screwed up but fixed.

brown rejected me.

my sat scores sucked.

d guy i love, well, let's just say, we're friends.

my essays are not clear enough to portray who i really am.

i don't feel like doing my foundation homeworks.

i haven't done any sat subjects revision.

i'm screwed.

but.....

brown denied me because i'm better off somewhere else, like australia or even UK. :0

i perfectly understand why my sat sucked, because my efforts were not sufficient enough.

as for love, it hurts but still, i get to be a friend. what more can i ask for?

my essays are mine. n i'll do my best to portray who i am in them. yes, other people advice, criticize or even remain commenting nothing about my essays, but i'm not gonna give up.

as kiasu as it may sound, i like my foundie subjects this sem..since i dah left quite a lot of topics n slowly lagging behind...i need to catch up. :)

sat subjects...i need practice. time management n my memory's strength can be improved via lots n lots of practices.

i'm not screwed yet. girl, u get a grip of urself, u'll get firm hold on your life. :)

plus, thanks to my dearest friend's post in her blog, a very inspiring one, i felt wayyyy better about my scores, my apps n my life.

i know, God is fair and He has something in store that is just right for me. :)

my best friend just made me his enemy.

I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

i was dumped by my best friend from facebook, deleted from his YM list, he switched off the phone whenever i called, never replied my freaking fucking messages, won't even pick up his house phone which i think has this fucking caller id.

thank you so much for 'understanding' me.

thank you for being there whenever i 'NEED' you.

thank you for all THE KIND WORDS AND SUPPORTING THINGS U DID FOR ME.

yeah, i know u're mad. i know i was wrong. but it's unfair for you to do this to me!

all because i couldn't make it to an event with you.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MY DAD SAID NO. what was i fucking supposed to do??? look, I ADMIT IT'S MY FAULT FOR giving u hope that i would go but then, u SURELY understood how my family works. u have to understand how my father would react. I'M A GIRL FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S not nice to go out in the middle of the night. I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?? IF U WANT ME TO PAY YOU YOUR MONETARY LOSS, i'M freaking capable of doing so! just name the price. but not this price of u deleting me from your life.

look, i apologized. i repented. i said MY FUCKING SORRY. and this is the payment i gotta pay??

deleted from your so-called COOL GREAT LIFE????

thank you so much for being such a son of a bitch, my dearest best friend.

sorry i wasted a lot of your time to pursue your own success in life.

i got this from my friend. and yeah, i've learned.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your live, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, after that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you'll see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that there are people, who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance same goes for true love.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgive by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, As well as talking, Can ease emotional pains. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. I've learned to love and be loved. I've learned.

a month's worth of words: too much

gosh, i've been neglecting this cute green blog of mine for 5 weeks. and i must say that's A VERRYYYY LOOOONNNGGG time since there were soo many cool new things happened this past month.

what was i doing?

i can remember clearly we went out celebrating our dear friend's birthday at sunway. i LOVE it. emotions wafted in the air, we became closer to each other. and the birthday boy was rendered speechless after e gave him his birthday present, a hard thing to do to a guy like him. oh yes, we had a good time. never know the exact words to emphasize on the moist tears in his eyes, our LOUD laughter, me playing basketball with my besties, seeing other friends skating across the ice, falling yet somehow graceful. pride filled my heart like a mom being proud that her children are out there, showing off to the whole world that they're good. (ok, i sound mummy-ish) haha!

then, i remembered we sat for SAT 2. oh my, i must say, i felt inferior again in those moments. i have given my efforts, yet my results sucked. truly sucked. i mean, if u're in a class full of brilliant people, u WILL feel inferior no matter how optimistic u try to think. hmm...then, there were friends, who supported me all the way. my dears called, listened and consoled me during the night i got my results. she made me laugh, he said it was just fine and they condemned the exam itself. my dimples clearly showed despite streaks of tears from my eyes. (^_^) thank u, my friends, for being there.

hmm..what else was i doing? yes, i had a two week hols. but due to a tweak of circumstances, we'll be having a one week hols too next week. yeeehhaaa!!! ok, so during this hols, i did quite a lot of stuff. MY MAIN PRIORITY; my uni apps. did my research on unis that might LIKELY to accept me. (^_^) then, i became this responsible big sister, fetching my bro n sisters from school, seding them off to tuitions and go to the grocers to get kitchen stuff. fuh...i truly understood what my parents undergo all this while through those chores. made me appreciate them more.

another event: submit my ED to brown. life is full of gambling, so, i gambled anyway. in nicer terms, it's called tawakal. talked to one of my seniors, she adviced me to just go for it. do what u think best. and my teachers were surprisingly really helpful. hehe, thank you soo much for everything. and hey presto, next week, brown will call me for a phone interview. alhamdulillah, i feel good for the time being, not entirely lifting my hopes up yet not crushing them to dust either.

today, i sat for my SAT 1. another important test. was not entirely prepared but i felt good and satisfied after finishing the exam just now. my essay was ok, i understood the text in CR, i remembered my vocabs, my maths was just fine and i could identify a wrong grammar structure. so far, things look ok. so now, praying the best for my results.

