believe...

someone dear to me once asked me,

WHY DO YOU LIKE TO SIGH, WHINE AND COMPLAIN?

he said, x baik tau. tuh tunjuk yang awak tuh negatif sgt.

i was stunned yet amazed by the blunt truth he just blurted out. he's a friend that i trusted in, so, whatever he said to me, it surely had to mean something.

another equally dear friend of mine also said the similar thing,

when we were in a camp and the speaker was talking about how our human minds think and believe. he said i'm a pessimistic person.

what they say, might only be partially true though. i accept the words of my caring observant friends although somehow, those stung my heart (can't blame my sensitivity, it's just me). :)

anyway, i pondered and became pensive in my own thoughts.

here's what i have to tell.

when i was in my high school, i was not that bitter whining girl you guys see in me now. in fact, i was the one who kept spreading the positive bubble to my friends, hell, i was the one my friends looked after when they felt down or lost their self esteem. i'm not trying to boast of what i did or defend who i was before but maybe, just maybe, there's a huge reason for me to change so drastically in just two years.

failures in soo many things can be very lethal for those who are hard to accept them. i'm one of these unlucky ones. i tend to blame myself if i fail in anything. i can brood, cry and whine for hours but the terrible guilt and devastation of not achieving what i wanted is just soooo unbearable. different people have different ways of dealing with themselves. i just need more time.

it's not that i can never accept failures, if i couldn't then i should be in a mad hospital or somewhere to get the depression off me. it's just that, my heart can only handle certain failures at certain times and when i do need to face it, i need to adjust myself. maybe, just maybe, i was being realistic. and trust me, reality can be very harsh. (there goes my bitterness). :)

i may be bright and cheery and exuberant and loud every single day of my life. but i, too, am a human who has a down side occasionally. and i too, deserve a right to express myself when i failed. and unfortunately, the way i express myself is by brooding, crying and posting angry or emo statuses in my social networking websites. i'm just being myself. if you call it fake, then, it's up to you. you can't blame me if i can't help being myself, right? :)

despite all these, the best part is always the getting up again part. for me, it's hard because i know i'm the one who's making it hard. but that doesn't mean i didn't even wanna try at all. that shows how i've strived for my dreams.

i tried. it didn't work out. i cried.

i tried again. still, nothing. i brooded.

i tried and tried and tried, believing in my own faith that i rarely give the privilege for other people to see (some just think they already know me too well when indeed, they can never read what my mind says), and now, i wait. the results will be out soon.

if i succeed, i deal with it. if i fail, i deal with it too.

so, don't you worry about me being negative because trust me, the positive side in me is wayyy stronger than what you perceive. maybe what you see or hear from me may sound whiny or veryyyy negative but i know, i have my prayers. i believe God will reward whoever that has faith but the difference is, the time and circumstances that he will bestow it.

maybe, just maybe, mine will come a little bit late compared to others.

but the faith of having faith is all i need to get me through.

thank you for the advices my dear friends. i appreciate them. i really do. :)

i believe i can. in fact, i'm glad i CAN BELIEVE.

just another day.

hectic life is a great life. how insane does that sound? hmm...

my life's hectic,

on my bed, files strewn,

sighing, i resumed.

he said hi to me,

ego sustained, looking away,

i blushed in the face.

noise everywhere,

identical black shirts,

my friends made me smile.

paper fed in it,

fast speed with efficiency,

photocopier at work.

i'm crapping a lot,

i smiled, i laughed, i cried,

my day was great. :)

fuhhh....really felt better after those haiku..:)

just some spontaneous haiku.

that blue car,

gleaming in the sun,

it's mine.

they speak louder,

they see clearer,

pictures never lie.

i love you.

if used sincerely,

will last infinitely.

exams, books, papers,

filled the top of my desk,

how tiring!

you, stand there.

look at me now...

how egoistic...

boats, sun, sea.

water splashing on my face,

i got sunburns...

with dimples i smile,

blushing red in the face,

spreading my sunshine.

you pissed me off.

misery is worthless.

i'm not angry anymore.

you made me smile,

smile as wide as my face can stand,

a friend i'll remember.

that cat.

sleeping on the wall.

cranky when disturbed.

four girls. one boy.

one father, one mother,

i love them.

in this cold city,

hard to find them.

trees, life, nature.

very loud,

old women gossiping,

oh dear, my neighbors...

shhhh....

listen...carefully...

here she comes.

