acumen on life

The Thinker

2012-01-18T20:54:00.001-08:00

I sit down. My mind opened, I think hard. I learn, then, I understand.

Pic: NHH, Columbia University, Manhattan, New York.

Everyday, you learn about yourself.

2012-01-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

I once lost my passport, my identity robbed;

only to find a bit of who I am, different, enhanced by wisdom, later on.

Pic: NHH, Ground Zero, Manhattan, New York.

2012...

2012-01-18T20:30:00.001-08:00

it's been a while.

oh boy. and i forgot how to write.

maybe this is it for now. while I unwind the tangle in my head.

welcome back, Nurul.

it was you.

2011-08-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

You broke somebody's heart. You said you couldn't love her. you said you couldn't stay. There was nothing else she could do. You were so unfair to leave her, when all she did was fighting for you.

All about emotions

2011-08-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

I feel happy knowing that the reason of a person's smile is me.

I can drown in despair knowing that I've caused other people pain.

I feel cheerful in believing that my smile can make a stranger's day.

I feel lonely in knowing someone so close to me can betray my trust.

I feel nervous every time I'm taking a huge step in my life.

I feel angry when people take advantage of my kindness and manipulate my naivety.

I've never felt this lively. Because I get to live and breathe every emotions that come my way.

come on, Nurul

2011-08-16T10:37:00.001-07:00

I've had enough.

Enough with the silly pain. Enough with the constant whining.

Stop, Nurul. Stop.

Gather your thoughts, breathe in, breathe out. You can do this.

You can start a new chapter of your life.

Yes, you can.

A few difficult soul searching questions

2011-07-25T05:44:00.000-07:00

So, I've had a few people asking me these questions on various occasions. Most of them are from the recent USApps workshop that I've joined. :) and some of them are just from what I recalled from my memories after meeting people. :)

1. Do you wear your head scarf when you study overseas?

Good question. maybe it indicates that I've changed and my behaviour masih belum sempurna for someone yg pakai tudung. But I took no offense to it. actually, I've had a lot of people asking me this question. Something to remind me that I should definitely jaga my perbuatan. haha...well, the answer is, yes. Despite me going overseas, I do wear my head scarf, I still wear long sleeves and I still take good care of my muslimah appearance albeit it not being perfect like an 'ustazah' outfit. My tudung is MY choice. and I JUST COULDN'T CARE if I get detained or faced any prejudice or Islamophobic behaviour or whatsoever. yeah, it is difficult. but to have faith in something you believe in is always a very challenging path in life. So, in this case, I am proud to wear my tudung, I don't let myself be to westernized because I am proud of my roots and religion. :) tudung is a part of me. and if i take it off, i won't be me anymore. :)

2. What do you want to do with your life?

some people have a direct answer to this. but i don't. :) i really dunno what to do with my life except live it. technically, alhamdulillah, I already have a stable planned out future in which I will have to work for my sponsors etc. But in actuality, I just want to learn more photography, be a motivator in any way, volunteer a lot, TRAVEL, and just find myself. haha...i guess i already answered the question then. :)

3. Why is this and that happen in Islam? what do you do about it? why can't this and that? (generally questions about Islam from my non-Muslim friends)

Let me clarify first. after a year spent studying religion, I've found that every religion has its own ideal views and ways of living life. and personally, despite whatever the cynics have to say, I think that every religion has its own uniqueness. and no one is better than the other because almost every religion or beliefs wants the best for its followers. my professor once mentioned in class, after watching this video about the Muslims conquering certain places in Spain, as long as we believe in God, or any sort of higher unknown entity out there, we all actually share the same spiritual faith. just the NAME and the IMAGE of the faith that we follow are different. after all, if God really wants us to be the same, why did He create us in such massive diverse community all around the world? there are many ways to reach for him regardless of which religion you choose, as long as you believe in Him. if it so happens that some of the followers are imperfect, in which i have to admit that almost everyone is imperfect because we're humans with flaws, then, do not blame the values in the religion. blame those who interpret it in a wrong way.

