wait for what it's worth.

just wait for what it's worth.

for it shall come to you when you're ready to embrace it.

when you're brave enough to hug love.

when you've finally found what you've been looking for.

confession, rejection.

after being quiet for quite a while, here i am.

with a new-but-not-that-new issue.

last night, a dear friend called me, A. he was very concerned with my emo statuses in FB. but then, i just didn't want to tell. it's not that i don't trust him, but everytime he called, he's been a very good listener. not that i'm complaining. but he's just too nice.

and then, out of nowhere, i started to talk about how i feel towards another best friend of mine, B. how i'm jealous whenever he's with his GF. i know, he's just a best friend, but somehow, i fear the thought of losing him. surely i'm glad for him to be happy with his gf, but, in a very selfish way, what'll happen to me?? true, i'm not going to lose him. i really hope he'll still care about me, get frustrated of my tantrums then worked his wonders of calming me down. laugh at everything, even to a single word that we both share mutual understandings. make pranks. and just sit close to each other, knowing each other's scent too well. i know i'll miss all of that. seriously, i know it sounds strange, like i'm in love with my best friend, but i'm not. i just don't want to lose him. is that the same?? i love him because he's my best friend, not because of this lovey dovey couple love. right?

then, as i finished telling A about B, suddenly, A said something about being true to my feelings. i should always believe in who i love. he told me, the feeling's beautiful. but learning from my sad past experience, i lost faith in the beauty that love brings. yes, i care about my family, i care about my friends but i can never imagine myself having a relationship with someone. with anyone. all i can think of is my studies, my future career, my family and my friendships with others. not enough space for special commitment to anyone. yet. no.

that was when A confessed. he poured his heart out. he said all the nicest things any girls would want to hear. i thought i was dreaming, for never in my life, guys talk to me like that. when i hear all those words, it's like i'm in another dimension. he accepted me as who i am. he's willing to know me better. he'll wait. i didn't have the heart to say a direct No to him. i don't want to be like the guy who rejected me upfront. i asked for my friends' advices, for they know, i never had any special relationship with anyone my whole nineteen years of life. i'm not ready. when this thing suddenly leaped out of my friend's voice in the phone that night, i couldn't grasp anything. i asked him. i freaked out. i tried to make him stop. but who am i to stop his feelings?? is there any way for me to make him stop? just like how i can't stop my feelings to B or the guy who rejected me?? for me, GUYS are always FRIENDS. nothing more even if i have a crush on someone. egoistically, i will never admit that i fear pain and hurt if any sort of relationships of mine do not work out.

my friends said that i should give it a try. frankly, it WOULD be nice, if only i never had any painful experiences before. my heart's not ready. everything's super fast. i love being single. i'm free to flirt around and i don't have to be committed to anyone. i can mingle around without feeling guilty or betraying someone. i can go anywhere with anyone that i want. but then, the loneliness comes. my friends already have their own lives with their respective partners or whatsoever.

i don't want to be in love. yet.. i want to keep my love for my future husband, whoever that might be. i shall wait. i want to maintain my faith, that to fall in love doesn't mean i need to be in a relationship now. i'm sure one day, A will find his true love and B, well, my best wishes for my best friend as well.

and one day, when my heart's truly ready, i shall be brave to embrace love.

but, that day is not today. not yet anyway.

for fear still lingers in the depths of my heart.

the pain still aching from past experiences.

God, show me the way. shoe me the right thing to do even if it'll break my heart or his.

Fight the dragon.

He breathed the cold fire of fear,

sending shivers,

through the deceitful fiery red warmth.

he stunk of fear,

the stench unbearable at times.

his eyes dark with bottomless fury,

penetrating you with naked agony.

i reached out my hand,

warm of affection,

i let the fragrance of humility and contentment enter,

and i portray the empowering calmness.

he, who sensed my strong presence,

who had all the power to eat my strength,

or the claws that may scar my emotions for eternity,

bowed.

bowed to the shield of love and friendship,

leaving the black cavern behind him.

inferiority, insecurity and worry.

i've always wondered why do inferiority, insecurity and worry occur in our lives.