fuh...there goes the SUMMARY of the events due to my ephemeral disappearance. mind u, this is only a summary. hehehe...i had other stuff to tell but when i realized that i'm too tired to read my own story, i guess i'll pen off now. i mean, keyboard off now.

hehehe. (^_^) life's good.

am i stupid?

this morning, i received my qa test marks. not good. average. maths has always been my doable yet not-so-liked subject. i gotta accept it nway because i didn't study. then, when i just started to feel inferior, because there was this some GENIUS guy starting to compare his marks with others, my best fren, well, he was sad with his marks too. i sent him a message, saying, YOU ARE NOT STUPID. n nagged him, telling him, YOU ARE GOOD IN MATHS. just because your marks was not high, doesn't make you a stupid guy. thinking back, i felt the stifling inferior feelings too. there are days wasted because i whined, feeling myself way below than others.

i must say, 11 years in the education system here in my country, i realise that we've all been brought up to an unwritten standard of intelligence. those who score high in the exams, are the SMART ones. those who are weak, or don't seem to reach just the right standard of the high marks, are the NOT-SO-SMART ones. a.k.a STUPID. ok, some might dispute over this but it's got some small teeny tiny truth in it.

i talked about this to JL. since i am surrounded with geniuses (my beloved classmates), seriously, sometimes, i feel like why was i even there with them. you gotta admit that having your friends with good scores in their exams while me receiving either an average or a very weak one, feeling inferior is inevitable. so, based on my discussion with JL, there was something he said that caught my attention.

d: am i stupid?
JL: NO! (immediate answer) why u say that?
d: u guys are soo smart weyh.
JL: hey, stupid is a very subjective word. you cannot really measure it. just because your exam score is low, does not make you stupid. if your exam marks are high, also does not make you totally intelligent. get what i mean?
d: well, u see, in our education system, everyone yg x score is considered weak. what if they are good in other stuff? not just academic?
JL: that happens if you only measure intelligence or stupidity only in academic. well, if u have other skills, like in music or something, you are still smart what.
d: in m'sia, why people are so hard to accept that not evryone can cope up with d unwritten rule of intelligence. if u see western people, ANY SORT OF INTELLIGENCE, not just in academic, they value it. they take it as part of the person.
JL: agree la.
d: so, if u say stupidity is subjective, intelligence also the same?
JL: of course. i didn't say that intelligence is not subjective.
d: owh, ok then.

(d dialogue written involved a lot of other stuff n also not entirely the real conversation we had but i didn't type them bcoz most of them are missing from my memory box)

so, after dat conversation, i guess, well, JUST BE WHO YOU ARE. not saying that if u r stupid, don't do something on it. what i'm thinking is, DO NOT EVEN THINK U R STUPID. true, u may not have d intelligence like others. because why? because, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN intelligence. god has blissfully bestowed upon us our BRAINS. utilize THEM. aim for your satisfactions. set your own standard. BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN STRENGTH, WORK OUT YOUR OWN WEAKNESS. nothing's wrong with that.

meaningful 15 minutes with a stranger

adik, adik duduk la depan tuh. ape lagi yg mau tunggu? masuk, masuk. tunggu ah. saya pi tgk org yg nk pergi south city sekejap.

that...was the man who drove me back to uniten tonight. with his yellow cab, plate number, erm...i forgot already laa...name..well, let it be mr. P.

i learnt something from him.

about my safety. as a girl.

ey, u mau balik uniten ka? sy antar itu perlis mau x? mana tau kan, saya ni penculik ka apa ka.
adik, ape itu keselamatan? keselamatan adik, x perlu risau laa...saya bwak kereta, sy laa yg jge keselamatan adik. tp, keselamatan ape yg adik ade dlm kereta???

that question struck me. not in a bad way, but in a very truthful way it's like seeing something soo bright right in your face. yeah, what did i do to protect myself inside the car?? what if this uncle is gonna do something bad to me?? what if i might not reach uniten tonight?

what am i supposed to do??

then, later uncle P pointed out my biggest mistake..

adik...kenapa adik x da mintak sama saya tiket taxi adik?? adik tau x tiket itu manyak penting punya untuk keselamatan.

this is the reason.

ON THAT TAXI TICKET, there is a serial number that can be easily traced by the authorities to detect wrongdoings among the taxi drivers. uncle P explained, saying that, if anything happens, MAKE SURE ONCE U ENTER THE CAR, D FIRST THING U SHUD DO, IS GRAB ( i mean, ask) FOR THE TICKET. DO NOT FORGET.

uncle p continued to question me.

adik, apa nama saya? apa number ic saya?? kereta ini warna apa? brand apa? nombor plate, kamu tau ka?

i realised i didn't. that was very dangerous for me, usually i wouldn't let my observant nature be in a vulnerable state but tonight, i really felt tired. all i know is i felt grateful that i got an early taxi once i left the train. i didn't even bother to know uncle P's name, or any sort of identification that my usually quick mind will memorize. therefore, after this, REMIND YOURSELF, NO MATTER HOW TIRED YOU ARE, ENSURE THAT U ALLOW URSELF TO SILENTLY MEMORIZE THE NAME, IC NUMBER OF THE TAXI DRIVER N REGISTRATION NUMBER OF THE CAR. this helps the authority in a very significant way when something unwanted happens.


