The Thinker

I sit down. My mind opened, I think hard. I learn, then, I understand.

Pic: NHH, Columbia University, Manhattan, New York.

Everyday, you learn about yourself.

I once lost my passport, my identity robbed;

only to find a bit of who I am, different, enhanced by wisdom, later on.

Pic: NHH, Ground Zero, Manhattan, New York.

2012...

it's been a while.

oh boy. and i forgot how to write.

maybe this is it for now. while I unwind the tangle in my head.

welcome back, Nurul.

it was you.

You broke somebody's heart. You said you couldn't love her. you said you couldn't stay. There was nothing else she could do. You were so unfair to leave her, when all she did was fighting for you.

All about emotions

I feel happy knowing that the reason of a person's smile is me.

I can drown in despair knowing that I've caused other people pain.

I feel cheerful in believing that my smile can make a stranger's day.

I feel lonely in knowing someone so close to me can betray my trust.

I feel nervous every time I'm taking a huge step in my life.

I feel angry when people take advantage of my kindness and manipulate my naivety.

I've never felt this lively. Because I get to live and breathe every emotions that come my way.

come on, Nurul

I've had enough.

Enough with the silly pain. Enough with the constant whining.

Stop, Nurul. Stop.

Gather your thoughts, breathe in, breathe out. You can do this.

You can start a new chapter of your life.

Yes, you can.

A few difficult soul searching questions

So, I've had a few people asking me these questions on various occasions. Most of them are from the recent USApps workshop that I've joined. :) and some of them are just from what I recalled from my memories after meeting people. :)

1. Do you wear your head scarf when you study overseas?

Good question. maybe it indicates that I've changed and my behaviour masih belum sempurna for someone yg pakai tudung. But I took no offense to it. actually, I've had a lot of people asking me this question. Something to remind me that I should definitely jaga my perbuatan. haha...well, the answer is, yes. Despite me going overseas, I do wear my head scarf, I still wear long sleeves and I still take good care of my muslimah appearance albeit it not being perfect like an 'ustazah' outfit. My tudung is MY choice. and I JUST COULDN'T CARE if I get detained or faced any prejudice or Islamophobic behaviour or whatsoever. yeah, it is difficult. but to have faith in something you believe in is always a very challenging path in life. So, in this case, I am proud to wear my tudung, I don't let myself be to westernized because I am proud of my roots and religion. :) tudung is a part of me. and if i take it off, i won't be me anymore. :)

2. What do you want to do with your life?

some people have a direct answer to this. but i don't. :) i really dunno what to do with my life except live it. technically, alhamdulillah, I already have a stable planned out future in which I will have to work for my sponsors etc. But in actuality, I just want to learn more photography, be a motivator in any way, volunteer a lot, TRAVEL, and just find myself. haha...i guess i already answered the question then. :)

3. Why is this and that happen in Islam? what do you do about it? why can't this and that? (generally questions about Islam from my non-Muslim friends)

Let me clarify first. after a year spent studying religion, I've found that every religion has its own ideal views and ways of living life. and personally, despite whatever the cynics have to say, I think that every religion has its own uniqueness. and no one is better than the other because almost every religion or beliefs wants the best for its followers. my professor once mentioned in class, after watching this video about the Muslims conquering certain places in Spain, as long as we believe in God, or any sort of higher unknown entity out there, we all actually share the same spiritual faith. just the NAME and the IMAGE of the faith that we follow are different. after all, if God really wants us to be the same, why did He create us in such massive diverse community all around the world? there are many ways to reach for him regardless of which religion you choose, as long as you believe in Him. if it so happens that some of the followers are imperfect, in which i have to admit that almost everyone is imperfect because we're humans with flaws, then, do not blame the values in the religion. blame those who interpret it in a wrong way.