4. is it hard to be a Malay studying overseas?

hmm...VERY INTERESTING question in which this is the first time I've encountered this kind of enquiry. haha..:) personally, I believe that race has nothing to do with the difficulties faced in your life, though it might not be valid since we are who we are. the skin colour, the culture that we grow up in. maybe the question has to be interpreted based on the generic view. malays. oh bangsaku. I've met a lot of my fellow people ranging from the extremely conservative Malay to the ones who are super liberal. to say that it's difficult to be a Malay to study overseas really depends on what kind of personality you have. It's not the matter of you befriending only the ones who share the same skin colour like you. It's not the matter of forgetting your roots if you tend to befriend other races. For me, it's not difficult because it was me who wanted to break away from the stereotypical environment in which Malay only friends with malay and many other flaws that my race may have. I just want to embrace that I am who I am and I will treat others as equally as I can. I want to open up my mind, look beyond the superficial part of differences between us humans and just stay true to myself after understanding the many parts of the human differences. it doesn't matter what race you are, it's how you portray yourself and staying true to your roots at the same time opening up to the differences between us all. Life's colorful, people. :) Be brave to venture out of your comfort zone. :)

My answers may have caused certain discomfort or hopefully have touched you readers with some of my insights (if they are insightful la) :)

Looking forward to a lot more intriguing questions out there from the many people that I will want to meet in the future! :D

Thankful.

2011-07-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

He gave me some of the most awesome time in my life. and I'm thankful enough for those good times we shared together.

now we are on our separate ways and i will always pray the best for him because no matter what I do, he used to be a part of me. :) and I can never damage my soul just for the sake of bad times.

if it's anything that I've learnt, I learn how to be loving and forgiving.

biar je apa org buat kat kita. yg penting, sabar. :)

weird.

2011-07-17T23:32:00.000-07:00

Love works in funny ways, sometimes. I mean, you know it's love but the actions are just too paradoxical.

1. A father's love: is when he treats you coldly for coming home late at night.

2. a mother's love: is when she no longer wants to speak to you when it's just too much for her to even go berserk.

3. a best friend's love: is when he or she lashes out everything at you, making you feel like you're nothing.

or maybe it's just me. :D haha...

some people just hate that they love you too much. :D

I am worth it.

2011-07-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

"I want to scream out my anguish. I want to throw daggers to those who hurt me. I want to kick those who stepped on my foot, making me stumble. I want to cry until the sea runs dry."

"Oh no. You are stronger than the waves of fury raging inside you. You may cry but you will pick up the sword of calmness. You are brave to confront the world because you are your world. You worth more than the price of fury."

Please do not...

2011-07-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

Do not find me when you're lost. Do not find me when you feel lonely. Do not pretend like you care about me.

"Why?" you asked. Because you keep on closing up on me. Because I was never a part of you.

Red is me.

2011-07-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

When you rip me apart, I shall sustain. For passion is as red as blood that runs in my veins. bring me down, cripple me, stab my strength with doubt. But this strong soul shall never be harmed.

Staying while leaving.

2011-07-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

You asked me to leave. And I left. Wishing to haunt your thoughts, to linger in the spirals of your dreams.

BERSIH, 9 july 2011.

2011-07-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

today, I experienced the BERSIH effect.

the roadblock at Tol KL-Karak. a 4 lane highway became one small jalan kampung. the police working. the worrying pictures of the crowd protesting.

today, I've seen a lot of facebook statuses, describing people's opinions about BERSIH and any other political agendas that happened during the protest.

today, I've been called 'bangang' by one of my 'friends' just because i complained about the roadblocks, as if I'm bashing at the police.

today, I've seen Malaysia as not Malaysia yet still Malaysia anymore. Malays vs non-Malays ( somehow, it turned to be a racial issue jugak). Leaders against leaders. People voicing out various issues. People united yet people fighting one another.

today, I feel worried about my country's future because of the prominent corrupted system we have. I feel patriotic as well. It's a mixed feeling.

today, I felt like a stranger at my home country. yet as stranger as I am, I <3 malaysia. tanah tumpahnya darahku.

Bersih ke Kotor ni?

2011-07-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

I do not understand Malaysian politics at all. Partly because I'm just sick of all the dramas and scandals when there are wayyy more important things to be thought about and partly because of my ignorance not to read the politics sections in the newspaper. So many propaganda, sakit kepala oi!

