The Thinker

I sit down. My mind opened, I think hard. I learn, then, I understand.

Pic: NHH, Columbia University, Manhattan, New York.

Everyday, you learn about yourself.

I once lost my passport, my identity robbed;

only to find a bit of who I am, different, enhanced by wisdom, later on.

Pic: NHH, Ground Zero, Manhattan, New York.

2012...

it's been a while.

oh boy. and i forgot how to write.

maybe this is it for now. while I unwind the tangle in my head.

welcome back, Nurul.

it was you.

You broke somebody's heart. You said you couldn't love her. you said you couldn't stay. There was nothing else she could do. You were so unfair to leave her, when all she did was fighting for you.

All about emotions

I feel happy knowing that the reason of a person's smile is me.

I can drown in despair knowing that I've caused other people pain.

I feel cheerful in believing that my smile can make a stranger's day.

I feel lonely in knowing someone so close to me can betray my trust.

I feel nervous every time I'm taking a huge step in my life.

I feel angry when people take advantage of my kindness and manipulate my naivety.

I've never felt this lively. Because I get to live and breathe every emotions that come my way.

come on, Nurul

I've had enough.

Enough with the silly pain. Enough with the constant whining.

Stop, Nurul. Stop.

Gather your thoughts, breathe in, breathe out. You can do this.

You can start a new chapter of your life.

Yes, you can.

A few difficult soul searching questions

So, I've had a few people asking me these questions on various occasions. Most of them are from the recent USApps workshop that I've joined. :) and some of them are just from what I recalled from my memories after meeting people. :)

1. Do you wear your head scarf when you study overseas?

Good question. maybe it indicates that I've changed and my behaviour masih belum sempurna for someone yg pakai tudung. But I took no offense to it. actually, I've had a lot of people asking me this question. Something to remind me that I should definitely jaga my perbuatan. haha...well, the answer is, yes. Despite me going overseas, I do wear my head scarf, I still wear long sleeves and I still take good care of my muslimah appearance albeit it not being perfect like an 'ustazah' outfit. My tudung is MY choice. and I JUST COULDN'T CARE if I get detained or faced any prejudice or Islamophobic behaviour or whatsoever. yeah, it is difficult. but to have faith in something you believe in is always a very challenging path in life. So, in this case, I am proud to wear my tudung, I don't let myself be to westernized because I am proud of my roots and religion. :) tudung is a part of me. and if i take it off, i won't be me anymore. :)

2. What do you want to do with your life?

some people have a direct answer to this. but i don't. :) i really dunno what to do with my life except live it. technically, alhamdulillah, I already have a stable planned out future in which I will have to work for my sponsors etc. But in actuality, I just want to learn more photography, be a motivator in any way, volunteer a lot, TRAVEL, and just find myself. haha...i guess i already answered the question then. :)

3. Why is this and that happen in Islam? what do you do about it? why can't this and that? (generally questions about Islam from my non-Muslim friends)

Let me clarify first. after a year spent studying religion, I've found that every religion has its own ideal views and ways of living life. and personally, despite whatever the cynics have to say, I think that every religion has its own uniqueness. and no one is better than the other because almost every religion or beliefs wants the best for its followers. my professor once mentioned in class, after watching this video about the Muslims conquering certain places in Spain, as long as we believe in God, or any sort of higher unknown entity out there, we all actually share the same spiritual faith. just the NAME and the IMAGE of the faith that we follow are different. after all, if God really wants us to be the same, why did He create us in such massive diverse community all around the world? there are many ways to reach for him regardless of which religion you choose, as long as you believe in Him. if it so happens that some of the followers are imperfect, in which i have to admit that almost everyone is imperfect because we're humans with flaws, then, do not blame the values in the religion. blame those who interpret it in a wrong way.

4. is it hard to be a Malay studying overseas?

hmm...VERY INTERESTING question in which this is the first time I've encountered this kind of enquiry. haha..:) personally, I believe that race has nothing to do with the difficulties faced in your life, though it might not be valid since we are who we are. the skin colour, the culture that we grow up in. maybe the question has to be interpreted based on the generic view. malays. oh bangsaku. I've met a lot of my fellow people ranging from the extremely conservative Malay to the ones who are super liberal. to say that it's difficult to be a Malay to study overseas really depends on what kind of personality you have. It's not the matter of you befriending only the ones who share the same skin colour like you. It's not the matter of forgetting your roots if you tend to befriend other races. For me, it's not difficult because it was me who wanted to break away from the stereotypical environment in which Malay only friends with malay and many other flaws that my race may have. I just want to embrace that I am who I am and I will treat others as equally as I can. I want to open up my mind, look beyond the superficial part of differences between us humans and just stay true to myself after understanding the many parts of the human differences. it doesn't matter what race you are, it's how you portray yourself and staying true to your roots at the same time opening up to the differences between us all. Life's colorful, people. :) Be brave to venture out of your comfort zone. :)

My answers may have caused certain discomfort or hopefully have touched you readers with some of my insights (if they are insightful la) :)

Looking forward to a lot more intriguing questions out there from the many people that I will want to meet in the future! :D