4. is it hard to be a Malay studying overseas?

hmm...VERY INTERESTING question in which this is the first time I've encountered this kind of enquiry. haha..:) personally, I believe that race has nothing to do with the difficulties faced in your life, though it might not be valid since we are who we are. the skin colour, the culture that we grow up in. maybe the question has to be interpreted based on the generic view. malays. oh bangsaku. I've met a lot of my fellow people ranging from the extremely conservative Malay to the ones who are super liberal. to say that it's difficult to be a Malay to study overseas really depends on what kind of personality you have. It's not the matter of you befriending only the ones who share the same skin colour like you. It's not the matter of forgetting your roots if you tend to befriend other races. For me, it's not difficult because it was me who wanted to break away from the stereotypical environment in which Malay only friends with malay and many other flaws that my race may have. I just want to embrace that I am who I am and I will treat others as equally as I can. I want to open up my mind, look beyond the superficial part of differences between us humans and just stay true to myself after understanding the many parts of the human differences. it doesn't matter what race you are, it's how you portray yourself and staying true to your roots at the same time opening up to the differences between us all. Life's colorful, people. :) Be brave to venture out of your comfort zone. :)

My answers may have caused certain discomfort or hopefully have touched you readers with some of my insights (if they are insightful la) :)

Looking forward to a lot more intriguing questions out there from the many people that I will want to meet in the future! :D

Thankful.

He gave me some of the most awesome time in my life. and I'm thankful enough for those good times we shared together.

now we are on our separate ways and i will always pray the best for him because no matter what I do, he used to be a part of me. :) and I can never damage my soul just for the sake of bad times.

if it's anything that I've learnt, I learn how to be loving and forgiving.

biar je apa org buat kat kita. yg penting, sabar. :)

weird.

Love works in funny ways, sometimes. I mean, you know it's love but the actions are just too paradoxical.

1. A father's love: is when he treats you coldly for coming home late at night.

2. a mother's love: is when she no longer wants to speak to you when it's just too much for her to even go berserk.

3. a best friend's love: is when he or she lashes out everything at you, making you feel like you're nothing.

or maybe it's just me. :D haha...

some people just hate that they love you too much. :D

I am worth it.

"I want to scream out my anguish. I want to throw daggers to those who hurt me. I want to kick those who stepped on my foot, making me stumble. I want to cry until the sea runs dry."

"Oh no. You are stronger than the waves of fury raging inside you. You may cry but you will pick up the sword of calmness. You are brave to confront the world because you are your world. You worth more than the price of fury."

Please do not...

Do not find me when you're lost. Do not find me when you feel lonely. Do not pretend like you care about me.

"Why?" you asked. Because you keep on closing up on me. Because I was never a part of you.

Red is me.

When you rip me apart, I shall sustain. For passion is as red as blood that runs in my veins. bring me down, cripple me, stab my strength with doubt. But this strong soul shall never be harmed.

Staying while leaving.

You asked me to leave. And I left. Wishing to haunt your thoughts, to linger in the spirals of your dreams.

BERSIH, 9 july 2011.

today, I experienced the BERSIH effect.

the roadblock at Tol KL-Karak. a 4 lane highway became one small jalan kampung. the police working. the worrying pictures of the crowd protesting.

today, I've seen a lot of facebook statuses, describing people's opinions about BERSIH and any other political agendas that happened during the protest.

today, I've been called 'bangang' by one of my 'friends' just because i complained about the roadblocks, as if I'm bashing at the police.

today, I've seen Malaysia as not Malaysia yet still Malaysia anymore. Malays vs non-Malays ( somehow, it turned to be a racial issue jugak). Leaders against leaders. People voicing out various issues. People united yet people fighting one another.

today, I feel worried about my country's future because of the prominent corrupted system we have. I feel patriotic as well. It's a mixed feeling.

today, I felt like a stranger at my home country. yet as stranger as I am, I <3 malaysia. tanah tumpahnya darahku.

Bersih ke Kotor ni?

I do not understand Malaysian politics at all. Partly because I'm just sick of all the dramas and scandals when there are wayyy more important things to be thought about and partly because of my ignorance not to read the politics sections in the newspaper. So many propaganda, sakit kepala oi!

I know that soon, it will be my turn to vote for one of these many2 parties in Malaysia. but, pardon my lack of knowledge in this field, I don't think I have any idea on who or which party to vote for.....(will i ever get sued or ditangkap for this statement? hahaha...let's see.)

