between the doorway

it's true. my professor told me that, when you leave your country to study overseas, you're actually in the doorway between your country and the country you go to get education.

how? why must it be doorway? why not just i immerse myself into the walls of London and still attach myself to the smell of green forests early in the morning in front of my house in Malaysia? it's possible. but we can never get enough of just one world. sometimes, it's the best of both worlds.

i didn't believe this when my writing prof told me this. i thought i was adjusting well in London; a place that i've come to adore despite its unpredictable weather and the sharp immaculate British accent as I hear snippets of conversations on the streets. i thought everything was the same; what with the UK road system also used in Malaysia and how everything is on the right instead of the left like in the US (I will need to deal with the left-ness of US next year once I reach into the concrete jungle of NYC) i felt the same despite the everlasting layers of clothes i need to wear just to step out of my flat. i thought i was the same, the same old girl with tempers to deal with, parents who just can't really acknowledge that I'm already an adult living my own world out there, my annoying siblings that i miss dearly and a boyfriend to look forward when i go home, loving the way Indian food in London tried its best to mimic the wonder of spices used in Malaysia. ah! the list goes on and on. i can keep drone on if only you can bear with me.

no. it IS different. the proof? i'm here. now. in Malaysia. missing London that I hate so much because of the weather (I love the city though). Irrefutably, I love wearing simple attires with no eccentricities of matching my grey scarf with my pink coat, choosing which boots to wear to avoid slipping on the challenging icy path on the way to class. i can wear sandals, slippers. heck, i can wear shorts when i'm at home. :) why the clothings seem so significant? they're just clothes. hell no they're not. :) in London, i tend to reserve myself (something that my friends in malaysia will ridicule if they see this and my friends in London understand completely). in KL, i am back to my boisterous nature, loud, sunny, happy. funny how the clothes i wear can just affect my openness. luckily i do not need to cover up my head with layers of head scarves or else, i would never have the chance to think about this. haha...:)

not just personality that has changed. my senses are more alert. i become aware of the tiny details that i've always neglected on the roads as i drive my dearest car, ignorant of the glinting roofs of the house near the roundabout or the rusting yellow bus parked in front of my sisters' school. food? food was extremely delicious. i used to hate chilli, now i asked for more (although still at a very low rate compared to my sisters who love anything overly spicy), realizing that my tongue has tasted bland food for quite a while. not that the Brits do not have delicious food, it's just that, I grew up with the aroma of spice and the sharpness of taste as my body endeavoured the ecstasy of Malaysian food. :)

senses. personality. sounds pretty cliche. sounds like you're heard it from your mother who went overseas or your friend who experienced the same thing. yes, you've heard about how people changed. maybe that's why travelling broadens your knowledge. not only in the geographical, historical senses. but the way your soul change. your senses. your personality. you. change.

now, i think my neighbour is cooking nasi lemak. hmm...

oh. Mum called. time to gulp down her world class fried rice.

cutenya!

i've heard of people thinking that women wearing the hijab are either bald or have bad hair. haha...i didn't believe it at first.

until three people confessed to me that they thought i'm bald. =.="

i don't feel insulted tho. haha. i find it cute somehow. i love seeing their faces the first time i let this hair of mine get exposed in front of the girls. :) bila nmpk my hair, they'll gush...n say wow..nurul..we've never seen your hair.

my reply? 'did u think i hv no hair?' *they'll blush n nod* hehe. :)

when i first came here, my flatmates were pretty cool about seeing my hair. so i thought, no one can think i'm bald ryte? but they have a different case pulak. i took out my telekung n sejadah...they admitted that's the first time they see muslim praying up close. :) at first, they were pretty afraid and curious of what i recite in my prayers and they were like reallyyyyyyyy worried on why i had to pray so many times. :) haha...after a lot of explanations and girl talk about period and stuff....they understand that i'm not that different pun. :) just kene solat. n pakai tudung n jaga diri elok2. :) as in no drinking n drugs. :)