also, i would love to add here, my friend recently lost her phone in a taxi while she went for a ride in it. she didn;t realize it was missing until la the taxi tuh dh drive away with an unbelieving speed. BEFORE WE LEAVE ANY PUBLIC TRANSPORTS, ENSURE THAT ALL OUR BELONGINGS ARE STILL WITH US. CHECK ESPECIALLY THE POCKETS AND UNDER THE SEATS. THEN, IF GIRLS, DO ENSURE THAT BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE CAR, U HAVE ALREADY ZIPPED YOUR BAG.

see what i learnt from a 15 minute journey from serdang to uniten. i really felt grateful to learn from a man like uncle P. he really does his job as an individual who cares about the whole community.

terima kasih, adik. jangan lupa ah apa saya sudah pesan. saya cerita sebab kamu sama saja macam anak saya.

thank you too, uncle P. may god bless u with all the kindness in the world in your life.

luckily, it was uncle P.

can we really get to know people in the virtual realm?

lately been crazy browsing through people's blogs. kinda a good activity really except for the eye strain once u forget to blink due to being sooo absorbed in the posts.

one thing i can learn.

people say that, if it's online, we can hardly judge people.

reasons:
1. we cannot see the true faces of these people.
2. maybe they are just putting up gimmicks so that people read their blogs.
3. eleh, nothing laa. it's electronic, no way u can study people's behaviour from their blogs.

i would love to add more reasons but i don't wanna bore myself typing down the long list of misconception of people towards blogs and stuff.

how can we actually judge people from their blogs or social networks and stuff??

the most apparent factor would be the pictures.

we can see how and what types of photos are uploaded into their blogs or networks. it could be their families, friends, tehmselves or just objects. in my theory, the ones who put pictures which include others like friends or families mean that they prioritize these people in their lives. especially pics with bf and gf kinda thingy. as forindividual pics, i believe these type of people are really confident of themselves. if not, why would they expose their pics for many people to see right?? we can interpret this type of picture with various objectives but all would come back to the level of confidence these people have. just watch the body language, the eye contact with the camera n stuff, and voila, u can easily hypothesise about them in just one click.

another thing that contributes a lot is how much they reveal themselves online.

ok, this can be quite contradictory to beliefs but still, i think that those who reveal a lot in their profiles and stuff are people who can easily open up to new people around them. maybe in real life, they might not seem that way but by revealing themselves online, it could be a source for them to project who they actually are in the real world. maybe they don't have enough courage or just being mysterious, we do not know. again, different circumstances can be interpreted differently. it needs congruent observations to finally identify what type of person we are in the virtual world.

i would also observe on how often they update or go online.

this is a factor which vaguely conveys the type of person if we are to judge them in the virtual realm of cyber. hehehe. a lot of variables need to be considered in order to construe who we really are when we surf the internet. some might treat facebook, ym or whatsoever so called networks seriously because the people they care often go online. others would just merely treat them as a recreational activity where they can wind down after a long day of work or study.

i don't know.

these are my assumptions.

on how i see life. from the cyber world perspective.

natural instinct also plays a highly significant role in evaluating people via the cyber realm. who says that if we are in this virtual realm, nothing is real? could be out there somewhere, there is just a real person as lively as a soul should be, just waiting for all the lies in the virtual world to mitigate.

maybe, all we need is to just trust. hmmmm.......

my own brand of soul vitamin

Ya Allah,

ampunkanlah dosaku,
ampunkanlah dosa kedua ibu bapaku,
ampunkanlah dosa guru-guruku,
ampunkanlah dosa seluruh muslimin muslimat yang masih hidup atau yang telah meninggal dunia.

ya Allah,
Kau terangilah hatiku,
lapangkanlah dadaku,
bukakanlah mindaku,
agar aku boleh menerima segal ilmu yang telah atau akan aku pelajari.

ya Allah,
kuatkan semangatku,
tetapkan keimananku,
jauhkanlah aku dari sebarang kemungkaran,
kau dekatkanlah aku dengan segala kebaikan.

ya Allah,
permudahkan kesulitanku di dunia dan akhirat,
Kau tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang benar,
bantulah aku untuk melihat hikmah di sebalik kejadian yang telah Kau tetapkan.

ya Allah,
jadikanlah aku ini,
hambaMu yang beriman,
umat nabi Muhammad yang taat,
anak yang solehah untuk kedua ibu bapaku,
pelajar yang cemerlang untuk guru-guruku,
sahabat yang baik untuk sahabat-sahabatku,
jadikanlah aku ini manusia yang berguna, ya allah.

ya Allah,
dengarlah rintihan hambamu ini.
aku mohon rahmatMu ya allah,
makbulkanlah doaku ini ya allah.
meskipun aku sedar, aku telah banyak melupakanMu, ya allah.

amin, ya rabbal alamin.

insecure weyh.

today, i don't know why, all of a sudden, i feel i'm not suitable for the job. not a good class rep. suddenly, felt really down. i have already pointed out that there's a possiblity that i should step down. i told my bestie about it. actually i dah point out few times but it wasn't taken seriously. not that i hate the job. it's just feels likes i haven't done enough.