Recently, I've asked my parents about this whole politics thingy. What's actually going on with the voting system sampai the BERSIH people wanting something from the SPR and then suddenly protest/rally seems like a BAD decision etc etc....Don't get me wrong. I've lived in a city where the people have rallies almost every weekend in front of the parliament like they're some kind of festivals or something. London has shown me that people can voice out what they want, and yet still ends up peacefully (except yg pasal Student Riot tu la). but mostly, there were peaceful demonstration, not some kind of Libyan or Egyptian riot. Isn't that democracy? or is it when you voice out, the government needs to hush you down so that you will not disturb public peacefulness? or is it just a sign that the government fears of losing power when the people actually begin to question some of their policies and raise awareness of the governments' flaws?

let me give you a few examples of how the Malaysian voting system works (based on the voters' behaviour in my family).

here's how my grandma sees it: ** (this one party) tu mmg banyak menyumbang kepado nogagho kito ni ha. den pikir cucu2 den yo. den nk yg terbaik utk maso dopan anak cucu den.

my parents: susah la nk dapat projek or anything if people vote for the other side. they will always know.

my generation (me): Malaysian politics is confusing and my generation is trying to do something but we all got hushed down.

so, when it comes to voting, and people actually wanting to make a change, we are deterred from changing? people just want some kind of transparency in the system, bukan nak mengancam negara. If you take the bad examples, memang la demonstration or rally can be very negative when it turns to a riot. but how can a riot happen? easy answer. the people is fed up with the government and there's no other way to make the govt listen other than creating chaos. so, really, do you want people to be fed up with the government? we demand lightly, tak dengar. we demand peacefully, jadi big issue. we demand teruk2 kang baru tau.

tasting the milk before buying the cow.

My best friend and I had a huge fight last night..(by huge I mean, we just stop commenting on each other's wall on Facebook..haha..)

here's the thing. She's worried about not having a boyfriend yet. I mean, she's 20, and she feels like she's the only one who's left behind with no so-called taste of relationship. Don't get me wrong, she already fell in love, wayyyyy before I did, in fact, to a guy at school. But they never made it official or anything of that sort when it comes to couples. To summarize their 'friendship', it's about both of them loving each other but nobody said anything about their feelings. And then, one day, their special-but-we're-not-a-couple relationship ended. And until today, I will never understand why and how it happened.

Anyway, back to the topic. She's worried. I must say, in my society, somehow, there's still this mentality that by our 20s, women should already have someone in their lives a.k.a boyfriends, r even better, long term partners. Please do not take this mentality wrongly, it's just that, some of my parents' generation still emphasize on the importance of marriage and having one own's family. It's considered one of life's success. and parents with daughters especially, are super aware of their little girls' future stability.

But with modernity quickly setting into the younger generation, this emphasis still holds, but in one condition, you gotta have a taste of relationship before any sort of marriage. Ok, i might sound generalizing, but mostly, yeah. I don't remember who the guy is, but I read his quote in the Evening Standard (that's the free newspaper you get in London every evening), he said, people nowadays want to try the milk first before taking the cow. :) Take it any way you want, but I agree this notion to a certain extent. Arranged marriage can be seen as super old-fashioned (despite the proven success of long lasting relationship from what I observed in my family, i.e, my grandparents) and everyone feels there's other much more priorities in life like success in career and financial matters. Relationships may not even be a central element in a workaholic's life, generally speaking. When you have one, you already put a high expectation of how a relationship should be (thanks to the influence of media too on how love should be). That's why you keep on tasting and trying to find the perfect milk despite the cow has already been good enough for you. (my analogy can be very confusing, pardon me for that.)

I've tried to explain to my best friend about how it is common to feel a little bit worried. I mean, isn't it an innate feeling that we want to have another half or soulmate, call it whatever you want, in our lives? The romantic part of me wants someone that will smile and kiss me every morning as soon as he opens his eyes and see me lying next to him, simply hugs me on my bad days and raise our children as best as we both can (I can't help being a dreamy romantic person...)It's just our nature to feel loved. and for me, my best friend is just feeling insecure. She said she feels jealous of all our other friends have already found their other halves. But, honey, how sure can you be? Life is unpredictable.

