just another day.

hectic life is a great life. how insane does that sound? hmm...

my life's hectic,

on my bed, files strewn,

sighing, i resumed.

he said hi to me,

ego sustained, looking away,

i blushed in the face.

noise everywhere,

identical black shirts,

my friends made me smile.

paper fed in it,

fast speed with efficiency,

photocopier at work.

i'm crapping a lot,

i smiled, i laughed, i cried,

my day was great. :)

fuhhh....really felt better after those haiku..:)

just some spontaneous haiku.

that blue car,

gleaming in the sun,

it's mine.

they speak louder,

they see clearer,

pictures never lie.

i love you.

if used sincerely,

will last infinitely.

exams, books, papers,

filled the top of my desk,

how tiring!

you, stand there.

look at me now...

how egoistic...

boats, sun, sea.

water splashing on my face,

i got sunburns...

with dimples i smile,

blushing red in the face,

spreading my sunshine.

you pissed me off.

misery is worthless.

i'm not angry anymore.

you made me smile,

smile as wide as my face can stand,

a friend i'll remember.

that cat.

sleeping on the wall.

cranky when disturbed.

four girls. one boy.

one father, one mother,

i love them.

in this cold city,

hard to find them.

trees, life, nature.

very loud,

old women gossiping,

oh dear, my neighbors...

shhhh....

listen...carefully...

here she comes.

:)

screwed up but fixed.

brown rejected me.

my sat scores sucked.

d guy i love, well, let's just say, we're friends.

my essays are not clear enough to portray who i really am.

i don't feel like doing my foundation homeworks.

i haven't done any sat subjects revision.

i'm screwed.

but.....

brown denied me because i'm better off somewhere else, like australia or even UK. :0

i perfectly understand why my sat sucked, because my efforts were not sufficient enough.

as for love, it hurts but still, i get to be a friend. what more can i ask for?

my essays are mine. n i'll do my best to portray who i am in them. yes, other people advice, criticize or even remain commenting nothing about my essays, but i'm not gonna give up.

as kiasu as it may sound, i like my foundie subjects this sem..since i dah left quite a lot of topics n slowly lagging behind...i need to catch up. :)

sat subjects...i need practice. time management n my memory's strength can be improved via lots n lots of practices.

i'm not screwed yet. girl, u get a grip of urself, u'll get firm hold on your life. :)

plus, thanks to my dearest friend's post in her blog, a very inspiring one, i felt wayyyy better about my scores, my apps n my life.

i know, God is fair and He has something in store that is just right for me. :)

my best friend just made me his enemy.

I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

i was dumped by my best friend from facebook, deleted from his YM list, he switched off the phone whenever i called, never replied my freaking fucking messages, won't even pick up his house phone which i think has this fucking caller id.

thank you so much for 'understanding' me.

thank you for being there whenever i 'NEED' you.

thank you for all THE KIND WORDS AND SUPPORTING THINGS U DID FOR ME.

yeah, i know u're mad. i know i was wrong. but it's unfair for you to do this to me!

all because i couldn't make it to an event with you.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MY DAD SAID NO. what was i fucking supposed to do??? look, I ADMIT IT'S MY FAULT FOR giving u hope that i would go but then, u SURELY understood how my family works. u have to understand how my father would react. I'M A GIRL FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S not nice to go out in the middle of the night. I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?? IF U WANT ME TO PAY YOU YOUR MONETARY LOSS, i'M freaking capable of doing so! just name the price. but not this price of u deleting me from your life.

look, i apologized. i repented. i said MY FUCKING SORRY. and this is the payment i gotta pay??

deleted from your so-called COOL GREAT LIFE????

thank you so much for being such a son of a bitch, my dearest best friend.

sorry i wasted a lot of your time to pursue your own success in life.

i got this from my friend. and yeah, i've learned.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your live, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, after that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you'll see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that there are people, who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance same goes for true love.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgive by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, As well as talking, Can ease emotional pains. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. I've learned to love and be loved. I've learned.

a month's worth of words: too much

gosh, i've been neglecting this cute green blog of mine for 5 weeks. and i must say that's A VERRYYYY LOOOONNNGGG time since there were soo many cool new things happened this past month.

what was i doing?

i can remember clearly we went out celebrating our dear friend's birthday at sunway. i LOVE it. emotions wafted in the air, we became closer to each other. and the birthday boy was rendered speechless after e gave him his birthday present, a hard thing to do to a guy like him. oh yes, we had a good time. never know the exact words to emphasize on the moist tears in his eyes, our LOUD laughter, me playing basketball with my besties, seeing other friends skating across the ice, falling yet somehow graceful. pride filled my heart like a mom being proud that her children are out there, showing off to the whole world that they're good. (ok, i sound mummy-ish) haha!

