screwed up but fixed.

brown rejected me.

my sat scores sucked.

d guy i love, well, let's just say, we're friends.

my essays are not clear enough to portray who i really am.

i don't feel like doing my foundation homeworks.

i haven't done any sat subjects revision.

i'm screwed.

but.....

brown denied me because i'm better off somewhere else, like australia or even UK. :0

i perfectly understand why my sat sucked, because my efforts were not sufficient enough.

as for love, it hurts but still, i get to be a friend. what more can i ask for?

my essays are mine. n i'll do my best to portray who i am in them. yes, other people advice, criticize or even remain commenting nothing about my essays, but i'm not gonna give up.

as kiasu as it may sound, i like my foundie subjects this sem..since i dah left quite a lot of topics n slowly lagging behind...i need to catch up. :)

sat subjects...i need practice. time management n my memory's strength can be improved via lots n lots of practices.

i'm not screwed yet. girl, u get a grip of urself, u'll get firm hold on your life. :)

plus, thanks to my dearest friend's post in her blog, a very inspiring one, i felt wayyyy better about my scores, my apps n my life.

i know, God is fair and He has something in store that is just right for me. :)

my best friend just made me his enemy.

I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

i was dumped by my best friend from facebook, deleted from his YM list, he switched off the phone whenever i called, never replied my freaking fucking messages, won't even pick up his house phone which i think has this fucking caller id.

thank you so much for 'understanding' me.

thank you for being there whenever i 'NEED' you.

thank you for all THE KIND WORDS AND SUPPORTING THINGS U DID FOR ME.

yeah, i know u're mad. i know i was wrong. but it's unfair for you to do this to me!

all because i couldn't make it to an event with you.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MY DAD SAID NO. what was i fucking supposed to do??? look, I ADMIT IT'S MY FAULT FOR giving u hope that i would go but then, u SURELY understood how my family works. u have to understand how my father would react. I'M A GIRL FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S not nice to go out in the middle of the night. I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?? IF U WANT ME TO PAY YOU YOUR MONETARY LOSS, i'M freaking capable of doing so! just name the price. but not this price of u deleting me from your life.

look, i apologized. i repented. i said MY FUCKING SORRY. and this is the payment i gotta pay??

deleted from your so-called COOL GREAT LIFE????

thank you so much for being such a son of a bitch, my dearest best friend.

sorry i wasted a lot of your time to pursue your own success in life.

i got this from my friend. and yeah, i've learned.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your live, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, after that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you'll see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that there are people, who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance same goes for true love.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgive by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, As well as talking, Can ease emotional pains. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. I've learned to love and be loved. I've learned.

a month's worth of words: too much

gosh, i've been neglecting this cute green blog of mine for 5 weeks. and i must say that's A VERRYYYY LOOOONNNGGG time since there were soo many cool new things happened this past month.

what was i doing?

i can remember clearly we went out celebrating our dear friend's birthday at sunway. i LOVE it. emotions wafted in the air, we became closer to each other. and the birthday boy was rendered speechless after e gave him his birthday present, a hard thing to do to a guy like him. oh yes, we had a good time. never know the exact words to emphasize on the moist tears in his eyes, our LOUD laughter, me playing basketball with my besties, seeing other friends skating across the ice, falling yet somehow graceful. pride filled my heart like a mom being proud that her children are out there, showing off to the whole world that they're good. (ok, i sound mummy-ish) haha!

then, i remembered we sat for SAT 2. oh my, i must say, i felt inferior again in those moments. i have given my efforts, yet my results sucked. truly sucked. i mean, if u're in a class full of brilliant people, u WILL feel inferior no matter how optimistic u try to think. hmm...then, there were friends, who supported me all the way. my dears called, listened and consoled me during the night i got my results. she made me laugh, he said it was just fine and they condemned the exam itself. my dimples clearly showed despite streaks of tears from my eyes. (^_^) thank u, my friends, for being there.

hmm..what else was i doing? yes, i had a two week hols. but due to a tweak of circumstances, we'll be having a one week hols too next week. yeeehhaaa!!! ok, so during this hols, i did quite a lot of stuff. MY MAIN PRIORITY; my uni apps. did my research on unis that might LIKELY to accept me. (^_^) then, i became this responsible big sister, fetching my bro n sisters from school, seding them off to tuitions and go to the grocers to get kitchen stuff. fuh...i truly understood what my parents undergo all this while through those chores. made me appreciate them more.