I feel insecure too. After being dumped by someone who I didn't even think that I would fall in love with in the first place (he's my first, and boy, was he a very difficult character), I don't know how I feel towards relationships anymore. I mean, I feel happy and jealous seeing my best friends' happy relationships, thinking how I am a failure sometimes. I felt traumatic but because I am so into having my own family in the future, there's this small glimmer of hope shining from the broken pieces of my heart. :) And what's with certain people bragging about their girlfriends or boyfriends? I mean, I understand you're happy, you're in love etc, but to some extent, frankly, it can make single people like me feel like a loser. haha...(I sound bitchy...hmm..haha)

So, my dear best friend, and whoever feels this way, please don't worry. despite the worrying statistics of how men are less than women nowadays (a sign that the world is going to end soon according to Islam), think positively. Have faith. I mean, in Islam, we truly believe that Allah determines our 'jodoh'. I can never guarantee whether you will find your soulmate or your relationship can last forever or anything good or bad happens to you...Life's unpredictable. But life also gives you hope. Just put your best foot forward, be very good to yourself and face everyday with a sincere smile formed on your lips.

because, girl, you might never know when a guy will get electrocuted by that dazzling smile of yours. :) let the one have the most pleasant surprise in his life by having you.

The first-time sentimental impact

"This is it." were the first three words I whispered to myself as the plane descended to the city below. The sun was being friendly despite the fact that summer was almost over. Everyone was murmuring to the wonderful weather. The first impression that I had for dark sombre English weather, shattered. Geez...movies really have that kind of influence on me.

The first picture? The Emirates airplane that brought me to this city. I received quite a few awkward glances from people getting off the plane, but who cares? All I could think of was the fact that I made it. I got out of my country. Alone. :) Not that I don't love Malaysia, it's just that all my life, my dream was to go overseas. and there I was, getting off the plane and thanking God for giving me the chance to come here.

London.

Oh London.

Where should I start?

London so quiet at 3am even at the central zone? The red buses? The stinking smell of pee on the pavements and underground platforms?? How I memorized the tube stations and different colors of tube lines? Starbucks coffee almost every inch in London? Or the crowd when Primarks just opened in the morning? Or maybe how fast the drivers drive despite the narrow streets and braking right on time when a pedestrian crosses the road? and how everyone snickers in the tube when the instructor makes funny jokes about the rush hour crowd? and how you can't separate between a gay guy and straight one just because British guys dress so properly in general? or maybe the dodgy outlook of the buildings/theaters but once you're inside, your breath is taken away by the grandeur of the elaborate patterns on the ceiling?

I can't believe I just ended my freshman year. I've faced so much in this city. I learnt to force myself out from my comfort zone although virtually, I still stick with my old friends. I've walde don the cobbled streets, seen totally different sides of the city when I'm standing near the Westminster Area and the Bank area. I've been to the Greenwich Observatory where TIME matters. :) I've faced both prejudice and kindness because of my hijab: once was at Westminster Abbey when this caucasian guy gave me the middle finger and the other was a Jewish guy helping me out with something. I've learnt that in college, getting an A needs a different kind of effort. I've learnt that i have awkward English. haha...but they still love my American accent. and how I can speak perfectly well in the British accent? :D uh-oh. I'm starting to brag.

and I've travelled as much as I could because it's so easy to start when you're in London. around the UK, Ireland, Spain, France, Italy and soon I will head to Germany, Austria, Czech Republic, Switzerland and Poland. I will definitely come back to finish my travel around Europe. hmm...

I will miss this city. When I come back, I will no longer be a Londoner, merely just a visitor. There's so much difference when you're being a visitor and actually living here. I'll be jealous of my best friend, Nabilah, who will spend the next three years of her life in this wonderful city. I might be biased because I really like London. Plus, this is my first time out of the country, so yeah. Maybe the first time effect really had its impact on me.

London. You will be loved, missed and remembered; truly, madly, deeply.