when i come to think of it, i've felt these three negative feelings quite a few times in my life, or rather, unfortunately, a lot lately. but, i've also found the positive sides of these feelings. :)

i know i'm good. in my academics, in my personality, in sports, in life. but why do i still compare my achievements with others? i know that 3.5, 3.6 or 3.7 is good because that's the only possible measurement i can use to calculate my efforts in studies. and although my marks may not be 4.00 flat, i've learnt to accept this subtle failure to my friends who achieved perfect pointers. not that i'm easily satisfied, it's just that i'm being realistic. i know that my efforts may not be as many as my other friends, so why should i complain when it's mostly my fault for being online 24/7 or not paying attention in class? just because you're not that good in one field makes you a complete idiot in other parts of life.

i've come to a tragic realization that i should've worked harder. but still, why do i feel inferior? is it because people judge intelligence by academic measurements? so does that make me stupid? or in a more polite way, potential student? in my country, most people do think that way,, regardless how they try to hide it. hell, in the world, academic achievements are like the gold tickets to success. that's almost true. and humans have come to a frantic obsession about it. however i've also found many inspiring stories about supposingly low educated people succeeding in their lives. like this guy only achieved until high school cert but turned out to be a millionaire 20 years later. does inferiority help him to succeed in such drastic yet sweet way? for me, inferiority is the wrong word. for me, humility is the correct and nicer word to use in such context. be humble not inferior. BELIEVE IN YOUR STRENGTH, AND CONQUER YOUR WEAKNESS. true, others may be more intelligent, but remember, God created EVERY SINGLE HUMAN to have brains. and also, EVERYONE IS SIMILARLY DIFFERENT. and it's our responsibility to nurture it with His knowledge. so, not that the next time you fail a test, or flunk in your exams, you are entirely stupid. maybe you need more efforts, or pay more attention in class. or you're just much more intelligent in something else. USE YOUR BRAIN TO IMPROVE YOURSELF. :) not make it worry about being inferior.

my personality? i always have my dearest friends to give constant vigilance and opinions. true, there will come to a point where these dearest people in your life will hurt or scratch wounds in your heart. they'll be too frank, too honest or just too complaining. and you'll be too annoyed to care anymore. rather than shrugging all those comments, do grab some points from their words to get to know yourself. remember, only SOME, not ALL. if he or she complains that you're too sensitive or just too emo, think again. don't justify your mistakes, learn from them. don't try to make them see why you were sooo touchy about a small matter. maybe, you should've been less serious when they're joking or maybe you should open up and share the bad feelings to lessen the burden. you understand their comments, you LEARN about yourself. and if YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT, well, at least, CONTROL it. that's where confidence is born. you are in full command of yourself, not to what others say. BUT, DON'T BE SELFISH AND VAIN. just because you think you're too good, you just don't care anymore. well, if that's so, don't expect people to care about your feelings in return. :) it'll make people hate you more. :) LISTEN AND LEARN WHEN OTHERS SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU BUT YOU DECIDE YOUR OWN FILTRATION FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT. after all, everybody hates everybody at some point. :)

worry? it's indisputable that we need to face stress in our lives. it helps us to stay focused on things that we want to do. like achieving our goals, or restlessly waiting for university offer letters to reach your mailbox or your exams or the unfinished projects due soon. it is also indisputable to NOT carry the burden ALL THE TIME. i may not be a good advisor regarding this thing for i sure tend to worry about many stuff every single day of my life. but, i'm too tired of frowning and thinking obsessively about something that i really appreciate the beauty of calmness. i have my optimistic friends, supportive parents, lovely sisters and cheerful carefree brother at my side when i start to crease my forehead. they'll ridicule me in a funny way that i laugh my stress away. look around you.stress is there to help you stay focused on your track not to make you slip sideways to its jeopardy. you do not want to look wrinkly and too serious because that makes you look older. :) stay childlike. practise prioritizing and dividing your works. HAVE A ME TIME in your daily routine. fight the sighs and use laughters. fight the drooping lips with smiles. :)

be humble, not inferior. be confident, not insecure. be headache-less, not worry about everything ALL the time. :)

so much for inferiority, insecurity and worry, huh? :)