another event: submit my ED to brown. life is full of gambling, so, i gambled anyway. in nicer terms, it's called tawakal. talked to one of my seniors, she adviced me to just go for it. do what u think best. and my teachers were surprisingly really helpful. hehe, thank you soo much for everything. and hey presto, next week, brown will call me for a phone interview. alhamdulillah, i feel good for the time being, not entirely lifting my hopes up yet not crushing them to dust either.

today, i sat for my SAT 1. another important test. was not entirely prepared but i felt good and satisfied after finishing the exam just now. my essay was ok, i understood the text in CR, i remembered my vocabs, my maths was just fine and i could identify a wrong grammar structure. so far, things look ok. so now, praying the best for my results.

fuh...there goes the SUMMARY of the events due to my ephemeral disappearance. mind u, this is only a summary. hehehe...i had other stuff to tell but when i realized that i'm too tired to read my own story, i guess i'll pen off now. i mean, keyboard off now.

hehehe. (^_^) life's good.

am i stupid?

this morning, i received my qa test marks. not good. average. maths has always been my doable yet not-so-liked subject. i gotta accept it nway because i didn't study. then, when i just started to feel inferior, because there was this some GENIUS guy starting to compare his marks with others, my best fren, well, he was sad with his marks too. i sent him a message, saying, YOU ARE NOT STUPID. n nagged him, telling him, YOU ARE GOOD IN MATHS. just because your marks was not high, doesn't make you a stupid guy. thinking back, i felt the stifling inferior feelings too. there are days wasted because i whined, feeling myself way below than others.

i must say, 11 years in the education system here in my country, i realise that we've all been brought up to an unwritten standard of intelligence. those who score high in the exams, are the SMART ones. those who are weak, or don't seem to reach just the right standard of the high marks, are the NOT-SO-SMART ones. a.k.a STUPID. ok, some might dispute over this but it's got some small teeny tiny truth in it.

i talked about this to JL. since i am surrounded with geniuses (my beloved classmates), seriously, sometimes, i feel like why was i even there with them. you gotta admit that having your friends with good scores in their exams while me receiving either an average or a very weak one, feeling inferior is inevitable. so, based on my discussion with JL, there was something he said that caught my attention.

d: am i stupid?
JL: NO! (immediate answer) why u say that?
d: u guys are soo smart weyh.
JL: hey, stupid is a very subjective word. you cannot really measure it. just because your exam score is low, does not make you stupid. if your exam marks are high, also does not make you totally intelligent. get what i mean?
d: well, u see, in our education system, everyone yg x score is considered weak. what if they are good in other stuff? not just academic?
JL: that happens if you only measure intelligence or stupidity only in academic. well, if u have other skills, like in music or something, you are still smart what.
d: in m'sia, why people are so hard to accept that not evryone can cope up with d unwritten rule of intelligence. if u see western people, ANY SORT OF INTELLIGENCE, not just in academic, they value it. they take it as part of the person.
JL: agree la.
d: so, if u say stupidity is subjective, intelligence also the same?
JL: of course. i didn't say that intelligence is not subjective.
d: owh, ok then.

(d dialogue written involved a lot of other stuff n also not entirely the real conversation we had but i didn't type them bcoz most of them are missing from my memory box)

so, after dat conversation, i guess, well, JUST BE WHO YOU ARE. not saying that if u r stupid, don't do something on it. what i'm thinking is, DO NOT EVEN THINK U R STUPID. true, u may not have d intelligence like others. because why? because, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN intelligence. god has blissfully bestowed upon us our BRAINS. utilize THEM. aim for your satisfactions. set your own standard. BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN STRENGTH, WORK OUT YOUR OWN WEAKNESS. nothing's wrong with that.

meaningful 15 minutes with a stranger

adik, adik duduk la depan tuh. ape lagi yg mau tunggu? masuk, masuk. tunggu ah. saya pi tgk org yg nk pergi south city sekejap.

that...was the man who drove me back to uniten tonight. with his yellow cab, plate number, erm...i forgot already laa...name..well, let it be mr. P.

i learnt something from him.

about my safety. as a girl.

ey, u mau balik uniten ka? sy antar itu perlis mau x? mana tau kan, saya ni penculik ka apa ka.
adik, ape itu keselamatan? keselamatan adik, x perlu risau laa...saya bwak kereta, sy laa yg jge keselamatan adik. tp, keselamatan ape yg adik ade dlm kereta???

that question struck me. not in a bad way, but in a very truthful way it's like seeing something soo bright right in your face. yeah, what did i do to protect myself inside the car?? what if this uncle is gonna do something bad to me?? what if i might not reach uniten tonight?

what am i supposed to do??

then, later uncle P pointed out my biggest mistake..

adik...kenapa adik x da mintak sama saya tiket taxi adik?? adik tau x tiket itu manyak penting punya untuk keselamatan.

this is the reason.