You are strong. Hell yes, you are.

This time, it's a post for all the strong people out there. if you ain't tough enough to read this, then don't.

People,

Life can be really hard sometimes. But at the very same time, life is truly awesome.

Life depends on how you live it. :) So, live life happily.

If you feel like crying, or just breaking down, so be it. We're humans. Not robots. Cry all you want, because each and everyone of us has a mourning period. It doesn't matter why, but if you feel down, be it failure in academics, failure in relationships, failure in family issues, let it out... drain the misery out of your system. and make it as quick as you can. Because you don't wanna lose out anything much more awesome than crying and mourning, people! :)

Smile. Even if you don't feel like it. Because when you smile, the people who smile back at you can really make you smile for real. Been there, done that, peeps. trust me. :)

Life can be bitchy. Seriously. :) But that doesn't mean you have to be bitchy back. The best revenge? Live the dreams that you have, Fight for them, fulfill them and Never bow down to life's bitchiness.

It's a good thing that Pandora closed the box just in time. so that we all have Hope, my dears.

You can do this. You are strong, independent and smart. Hell yes, you are. And how do I know this? because I'm trying to get back up as well. Just felt like sharing this fighting spirit with those who think that they've lost it.

We can do it. :) Chins up, people.

Fun facts about Italy.

Italy. sounds like an awesome country to visit eh? haha...unless you're ready to let me shatter your imagination on such a wonderful country, then don't read this post. :D hehehe...:) but if you're really into getting to know Italy, then read on. :)

before i proceed, i want you to know that there were only 4 cities that i went (NO VENICE and MILAN, PEOPLE...i know..i know...it's like the must-visit cities...) which were Pisa, Florence, Siena and Rome. :) It was a 6 day trip for the Three musketeers. :) (if you see the photos in my FB account, then you'll know why)

ok. here goes.

1. Pisa is all about the Leaning Tower. seriously. it's a small city and that's the main and only attraction. But, you can rent a bicycle or rickshaw for 5 euros, 40 minutes ride around the city. It's a bit of exercise and saves a lot of time if you're just there for one day. :)

2. Florence. yes, you know that Florence is the city which the Renaissance began. But, I found it a little bit disappointing because in my mind (after studying a lengthy period of class just on renaissance) i had always imagined the grandeur of everything. Dude, it's THE RENAISSANCE we're talking about. but in the end, my disillusionment was broken. Yes. The city's beautiful. but it wasn't maintained well enough to glorify its renaissance heritage. the Duomo (a huge Cathedral really..) is obviously old and grand, but yeah. that's pretty much it because the buildings surrounding the Duomo are not that pretty. HOWEVER, if you wanna shop, people, don't shop in Rome or anywhere else. the good leather stuff and low price souvenirs are mostly in Florence. :)

3. Siena? A local town. really small but grand on its own. It seems a little bit calmer because not many tourists stop in this city and that's why I love it. it's like mingling in a local place where we get to see an actual Italian culture and not some tourism facade. :) So, if you want a quick runaway from all the touristy cities, siena is a must go place. :)

4. Unless you really like old ancient ruins of buildings and remnants of a 2000 year old city and have a general idea of how awesome Ancient Roman was, then Rome is the place for you to go. true, it's the capital city of Italy but it's soooooo touristy in front of the Furro Romano (Fort Romano) or even the Colosseum that you just get annoyed with all the people trying to relive the Ancient Roman's grandeur in plastic costumes of Trojans and soldiers...Plus, it's pretty much expensive to get into the Colosseum (10 euros) and a few other places. One advice, go in if you really are enthusiastic to see the buildings, if not, keep your money and spend it on gellato instead. :)

5. Most European maps may seem big on paper but actually the places are pretty much in walking distance. Like the time when we went to the Vatican City, we had to take a tube (wait..tube is for the Brits...Italian call theirs metro...) because we didn't wanna lose our reserved tickets to get into the Vatican museum. other than that, don't use money on public transportation over there. have a walk around. it feels much more refreshing that way (though at the end of the day you'll sleep like a log.)