i know i shouldn't feel that way because my friends tell me not to.

but...

sometimes, i feel inferior to all my other friends.

yet, i still want to fight. is this normal?

to feel insecure although you know, you should just be yourself??

there are times when i feel myself not qualified to be around these really super duper extraordinary classmates i have now, (although they might think otherwise).

seriously.

i know, i also have my own strength. yet, my strength's beginning to ebb away.

it's unacceptable to do so.

the exams are looming up.

i have my responsibilities towards my parents, siblings and my grandma.

i should stay strong and fight my way to achieve my dreams.

i guess, maybe it's just another bad day.

no way, girl.

listen to yourself.

you are not going to lose this.

yes, maybe others are way better than you, but take it as an opportunity to learn from them. it's just that your strength is different from theirs.

yes, maybe you think you are not a great leader or something (surely you are only normal) where you make mistakes and people judge you for that.

yes, others love to laugh and make fun of me, but that does not mean it's because i'm stupid. optimistically, they adore you as their friend.

girl,

you are who you are.

stay that way.

be strong.

girls are from ilmu, guys are from cendi

just thought about how opposite attracts.

i can never quite believe this theory although scientists have done researches on how negative and positive particles attract each other. although i know that magnets cannot be close when it's south pole meets another magnet's south pole.

so, here goes.

guys always complain saying that girls are complicated creatures. sure, of course we are. but then, the same question lingers in the girls' mind. why are guys always take things for granted?when exactly do they take things seriously?? is it when in the marriage life? is it when they study? hmmm....

i find it hilarious when there was this one time i watched the film created by the late yasmin ahamd, if i'm not mistaken, it's the movie titled sepet. there was this one scene where ida nerina said to her husband in the movie, harith iskandar that women are created to be loved, not to be understood. guys only need to love us, not understand us. hehehe...it was something like that i guess. but, somehow, i find it quite truthful. of course we want guys to understand us, no matter our fathers, our brothers, friends, boyfriends, husbands, cousins etc etc. but then, think rationally, women's emotions are just sooo complicated. it'll drive a man crazy to even understand one emotion.

as for guys, well, i'm not one so i cannot elaborate much on this side of the gender. but what i can observe and scrutinize from the behaviour of my own brother, my cousins and surely, my guy friends, they seem to always be in a carefree mode. i know guys have emotions but why is it so hard for them to express them? do they have to be stoical all the time? or are there times where they truly cry behind doors of in their rooms? for me, it depends. guy's ego are way intricate for me to comprehend. up to u guys out there to debate with me on this point.

like i said, girls are from ilmu, guys are from cendi. two opposite places which are quite far away from each other in uniten.

(god, finally, i admit where i am studying right now)

felt really bad

eww, are we into this mushy mushy talk??

why do you hate me?

as if i care.

above is just part of my everlasting argument with a friend of mine (i still consider him my friend although his ways sometimes cause me to reach my boiling point).

hmm....i called him heartless, insensitive and simply bad. which reflects me as an egoistic, cruel and heartless person too.

i know, i wasn't supposed to say all that, it would be better of me to shut my huge mouth up and ignore all his taunts and criticism. it's just that, not being that patient and easily angered, i find myself lashing and as they put it, became emo. maybe, i was just having a bad day. maybe it was just another mood swing that i had. to be frank, his attitude is just like what my best friend used to be in school before. funnily, we are still best friends till now. i wonder whether we'll ever come close to the term ok friends. hmm...(^_^)

so here, i don't care whether this will sound mushy touchy or geli or anything, but sincerely, after i thought about my actions back, i think i should apologize. which is kind of hard with a person like him but still, to clear my guilty conscience, i'll try.

so, here it goes, sorry buddy. i take back all the cruel words i lashed out. emo or not, i'm just me.

to my best friend, thanks for understanding my tantrums. it's a wonder how we became friends in the first place nway.

taking sweet time

i just got this email from my best buddy, N. she's been very distressed lately, saying that her life is hard and she needs to struggle with her A levels n stuff. she can't accept her new friends yet and she feels lonely. she hates being far away from home and she misses all our old friends miserably. in short, i call it the new life adjustment syndrome. hmm, i wonder if that's any different from me when i first entered my own new stage of life???

frankly, d first time i got here, a university i wud seriously not mention, i faced difficulties too. the freedom. the healthy competition. the stifling new surroundings. curiously new friends. being used to live in a protected shell of boarding school, and lived with the same frens 4 almost five years, i found myself having a slight culture shock. not in a very harmful way, it's just that, i must say, the first few weeks, i felt extremely lonely although all of my classmates stuck to each other as if we've known each other before. yeah, knowing very different yet similar in a way personalities from all the other classmates expanded my view of friends. people are just people. i love to watch how we all unravel ourselves. we all are a lil bit defensive when we first meet people. we portrayed a different image, just to ensure there's no insecurity in ourselves and tried to look our best in front of our new friends. we treated everyone nicely in the nicest possible way to avoid striking any unwanted feelings like anger or irritation. and TRUST, is extremely a humongous concept.