sometimes when they're drunk, they'll say, nurul how we wish you can go out partying with us n drink some beer or play tequila game or something...wear nail polish, get high and show my hair. n wear make up everyday...:) hehehe...well, girls...i'm happy as who i am ryte now. i may not have a night life here, but in Malaysia, i can get pretty wild. >:) remembering the midnight trips to kedai mamak, wayang and all...my idea of having fun is just different. :) but i accept the way you girls are. just like you accept me. :)

truthfully, it gets lonely sometimes. they even think i'm sweet n innocent (kalau laaaa kawan2 msia tau ni..mau kene gelak...) but x kisah. masing2 ada pegangan masing2, n i love how they respect me n xde pulak nk prejudice ke apa ke. :) Thank God. :)

London: Arsenal & Chelsea

Went to the Emirates Stadium and Stamford Bridge yesterday. With my buddy, Akmal.

Frankly, Emirates impressed me more..duh~~ they just built a new stadium..of course la lawa..hehhehe....we didn't get to go inside coz we didn't book the stadium tour thingy. but serius awesome. i mean, it's nothing really, cause i felt like i was in some kind of a daze or something when i saw the place. Grand might not be able to actually describe the place, but the aura..fuhh...Gunners ganas woo. :)

as for chelsea, kinda disappointed me. HAHA. i mean, they have cool posters on the walls around the stadium, but......their stadium looked more like an office rather than for a place where people shout and yell supporting the Blues. imagine the blues i felt when i saw..how...well...how normal..Stamford Bridge is. HAHA. :)

of course, other than thousands of pics...(180 je kot), we went shopping. chelsea has two storeyed store. arsenal? TWO different stores at one stadium. =.="

Akmal went crazy as if he had seen the 'Light' when he saw the Arsenal logo. first time i ever saw a guy overwhelmed with emotions when seeing a LOGO. a freaking football logo. chill, man. i love football too. but i don't worship it. HAHA. :)

the weather was of course..cold. nothing new about that.

but the warmth we both shared when going to these two stadiums we only heard in news before....was good enough to make us forget the biting wind.

:)

Viva Chelsea. Gunners? Rock on. both of you color the football world.

next up, Anfield and Old Trafford. :) oh yeah..White Hart Lane anyone? :)

essays

just got my essay for my social book review today. the grade? let's just say, it's not my best. and i could have done better. even for my cultural class, my essay was disappointing. but it's ok. i can do this. maybe i'm still adjusting to the new environment where every subject is not scientifically objective and has many twists and turns to approach.

i need to write like everything in essay form. for social, for cultural, for WRITING (naturally) class and my fave econs too.

coming here, i realized that my English actually became worse. i'm pretty freaked out when they, especially the professors, keep on saying that, it's ok ,we understand that you don't come from an English speaking country or English is your second language or third language. somehow, i just don't get it. are we (or am i ) really that stupid that my grammar is disastrous or my word choices are just too complex for non-English people like us? they said that, ah yess....u r indeed intelligent but we might need to send you to an English intensive program. Now, I do NOT mind at all going there to ask for the professor to read my essays and i must say, i was pretty impressive. i get the benefit that other so-called English speaking kids don't. i get extra attention and that advantage is totally for my gain. :) hehehehe....

thinking back, am i intimidated by my international friends who speak English better despite coming from China, Korea and so on? or is it maybe because they had their American education style ever since they live in the US? or is it just me again, being insecure of myself.

blaaaa..blaaa..blaaaa.....get it out of your head, girl. think of your strength. and conquer your weaknesses. (better stop before i ramble on)

Culture shock or just different culture?

Well, if you guys heard or seen in the media that LONDON is awesome, think again.

If you've ever heard that the British people are reserved, believe me...they're TOO reserved to the point of being COLD. maybe it's their dark gloomy weather that has shaped this sort of 'reserved' culture'. if so, London will most probably only be warm and friendly during the summer. during the winter? i might have problems during that time...=.="

proof that they're 'reserved':

1. when you smile, they look at you as if you're a psychotic person, got loose on the streets from an asylum. (ok, maybe i'm exaggerating but still, they have 'that' look)

2. when you smile, or nod your head, they either look away, or just stare at you blankly.