6. You don't have to worry about time in rome because almost every inch of the city, there will be a clock stand showing you the time. :)

7. The Italians drive on the right hand side like the Americans. but trust me, their driving style? just like malaysians, baby! :)

8. For photography freaks like me, Italy's like a heaven with all its vintage classical grandeur of the past. Vespas on the road, graffiti on the walls and the oldness of everything can make one feel like opening a gallery just to display monochrome pictures. :)

9. FOOD. basically, it's just pizza and panini. but one thing you must know is that Nutella Crepes is the most heavenly food ever and Gellato (a type of European ice cream...like seriously dense and intense ice creamm..haha...)is plain awesome in many flavors!!!! HAHA...

10. if you have a tiny bladder like me, it's kinda hard to find public toilets in Italy. :( either you have to pay 50 cents to get in or you have to queue a long line near the Colosseum, toilets are pretty hard to find. really. and it really annoyed my two other friends because i kinda needed to use the toilet quite a few times. :D hahaha...

11. don't allow yourself to be deceived by the fountain in the When in Rome movie (the actor's Josh Duhamel and the girl from I Love Beth Cooper). it doesn't exist. we tried to find it, just for the fun of being on a movie setting. but when we asked the tourist info counter, we just got weird looks. :D this is how Hollywood succeeds in making us believe the existence of such fountain. =.="

12. Unlike Paris, where romance is sooooo overrated at the Eiffel Tower (i've been there..paris was a disappointment...it's just a city with really good photoshopped pictures..), romance in Rome is awesome!! just go to one of the plazas (a square full of fountains and people hanging around) and there will be really talented street artists. I met this guy called Claudio Spadi and he looked and sounded like Chad Kruger (Nickelback's vocalist). You can even request songs to be played, dance to the songs or just sit there and watch people. :)

So people, how's Italy? :)

was it real?

many convinced me that it wasn't real. but they're not the ones having the relationship. only i alone know how much i sincerely loved him. people may say i made the wrong choice. but it was one hell of a wrong choice because i can never get him out of my head. that means, I truly loved him.

people told me that nobody can love anyone just from sympathy. let me share with you. yes, i felt pity for him at first because I know we're too different from each other. Different family backgrounds, different pasts and for me, I had never had any commitments. Know how i changed pity into love? I fell in love when I saw him with his mother. and sisters. and the way he treated them. At that moment, i knew I had to give him the chance. I put my soul out there for him. and it happened. we really did fall in love.

but if i am sincere, why am i still hoping for his love when i know it will never come back? maybe because i'm still clinging to the past, when we both were madly in love and didn't realize how we both could change drastically as we grew further apart.

many got tired of me missing him. of me crying for him. of me to even mention his name. but what if that's the only option to stay strong and not go crazy about it? the tears that flow are not for him. but for myself. for my wounded heart. I thought i guarded my heart well enough. but no. I don't regret of loving him. because if i do regret, then it's not sincere.

right now, he's being a jerk. but as disillusioned as people tell me that i am, i know his other side. the side that he hates to be blamed when all he felt was he could not love me anymore. he was not ready. his idea of relationship was not about commitment. all he wanted was the fun part of chasing me. as bad as that sounds, can we really blame his feelings? Human feelings are fickle. we all know that. From pity, I fell in love. and for him, from love, it changed to pity. and he realized that pity is not good for any of us especially me who sincerely waited for him.

he was brave for trying to reach my heart. but he's just not that into me anymore. he's seen my worst and he couldn't accept me, so what's the point of our relationship? he grew tired of me. even if I fight till the end, and i really did, it won't change how he feels for me. i tried over and over again to save ourselves from all the heartache. but still it happened.

people told me it's not worth it anyway. people said i deserve someone better. people told me, he just doesn't realize how valuable i am. bla bla bla. all the break up cliches.

but people. listen to me. I loved him. and as stupid as it sounds, I still do. but I need time. I don't search for rebound boyfriends. I am sad. and let me be. grow tired of me? then you don't understand the pain yet.

i hate to sound so negative. but when i'm sad, my blog is the victim.