couldn't accept me, so what's the point of our relationship? he grew tired of me. even if I fight till the end, and i really did, it won't change how he feels for me. i tried over and over again to save ourselves from all the heartache. but still it happened.

people told me it's not worth it anyway. people said i deserve someone better. people told me, he just doesn't realize how valuable i am. bla bla bla. all the break up cliches.

but people. listen to me. I loved him. and as stupid as it sounds, I still do. but I need time. I don't search for rebound boyfriends. I am sad. and let me be. grow tired of me? then you don't understand the pain yet.

i hate to sound so negative. but when i'm sad, my blog is the victim.