ON THAT TAXI TICKET, there is a serial number that can be easily traced by the authorities to detect wrongdoings among the taxi drivers. uncle P explained, saying that, if anything happens, MAKE SURE ONCE U ENTER THE CAR, D FIRST THING U SHUD DO, IS GRAB ( i mean, ask) FOR THE TICKET. DO NOT FORGET.

uncle p continued to question me.

adik, apa nama saya? apa number ic saya?? kereta ini warna apa? brand apa? nombor plate, kamu tau ka?

i realised i didn't. that was very dangerous for me, usually i wouldn't let my observant nature be in a vulnerable state but tonight, i really felt tired. all i know is i felt grateful that i got an early taxi once i left the train. i didn't even bother to know uncle P's name, or any sort of identification that my usually quick mind will memorize. therefore, after this, REMIND YOURSELF, NO MATTER HOW TIRED YOU ARE, ENSURE THAT U ALLOW URSELF TO SILENTLY MEMORIZE THE NAME, IC NUMBER OF THE TAXI DRIVER N REGISTRATION NUMBER OF THE CAR. this helps the authority in a very significant way when something unwanted happens.


also, i would love to add here, my friend recently lost her phone in a taxi while she went for a ride in it. she didn;t realize it was missing until la the taxi tuh dh drive away with an unbelieving speed. BEFORE WE LEAVE ANY PUBLIC TRANSPORTS, ENSURE THAT ALL OUR BELONGINGS ARE STILL WITH US. CHECK ESPECIALLY THE POCKETS AND UNDER THE SEATS. THEN, IF GIRLS, DO ENSURE THAT BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE CAR, U HAVE ALREADY ZIPPED YOUR BAG.

see what i learnt from a 15 minute journey from serdang to uniten. i really felt grateful to learn from a man like uncle P. he really does his job as an individual who cares about the whole community.

terima kasih, adik. jangan lupa ah apa saya sudah pesan. saya cerita sebab kamu sama saja macam anak saya.

thank you too, uncle P. may god bless u with all the kindness in the world in your life.

luckily, it was uncle P.

can we really get to know people in the virtual realm?

lately been crazy browsing through people's blogs. kinda a good activity really except for the eye strain once u forget to blink due to being sooo absorbed in the posts.

one thing i can learn.

people say that, if it's online, we can hardly judge people.

reasons:
1. we cannot see the true faces of these people.
2. maybe they are just putting up gimmicks so that people read their blogs.
3. eleh, nothing laa. it's electronic, no way u can study people's behaviour from their blogs.

i would love to add more reasons but i don't wanna bore myself typing down the long list of misconception of people towards blogs and stuff.

how can we actually judge people from their blogs or social networks and stuff??

the most apparent factor would be the pictures.

we can see how and what types of photos are uploaded into their blogs or networks. it could be their families, friends, tehmselves or just objects. in my theory, the ones who put pictures which include others like friends or families mean that they prioritize these people in their lives. especially pics with bf and gf kinda thingy. as forindividual pics, i believe these type of people are really confident of themselves. if not, why would they expose their pics for many people to see right?? we can interpret this type of picture with various objectives but all would come back to the level of confidence these people have. just watch the body language, the eye contact with the camera n stuff, and voila, u can easily hypothesise about them in just one click.

another thing that contributes a lot is how much they reveal themselves online.

ok, this can be quite contradictory to beliefs but still, i think that those who reveal a lot in their profiles and stuff are people who can easily open up to new people around them. maybe in real life, they might not seem that way but by revealing themselves online, it could be a source for them to project who they actually are in the real world. maybe they don't have enough courage or just being mysterious, we do not know. again, different circumstances can be interpreted differently. it needs congruent observations to finally identify what type of person we are in the virtual world.

i would also observe on how often they update or go online.

this is a factor which vaguely conveys the type of person if we are to judge them in the virtual realm of cyber. hehehe. a lot of variables need to be considered in order to construe who we really are when we surf the internet. some might treat facebook, ym or whatsoever so called networks seriously because the people they care often go online. others would just merely treat them as a recreational activity where they can wind down after a long day of work or study.

i don't know.

these are my assumptions.

on how i see life. from the cyber world perspective.

natural instinct also plays a highly significant role in evaluating people via the cyber realm. who says that if we are in this virtual realm, nothing is real? could be out there somewhere, there is just a real person as lively as a soul should be, just waiting for all the lies in the virtual world to mitigate.

maybe, all we need is to just trust. hmmmm.......