:)

screwed up but fixed.

brown rejected me.

my sat scores sucked.

d guy i love, well, let's just say, we're friends.

my essays are not clear enough to portray who i really am.

i don't feel like doing my foundation homeworks.

i haven't done any sat subjects revision.

i'm screwed.

but.....

brown denied me because i'm better off somewhere else, like australia or even UK. :0

i perfectly understand why my sat sucked, because my efforts were not sufficient enough.

as for love, it hurts but still, i get to be a friend. what more can i ask for?

my essays are mine. n i'll do my best to portray who i am in them. yes, other people advice, criticize or even remain commenting nothing about my essays, but i'm not gonna give up.

as kiasu as it may sound, i like my foundie subjects this sem..since i dah left quite a lot of topics n slowly lagging behind...i need to catch up. :)

sat subjects...i need practice. time management n my memory's strength can be improved via lots n lots of practices.

i'm not screwed yet. girl, u get a grip of urself, u'll get firm hold on your life. :)

plus, thanks to my dearest friend's post in her blog, a very inspiring one, i felt wayyyy better about my scores, my apps n my life.

i know, God is fair and He has something in store that is just right for me. :)

my best friend just made me his enemy.

I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

i was dumped by my best friend from facebook, deleted from his YM list, he switched off the phone whenever i called, never replied my freaking fucking messages, won't even pick up his house phone which i think has this fucking caller id.

thank you so much for 'understanding' me.

thank you for being there whenever i 'NEED' you.

thank you for all THE KIND WORDS AND SUPPORTING THINGS U DID FOR ME.

yeah, i know u're mad. i know i was wrong. but it's unfair for you to do this to me!

all because i couldn't make it to an event with you.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MY DAD SAID NO. what was i fucking supposed to do??? look, I ADMIT IT'S MY FAULT FOR giving u hope that i would go but then, u SURELY understood how my family works. u have to understand how my father would react. I'M A GIRL FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S not nice to go out in the middle of the night. I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?? IF U WANT ME TO PAY YOU YOUR MONETARY LOSS, i'M freaking capable of doing so! just name the price. but not this price of u deleting me from your life.

look, i apologized. i repented. i said MY FUCKING SORRY. and this is the payment i gotta pay??

deleted from your so-called COOL GREAT LIFE????

thank you so much for being such a son of a bitch, my dearest best friend.

sorry i wasted a lot of your time to pursue your own success in life.

i got this from my friend. and yeah, i've learned.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your live, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, after that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you'll see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that there are people, who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance same goes for true love.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgive by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, As well as talking, Can ease emotional pains. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. I've learned to love and be loved. I've learned.

a month's worth of words: too much

gosh, i've been neglecting this cute green blog of mine for 5 weeks. and i must say that's A VERRYYYY LOOOONNNGGG time since there were soo many cool new things happened this past month.

what was i doing?

i can remember clearly we went out celebrating our dear friend's birthday at sunway. i LOVE it. emotions wafted in the air, we became closer to each other. and the birthday boy was rendered speechless after e gave him his birthday present, a hard thing to do to a guy like him. oh yes, we had a good time. never know the exact words to emphasize on the moist tears in his eyes, our LOUD laughter, me playing basketball with my besties, seeing other friends skating across the ice, falling yet somehow graceful. pride filled my heart like a mom being proud that her children are out there, showing off to the whole world that they're good. (ok, i sound mummy-ish) haha!

then, i remembered we sat for SAT 2. oh my, i must say, i felt inferior again in those moments. i have given my efforts, yet my results sucked. truly sucked. i mean, if u're in a class full of brilliant people, u WILL feel inferior no matter how optimistic u try to think. hmm...then, there were friends, who supported me all the way. my dears called, listened and consoled me during the night i got my results. she made me laugh, he said it was just fine and they condemned the exam itself. my dimples clearly showed despite streaks of tears from my eyes. (^_^) thank u, my friends, for being there.

hmm..what else was i doing? yes, i had a two week hols. but due to a tweak of circumstances, we'll be having a one week hols too next week. yeeehhaaa!!! ok, so during this hols, i did quite a lot of stuff. MY MAIN PRIORITY; my uni apps. did my research on unis that might LIKELY to accept me. (^_^) then, i became this responsible big sister, fetching my bro n sisters from school, seding them off to tuitions and go to the grocers to get kitchen stuff. fuh...i truly understood what my parents undergo all this while through those chores. made me appreciate them more.

another event: submit my ED to brown. life is full of gambling, so, i gambled anyway. in nicer terms, it's called tawakal. talked to one of my seniors, she adviced me to just go for it. do what u think best. and my teachers were surprisingly really helpful. hehe, thank you soo much for everything. and hey presto, next week, brown will call me for a phone interview. alhamdulillah, i feel good for the time being, not entirely lifting my hopes up yet not crushing them to dust either.

today, i sat for my SAT 1. another important test. was not entirely prepared but i felt good and satisfied after finishing the exam just now. my essay was ok, i understood the text in CR, i remembered my vocabs, my maths was just fine and i could identify a wrong grammar structure. so far, things look ok. so now, praying the best for my results.

fuh...there goes the SUMMARY of the events due to my ephemeral disappearance. mind u, this is only a summary. hehehe...i had other stuff to tell but when i realized that i'm too tired to read my own story, i guess i'll pen off now. i mean, keyboard off now.

hehehe. (^_^) life's good.