3. when you walk, you say sorry, they only grunt and just keep on moving.

4. when you look at their babies, or children, and the infants and kids smile and laugh at your funny faces, they immediately remove the infant from your sight.

5. when you say hello, they might answer briefly, perhaps coldly, hi. IF you're lucky.

6. their customer's rights are kept well. and their treatment in the stores are just lovely. but once they close, eventhough you're a regular customer in their store, they MIGHT not even know you.

7. when you do kindness, they look at you as if you're a God or some kind of a prophet.

8. my friend once saw this scene in a super market, this boy was short of fifteen pence fromthe things that he bought, a seven year old kid, on the verge of tears, saying, "i'm sorry, i thought i had enough!" and the cashier went like, well, you gotta put one thing back in order to pay for all the stuff. =.=" how cold is that? and there was all these people, some wearing Prada shoes and super branded coats, were NOT even helping this kid out, with FIFTEEN PENCE. at last, my friend, (we're all broke college student), gave this boy fifteen pence and he looked at her like she's some kind of a Goddess. :) some people are just heartless. :)

9. in the tube, you either shut up and don't stare at people's faces or plug in your earphone, and engross yourself with your nails or something. as long as you don't look, or speak to anyone in the tube. =.="

10. when you see all this thing, and experience them, you miss the warmth at home. i mean, both literally and contextually. even i can turn into a 'reserved' person if this persists.

Anyway, these are just my negative views. Not EVERYONE in UK is like that. maybe it's just the city like any other cities. even back in my country, we have this sort of problem. But STILL.....

maybe it's just me being homesick and starting to find faults in the place i'm living ryte now. hahaha...(^_^) *cheers*

Changed; yet remain the same.

For the sun rays peeping behind the towers,

for the rain that falls on the cobbled streets,

for the hopes and dreams vibrant around me,

for the anxiety and fear building on the walls,

I know I shall make it through it all,

changed; yet remain the same.

Love

Learnt about love in class today. from the Epic of Gilgamesh.

basically, in my interpretation, it's about homosexual love between Gilgamesh n Enkidu (i'll leave u two to read about these two). but it's not the point. read below.

it's pretty wonderful when my professor came up with this question, "has anyone of you ever fallen in love??". NOBODY raised their hands including me. maybe it's just an embarassing moment when people just won't admit that they're vulnerable and their hearts are at someone's mercy.

we discussed about how love can change people, in this epic's context, to be better. and indeed, i must agree that love DOES open up my VULNERABILITY, i need my loved ones all the time and it will hurt me badly if anything happen to anyone that i care about. but vulnerability here is not a negative meaning. it shows that you're humane, and you have emotions. i used to be cynical, to be so anti-men, believing that they are horrible creatures that God created to oppress women. (i know in Islam we're equal and all, still, i gotta admit, n Yusuf knows about how feminist i can be), my views are somehow contaminated with bad relationships, divorces, guys being jerks, in short, TRUST and LOVE are for those who are lucky enough to have them.

what i understood was, love, is a God's gift. true, it can hurt you, it can cause you to be irrational and it can give the ultimate happiness or devastation in your life. this is vulnerable. this is being human. these are our emotions.

so, if we deny LOVE, we're denying our very own existence and nature. don't deny that you've fallen in love. or fallen OUT of love. or faced rejection. or simply accepted but then it didn't turn out like waht u expected. don't worry if you're hurt once or twice or in my case, thrice, but despite my cynical ways, my faith helped me open up to someone who doesn't believe and trust people before either.

i dunno why m sharing this thing with u, nabilah and Iqbal (can't really talk about love to my sisters coz they're still in school..=.="). maybe i just wanted to say, i'm glad i know how to love. with all my heart (shared with the love of God, parents, siblings, relatives, friends).

muahx! :)