what i learnt was, true, we are all different. there were some of my friends that i realized i have not been able to know them entirely because of their hidden enigmatic behaviour. not hypocrites, just they don't open up yet. and i myself didn't appreciate the chances i got to get to know my own friends. being exuberant and lively, i love making new friends but the drawback was, i can be a little too impatient. i nagged my own curiosity. i just couldn't get it why people had to hide themselves in d first place. my mind was overflowing with desirable questions. why this and why that? why wouldn't things happen as i expect them to be? what do they like? what are their beliefs? immatured thinking of mine. but then, one friend told me directly that i was being pretty obvious if not, irritating of getting to know people. her words struck me. maybe i pushed too hard. maybe my pushy dominant attitude scare people off. or maybe i was plain annoying. (^_^)

after a while, i controlled myself. i decided to give people time. i chillax myself. not saying that my mind is not at all filled with everflowing questions, it's just that, i figured out that we all need to take our own sweet time. adjusting ourselves require many different skills and adapting our personality in other people's presence can be quite tiring. some people are just flexible while some just find d new environment an anathema and they need to search their own panacea first.

to my dear friend, N, chill. you have to be strong. we have to be strong. don't be scared of adjusting to your new life. let go of the past does not mean you are forgetting it. just embrace the present so that we all live in the sometimes abstruse reality of moving to a new stage of life. i know, i was being childish when i called you, crying in the phone just because i couldn't take in my new life. it's hard to trust new people that entered your life. but, one advice, live and let live. be happy because you want to be happy. not forcing yourself to paste on that fake smile to class so that you'll look joyful. no, just live your day like there is no other tomorrow.

i took my time anyway.

gratitude

red spots began to appear. my skin got all itchy. ugh..it's gross, painful, i feel extremely warm in the inside and i have to struggle to keep my fingers from scratching and worsen the itch...i don't know what caused this allergy (if it is indeed an allergy) but last time i got it, it was because of something supernatural. so told by my father.

seriously, it's been a while since i got this what malay people called gegate...pronounced ge-ga-te. i think it's shortened from the phrase gatal gatal. hmm..not sure. whatever la. yes, i may have allergies towards prawns and squids but then, i didn't eat any of them during dat day except fish and chip for lunch. yeah right, don't say i'm allergic to a typical dori fish now.

i got this uncontrollable itchiness before when i came back after playing basktball with my friends in the evening. i walked back to my hostel during d twilight, a supposedly no-no time for a walk outside. well, in my religion, we believe that twilight is the time when all the satans roam around on earth and we are strongly discouraged to go out from the house at this hour. at least, perform our maghrib prayer first then we can go out. i guess, i langgar the pantang larang, n got myslef into this messy itchy pain on my body. my father hypothesised that i got 'sampuk'ed by the 'thing' when i was on my way to d hostel. yeah, maybe so. after i put on the ayat pengusir jin CD in my room for the whole night (and got an injection from the clinic), i woke up with a skin as if i never got itchy the night before.

i guess people believe what they want to believe. when i got it again, (yesterday), i repeated the same thing that i did to get rid of the itchy skin of mine. plus i was extremely touched by all the attention and concern that my frens gave me. although there was this one 'dear' friend of mine (and a few others who supported him indirectly) who suggested to rub clorox or at least use dynamo on my skin so that the itch'll peel off. personally, i think that they are actually suggesting to kill me. hahaha....admirable ideas, fellas but then, i still wanna live with a normal skin. all the same, thank you my dears for the concern and bebelan that u guys gave me. my deepest gratitude to miss S for the full concern that u gave me altho i hope i didn't make u feel bad. thanx JL, for the sweet message. thanx ZA, for helping me rub the proper medicine on the skin. thanx, IN, PL, YS, NZ and CL, for the brilliant advices and suggestions about my skincare products and creams. oh yeah before i forgot, thanx CL 4 wishing me well when i got a slight fever and food poisoning befor this. n yes NZ, i'll try my best to eat as many veggies as i could (which i couldn't except for carrots) to prepare my immune system against any future maladies. i love all of u from the bottom of my heart.

next time around, no more walking during twilight hours or eat weird foods at the campus cafe. (^_^)

shame by jasvinder kashengera

i've got 4 books here that i think you should read. My lecturer began to distribute the books but in the end, the one that she lent to me was a book titled SHAME.