then, i remembered we sat for SAT 2. oh my, i must say, i felt inferior again in those moments. i have given my efforts, yet my results sucked. truly sucked. i mean, if u're in a class full of brilliant people, u WILL feel inferior no matter how optimistic u try to think. hmm...then, there were friends, who supported me all the way. my dears called, listened and consoled me during the night i got my results. she made me laugh, he said it was just fine and they condemned the exam itself. my dimples clearly showed despite streaks of tears from my eyes. (^_^) thank u, my friends, for being there.

hmm..what else was i doing? yes, i had a two week hols. but due to a tweak of circumstances, we'll be having a one week hols too next week. yeeehhaaa!!! ok, so during this hols, i did quite a lot of stuff. MY MAIN PRIORITY; my uni apps. did my research on unis that might LIKELY to accept me. (^_^) then, i became this responsible big sister, fetching my bro n sisters from school, seding them off to tuitions and go to the grocers to get kitchen stuff. fuh...i truly understood what my parents undergo all this while through those chores. made me appreciate them more.

another event: submit my ED to brown. life is full of gambling, so, i gambled anyway. in nicer terms, it's called tawakal. talked to one of my seniors, she adviced me to just go for it. do what u think best. and my teachers were surprisingly really helpful. hehe, thank you soo much for everything. and hey presto, next week, brown will call me for a phone interview. alhamdulillah, i feel good for the time being, not entirely lifting my hopes up yet not crushing them to dust either.

today, i sat for my SAT 1. another important test. was not entirely prepared but i felt good and satisfied after finishing the exam just now. my essay was ok, i understood the text in CR, i remembered my vocabs, my maths was just fine and i could identify a wrong grammar structure. so far, things look ok. so now, praying the best for my results.

fuh...there goes the SUMMARY of the events due to my ephemeral disappearance. mind u, this is only a summary. hehehe...i had other stuff to tell but when i realized that i'm too tired to read my own story, i guess i'll pen off now. i mean, keyboard off now.

hehehe. (^_^) life's good.

am i stupid?

this morning, i received my qa test marks. not good. average. maths has always been my doable yet not-so-liked subject. i gotta accept it nway because i didn't study. then, when i just started to feel inferior, because there was this some GENIUS guy starting to compare his marks with others, my best fren, well, he was sad with his marks too. i sent him a message, saying, YOU ARE NOT STUPID. n nagged him, telling him, YOU ARE GOOD IN MATHS. just because your marks was not high, doesn't make you a stupid guy. thinking back, i felt the stifling inferior feelings too. there are days wasted because i whined, feeling myself way below than others.

i must say, 11 years in the education system here in my country, i realise that we've all been brought up to an unwritten standard of intelligence. those who score high in the exams, are the SMART ones. those who are weak, or don't seem to reach just the right standard of the high marks, are the NOT-SO-SMART ones. a.k.a STUPID. ok, some might dispute over this but it's got some small teeny tiny truth in it.

i talked about this to JL. since i am surrounded with geniuses (my beloved classmates), seriously, sometimes, i feel like why was i even there with them. you gotta admit that having your friends with good scores in their exams while me receiving either an average or a very weak one, feeling inferior is inevitable. so, based on my discussion with JL, there was something he said that caught my attention.

d: am i stupid?
JL: NO! (immediate answer) why u say that?
d: u guys are soo smart weyh.
JL: hey, stupid is a very subjective word. you cannot really measure it. just because your exam score is low, does not make you stupid. if your exam marks are high, also does not make you totally intelligent. get what i mean?
d: well, u see, in our education system, everyone yg x score is considered weak. what if they are good in other stuff? not just academic?
JL: that happens if you only measure intelligence or stupidity only in academic. well, if u have other skills, like in music or something, you are still smart what.
d: in m'sia, why people are so hard to accept that not evryone can cope up with d unwritten rule of intelligence. if u see western people, ANY SORT OF INTELLIGENCE, not just in academic, they value it. they take it as part of the person.
JL: agree la.
d: so, if u say stupidity is subjective, intelligence also the same?
JL: of course. i didn't say that intelligence is not subjective.
d: owh, ok then.

(d dialogue written involved a lot of other stuff n also not entirely the real conversation we had but i didn't type them bcoz most of them are missing from my memory box)

so, after dat conversation, i guess, well, JUST BE WHO YOU ARE. not saying that if u r stupid, don't do something on it. what i'm thinking is, DO NOT EVEN THINK U R STUPID. true, u may not have d intelligence like others. because why? because, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN intelligence. god has blissfully bestowed upon us our BRAINS. utilize THEM. aim for your satisfactions. set your own standard. BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN STRENGTH, WORK OUT YOUR OWN WEAKNESS. nothing's wrong with that.