believe...

someone dear to me once asked me,

WHY DO YOU LIKE TO SIGH, WHINE AND COMPLAIN?

he said, x baik tau. tuh tunjuk yang awak tuh negatif sgt.

i was stunned yet amazed by the blunt truth he just blurted out. he's a friend that i trusted in, so, whatever he said to me, it surely had to mean something.

another equally dear friend of mine also said the similar thing,

when we were in a camp and the speaker was talking about how our human minds think and believe. he said i'm a pessimistic person.

what they say, might only be partially true though. i accept the words of my caring observant friends although somehow, those stung my heart (can't blame my sensitivity, it's just me). :)

anyway, i pondered and became pensive in my own thoughts.

here's what i have to tell.

when i was in my high school, i was not that bitter whining girl you guys see in me now. in fact, i was the one who kept spreading the positive bubble to my friends, hell, i was the one my friends looked after when they felt down or lost their self esteem. i'm not trying to boast of what i did or defend who i was before but maybe, just maybe, there's a huge reason for me to change so drastically in just two years.

failures in soo many things can be very lethal for those who are hard to accept them. i'm one of these unlucky ones. i tend to blame myself if i fail in anything. i can brood, cry and whine for hours but the terrible guilt and devastation of not achieving what i wanted is just soooo unbearable. different people have different ways of dealing with themselves. i just need more time.

it's not that i can never accept failures, if i couldn't then i should be in a mad hospital or somewhere to get the depression off me. it's just that, my heart can only handle certain failures at certain times and when i do need to face it, i need to adjust myself. maybe, just maybe, i was being realistic. and trust me, reality can be very harsh. (there goes my bitterness). :)

i may be bright and cheery and exuberant and loud every single day of my life. but i, too, am a human who has a down side occasionally. and i too, deserve a right to express myself when i failed. and unfortunately, the way i express myself is by brooding, crying and posting angry or emo statuses in my social networking websites. i'm just being myself. if you call it fake, then, it's up to you. you can't blame me if i can't help being myself, right? :)

despite all these, the best part is always the getting up again part. for me, it's hard because i know i'm the one who's making it hard. but that doesn't mean i didn't even wanna try at all. that shows how i've strived for my dreams.

i tried. it didn't work out. i cried.

i tried again. still, nothing. i brooded.

i tried and tried and tried, believing in my own faith that i rarely give the privilege for other people to see (some just think they already know me too well when indeed, they can never read what my mind says), and now, i wait. the results will be out soon.

if i succeed, i deal with it. if i fail, i deal with it too.

so, don't you worry about me being negative because trust me, the positive side in me is wayyy stronger than what you perceive. maybe what you see or hear from me may sound whiny or veryyyy negative but i know, i have my prayers. i believe God will reward whoever that has faith but the difference is, the time and circumstances that he will bestow it.

maybe, just maybe, mine will come a little bit late compared to others.

but the faith of having faith is all i need to get me through.

thank you for the advices my dear friends. i appreciate them. i really do. :)

i believe i can. in fact, i'm glad i CAN BELIEVE.