SHAME. a very strong word that in some places in this world, the meaning of this word can cost us our own lives. DISHONOUR. HUMILIATION. MORTIFICATION. OBLOQUY. DISGRACE. the question is now, how can an action of survival can trigger such bad word?

first impression? well, none actually. i mean, i'm a certain author follower not a very diverse novel reader. so, when she gave me the book, i did not expect anything although she told the synopsis was about HONOUR KILLING, a very inhuman, cruel practice where some parts of Asia still practice it.

obviously, i am aware about how this honour killing should be considered a criminal offense because it really affects a woman's life. i know that there are women out there who are condemned for trying to prevent honour killinng in Asia but their works still need more attention from the world. plus, my lecturer stated a fact saying that men are more supportive towards this saving the suffering women act although we might think that the ones who perform such savage ritual are also unfortunately, males. however, after finding myself shocked yet astounded by the facts from the author who experienced the tight culture of honourable family, i realized that it wasn't just about injustice. it was about being a human too where we are supposed to accept and respect human rights.

the author was absolutely an admirable person. she has this very independent head-strong persona that not many women have nowadays. especially Asian women whose culture taught that we should obey and abide the family rules as well as the community's. she explained on how we are told to stop having education and instead focus on doing houseworks and marry early and produce babies for the family. my fierce feminine side absolutely disagrees this. i must say, that although my culture does not perform this kind of unwritten rule of how disgracing a family's name is extremely offensive that even a mother can turn away from a suffering daughter. that even a brother can molest the sisters as they please without getting punished. a belief that only males should be treated nicely, feted, served like a king. in my ego and pride, yes, i do believe in certain extent that females are the ones who are mostly responsible for the households affairs yet i also fiercely believe that WOMEN are EQUAL to MEN.

i believe God has created this world in a very balanced way yet we humans make the mistake of abusing the equality to fulfill our own benefits. my firm belief in equality of chances and rights in life as long as it does not affect other people's lives in a detrimental way. you might think that i am a feminist but what i believe is what i will hold to. human only want to believe what they think is right without considering their own common sense and logical state of life. i am struggling not to be judgemental yet i find myself popping these question like how can love become non-existent in a marriage when it is a large factor of maintaining a harmony life? i mean, i am not in any kind of relationships but i do believe, human have their respective rights on how they should portray their emotions. no one is restricted to keep the feelings to themselves. everyone has the right to live their own lives. why should we do something that cause us unhappiness only because we don't want the neighbours talking behind ur back or see people staring at you just because you send your daughter for education?? i mean, be logic, people. as long as you do not cause harm to other people's live no matter physically, emotionally or spiritually, i don't see on hwy we should be scared of other people.

i am reminding myself that yes, God created us as different. we have different physical traits, religion, races, nationalities yet in one simple word, we are EQUAL. why? WE ARE HUMANS. IMPERFECT ONES THAT have a large responsibilty to make this world a better place.

a better place to know how meaningful and precious the cost of our own lives.

i took the book, savouring the rich smell of the pages. a must habit before i start reading books. my mind began to dwindle in the first few words on the book.

my sister's keeper

i argued with my sis on which book she should buy? i nagged her saying that she should read more intriguing stuff like thrillers or mysteries instaed of a typical teenager's book. while we argued, hey,what is cameron diaz, abigail breslin and a girl i don't know doing on a cover of book? wait, i saw the movie's trailer in youtube the other day. wow, cameron diaz is d mum in d story?? my sister rolled her eyes. duh, u see everything in youtube. she would mime me and start making me look like a fool. i narrowed my eyes. sis, u r soo dead.

i proudly present the first ever book written by jodi picoult that i have read. this post is supposed to be the first one compared to the change of heart that i have posted just now. well, the obvious reason that i wrote about change of heart first because i just finished reading it yesterday. hehehe...

this time, jodi picoult wrote about the sacred and beautiful relationship between siblings. i love her intro tho, the character saying that most babies are accidents. this time, her issue is about how another baby is created to fulfill his or her sibling's medical needs. in this case, anna (the non-accidental-purposely-chosen-chromosome baby) was born so that doctors can use her white cells or bone marrow to help her elder sister's recover.

i must say, the way jodi defined love in this story is absolutely mind boggling. she wrote about a mother's love, a sister's love, an egoistic love and love in a crumbling family institution. BASICALLY,LOVE. things get exciting when anna wanted to sue her parents for abusing her body in order to obtain the required cells( i am no expert to write its scientific name) for her sister's body. that was when i questioned, if i were anna, would i really do it, stop helping my sister when her life depended on me although my life is in peril as well?

i lied on my bed in my campus hostel. a lump formed in my throat. the act of whispering to myself sliced my throat like knives doing their jobs. if one of my sisters was sick like the one in this story, what would i do as a sister?

well, to file her lawsuit, anna met a cold-hearted yet excellent lawyer. the lawyer, in this story, is also facing personal crisis in love. his life is full of ego, he was this bitter person who did not embrace life in a positive way. but when he met anna, things changed for him. he found back his long lost love in high school years, and fought with himself in admitting his weakness or something. i am not going to reveal everything here. hehehe...

in this book, jodi also higlighted issues that my excessive thinking mind would clearly love to ponder upon. like how science is morally wrong when it comes to choosing the perfect chormosome and give birth to perfect babies. also, i thought that at first, anna was just being selfish and attention-seeking because she was so used of being neglected in her younglife. but, as the story progressed, i found that her secrets that she shared with her sister is mutually agreed. they created their own agreement. there were things that anna had to do in order to fulfill the treaty. including the lawsuit part.

the ending was least expected. when all we could expect is happy ending, jodi knows how to manipulate her story to come to a crushing reality in the end. how she portrayed accidents in life is truly eye-opening. that was when i think a lot about appreciating people in my life. in this case, how i really appreciate my sisters??

i arrived at the last page. well, i hoped it wasn't supposed to be that way. but, it is realistic. why not? unless we lose something, then only we will learn how to appreciate. no, i don't want to feel that kind of pain. i took my mobile phone and started calling my sisters although i just called them yesterday. u never know right??

change of heart by jodi picoult

my eyes caught d picture of a small kid wearing a pink dress on d front cover of d book. well, i wanted to buy 'handle with care', but i changed my mind. how can i neglect the offer dat MPH has given me?? hehehe..buy 3 for 2 books....

another review of a story book dat i have read. wow, i must say, jodi picoult is absolutely a controversial author. the way she tells her stories is very compelling and astounding at times. she manages to take even the smallest emotional conflict and can make us think about it 4 days.

i juz finished reading change of heart altho it's not d first book of hers dat i have read (first jodi picoult's book was my sister's keeper). diz tym, d story is about how a convicted murderer wanted to redeem himself by donating his heart to the daughter of d family's victims. he was sentenced the death row, d first ever in d state 4 almost 70 years. reason? he was accused of killing a police officer and a 7 year-old girl.

in this story, morals and ethics of a death penalty are questioned, religions are dangerously involved in the secular law of separating religion and court. the defense lawyer in this story also played a prominent role in discovering herself and how to live her life in a very confident way(not that she's not confident but she has personal conflicts like her awareness of weight and so on) which lawyers should do. she has to deal with her mother's everlasting criticsm and gain comfort from a rabbi father wehereas she was an atheist. another significant role that i like is the priest, Shay Bourne's spiritual advisor (the convicted murderer), where he had to face his own dilemma on his religion. his faith is doubted ever since he met the guy who seemed to kill two innocent people but then had a very kind persona.

jodi picoult highlighted a few religious and law issues in her book. well, not many writers can write about these issues in a very detailed yet not provoking way. her intentions of defining the world is not deletrious because she is clearly expert in relating her stories to ordinary people like me. i found her thorough research a very helpful way to gain knowledge. after all, i am not the type who reads factual books from cover to cover unlike my addicition to story books like diz. (^_^) d way she analyzed and compared such sensitive issues really made u think(seriously) and open up our rationality to see a different view from a different person. u know, dat kinda imagine-urself-in-dis-person's place thingy. is death really the solution of deterring unwanted entities in a community? do victims of crime should accept that somehow in a weird way, d criminals have saved them? i also found myself questioning, how many so-called- convicts out there is actually innocent but wrongly accused and had to suffer throughout their lives in human cages? plus, how humane is a human when it comes to protecting other people's rights? are we as notorious as a criminal when it comes to defending ourselves? or are we just using our survival instincts? these questions lingered in my mind when i sit doing nothing. a very conventional way to use your mind.

plus, i love her accurate details of describing an event, a place or even a person. i love using my imaginations so jodi picoult has certainly fulfilled d needs of my active visual mind. her acumen of seeing things is amazing because she knows how to notice things other people mostly do not which is quite similar to mine except that my subjects of observation is always human body language. her love of describing the colours of life sometimes made me put down my books and just stare and watch God's creations in this world. who knows? after this maybe i won't have the chance to watch anymore...

i closed the book. the small droplets of tears running down my cheeks, i wiped them away. silly, why the heck are you crying? embarassing myself. hey, it's just a story. i convinced myself. no, it's not, it's about life. i retorted with a hint of defending my own thoughts. it is so beautiful that i find myself overwhelmed with its beauty. i sighed.

the last lecture by randy pausch

i enjoyed the scent of the bookstore, absorbing the glossy looks from all the new books. as my eyes scanned through the racks in that bookstore, this thin dark colored book caught my eye.

hey there. this is a book that one of my favorite lecturers has suggested for me to read. i must say that i totally underestimated about what she said because for me, this is the most optimistic book that i have ever read.

the synopsis? it's a real story created by a randy pausch, who suffered and died from cancer (i don't remember which type of cancer). he was a professor in carnegie mellon university, a school that i would love to go and also one of my seniors are currently going to the school. basically, it's a story about how to live your life to the fullest but ironically, some would think the enthusiasm of the author is not equivalent to a cancer patient. i must say, randy pausch was an admirable character.

what i found fascinating from his story was that how he faced all these chemotherapies and medication but simultaneously enjoying every moment in his life. his strong persona never revealed that he had an illness until he admitted it on his last lecture. one thing about this book is that he clearly elaborated on how he achieved his dreams or should i say, how he worked hard to achieve his childhood dreams.

due to preparing his last lecture (a policy that i do not really understand, it's something about every term, these professors have to conduct their own talks in front of students in a hall), he thought hard on what to talk about because apparently, it was his last lecture in his life as a professor. then, he decided that he should tell the students about his dreams in life and how most of it, he has already achieved in a few lucky circumstances but still, mostly due to his determination.

i am not here to elaborate all his dreams but what i truly think is that, i absolutely enjoyed this book. you know what? i really don't know how to explain this feeling but i find it sad in an amusing way. sad because of his terminal illness yet amusing on how he totally defied and tried to prevent self-pitying by making necessary preparations for his children and wife in the future when he's gone. i would certainly recommend this book to anyone out there who feels down and not enjoying your life because Randy here truly enjoyed his life. maybe we will think that surely he enjoyed life because he had alrady accepted the fact of his death. hmm...i don't think so. from the way he told his story, it conspicuously showd that he enjoyed and embraced the idea of life ever since he was a little boy.

so, don't you think that we should live our lives now? i mean, truly enjoy and embrace it? or is it in human nature that we'll only truly appreciate a thing when it's leaving or else gone from our lives? this thought provoked me, i don't know about you. frankly, i took things for granted most of the time. but, i always get a smack in the head (literally) when something happened around me. like when my best friend lost her father, or when my fren's grandmother passed away or when bad lucks occur in life? have u ever told ur sisters or brothers how much u love them? it might sound yucky but seriously, when exactly will we tell them? yah, people say love are more significant via body language and actions yt i still find words are a good medium to clear things up. have u ever told ur parents how valuable they are in your lives? kiss and hug them like you truly mean it? yeah, we fought a lot but have u ever asked for their forgiveness not out of guilt? have we ever thanked them for bringing us into the cruel world yet they managed to make it as comfortable as possible for the sake of us, their children? how strong did we face our weaknesses or failures? did we skulk around or continued living like every normal days??

the last lecture opened my view of life. a refreshing and very enthusiastic story full of dreams and imagination yet at the same time, truly embraces the joy of life. life with its ups and downs.

my life.

your life.

our lives.

without any hesitation, i took the book from the rack, read the synopsis and felt the familiar sensation of buying a good book. never did i thought that this book would become absolutely meaningful to me unlike all the books that i have read before.

pixel perfect

pose. click. flash.

wow, sounds like i am a photographer. unfortunately, yes, i do love photography, but no, i don't have (and still couldn't afford) the Rm4,000 something canon professional camera. but still, i just love d fact dat i can capture moments (beautiful n funny ones) of life around me.

u see, photography is a way u show ur own creativity. i guess my family has this talent in our genes because this cousin of mine, he really takes good pictures. (not that i don't. hehehe) photography alows u to play with d colour, d vigor of d situation u're capturing as well as d natural lighting dat we need to manipulate just so we get d best pic. i am no professional in this area but i have my own acumen in remembering details and i modestly admit dat sometimes, i take really nice photos. (^_^)

photos. one thing i love about taking pictures is that the satisfaction of seeing them is continuous and repetitive. just like when u enjoy a painting or a sculpture or any kind of arts. once u frame these pics, they become eternal. suddenly, u'll compare how u looked in the past years. u travel thru time, u take a walk down memory lane, u laugh at all d good moments. in the past, u wore dat ugly braces around ur teeth, n in d next pic, u get a picture of urslef smiling with the perfect teeth any hollywood star or even anyone would die for. u look thin then, but now u look healthier n chubbier (an optimistic way of saying u r gaining weight)hhehe...so much 4 d exaggeration. oh yeah, i have this obsession of editing pictures, (especially using photoshop) making d pics look even better (if no luck, it'll become worse). i find it astounding as i manipulate the photo dat i have taken to become more beautiful. make it nostalgic. make it funky with colours. u name it. i certainly can try modifying these pictures. (^_^)

my point of view? pictures tell u stories. how? depends on how u see it. candid ones are the best to tell u stories and personalities of people. if u enjoy psychology, try looking at photos and scrutinize the body language as well as the level of happiness an individual has in d pic. an observant eye is an added advantage.

say cheese. (^_^) enjoy ur pics.

nothing is something

well, hi there.

i must say dat diz wud be my first blog post in my life. nothing to write. evryone always says dat when they don't know exactly what to do. in a way, when we say nothing, it's most likely, yeah, i got sumthing in my head. i guess, it's juz a developed kind of mentality and behavior which inhibits people to outspoken attitude. typical huh? those who are brave enough sometimes will just be deflated when their ideas or voices are not heard. trust me. especially, when a girl says nothing, she means there's a hell lot of wrong things going on in her life.

nothing. another mischievous way of hiding our misdeeds. put on dat huge false lip splitting smile, and say nothing, people would certainly raise their eyebrows and start asking, what's wrong? tell me. what is it diz tym?(dis dialog is highly compatible with mums asking their naughty children when they're smiling dat impish smile)yadda..yadda... yadda...familiar? hehehehe...dat's what we do evryday don't we?? frankly, i always do dat. those who r close to me r clearly aware of this good-natured-yet-annoying attitude i always portray in my daily life. hehehehe....(^_^) it feels good in a way but can bring u deletrious effects when u perform dis behavior at d wrong tym n wrong place n most probably, with d wrong person. not telling u d consequences coz i believe, u will juz know what happens next.

nothing. a very sad word when we look at it in a different angle. it's synonym to loss and despair when we lose somebody. death. heartbreak. nothingness.just like most of d books i read, my fave author jodi picoult is a master in explaining d details of such sad words. but in her stories, nothing is something. i wish i hav her talent of defining it here in my blog.

seriously, d next tym u encounter d word nothing, try search 4 anything coz ther's always something behind it. try. open up ur views. embrace nothing.