I know that soon, it will be my turn to vote for one of these many2 parties in Malaysia. but, pardon my lack of knowledge in this field, I don't think I have any idea on who or which party to vote for.....(will i ever get sued or ditangkap for this statement? hahaha...let's see.)

Recently, I've asked my parents about this whole politics thingy. What's actually going on with the voting system sampai the BERSIH people wanting something from the SPR and then suddenly protest/rally seems like a BAD decision etc etc....Don't get me wrong. I've lived in a city where the people have rallies almost every weekend in front of the parliament like they're some kind of festivals or something. London has shown me that people can voice out what they want, and yet still ends up peacefully (except yg pasal Student Riot tu la). but mostly, there were peaceful demonstration, not some kind of Libyan or Egyptian riot. Isn't that democracy? or is it when you voice out, the government needs to hush you down so that you will not disturb public peacefulness? or is it just a sign that the government fears of losing power when the people actually begin to question some of their policies and raise awareness of the governments' flaws?

let me give you a few examples of how the Malaysian voting system works (based on the voters' behaviour in my family).

here's how my grandma sees it: ** (this one party) tu mmg banyak menyumbang kepado nogagho kito ni ha. den pikir cucu2 den yo. den nk yg terbaik utk maso dopan anak cucu den.

my parents: susah la nk dapat projek or anything if people vote for the other side. they will always know.

my generation (me): Malaysian politics is confusing and my generation is trying to do something but we all got hushed down.

so, when it comes to voting, and people actually wanting to make a change, we are deterred from changing? people just want some kind of transparency in the system, bukan nak mengancam negara. If you take the bad examples, memang la demonstration or rally can be very negative when it turns to a riot. but how can a riot happen? easy answer. the people is fed up with the government and there's no other way to make the govt listen other than creating chaos. so, really, do you want people to be fed up with the government? we demand lightly, tak dengar. we demand peacefully, jadi big issue. we demand teruk2 kang baru tau.

tasting the milk before buying the cow.

2011-06-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

My best friend and I had a huge fight last night..(by huge I mean, we just stop commenting on each other's wall on Facebook..haha..)

here's the thing. She's worried about not having a boyfriend yet. I mean, she's 20, and she feels like she's the only one who's left behind with no so-called taste of relationship. Don't get me wrong, she already fell in love, wayyyyy before I did, in fact, to a guy at school. But they never made it official or anything of that sort when it comes to couples. To summarize their 'friendship', it's about both of them loving each other but nobody said anything about their feelings. And then, one day, their special-but-we're-not-a-couple relationship ended. And until today, I will never understand why and how it happened.

Anyway, back to the topic. She's worried. I must say, in my society, somehow, there's still this mentality that by our 20s, women should already have someone in their lives a.k.a boyfriends, r even better, long term partners. Please do not take this mentality wrongly, it's just that, some of my parents' generation still emphasize on the importance of marriage and having one own's family. It's considered one of life's success. and parents with daughters especially, are super aware of their little girls' future stability.

But with modernity quickly setting into the younger generation, this emphasis still holds, but in one condition, you gotta have a taste of relationship before any sort of marriage. Ok, i might sound generalizing, but mostly, yeah. I don't remember who the guy is, but I read his quote in the Evening Standard (that's the free newspaper you get in London every evening), he said, people nowadays want to try the milk first before taking the cow. :) Take it any way you want, but I agree this notion to a certain extent. Arranged marriage can be seen as super old-fashioned (despite the proven success of long lasting relationship from what I observed in my family, i.e, my grandparents) and everyone feels there's other much more priorities in life like success in career and financial matters. Relationships may not even be a central element in a workaholic's life, generally speaking. When you have one, you already put a high expectation of how a relationship should be (thanks to the influence of media too on how love should be). That's why you keep on tasting and trying to find the perfect milk despite the cow has already been good enough for you. (my analogy can be very confusing, pardon me for that.)

I've tried to explain to my best friend about how it is common to feel a little bit worried. I mean, isn't it an innate feeling that we want to have another half or soulmate, call it whatever you want, in our lives? The romantic part of me wants someone that will smile and kiss me every morning as soon as he opens his eyes and see me lying next to him, simply hugs me on my bad days and raise our children as best as we both can (I can't help being a dreamy romantic person...)It's just our nature to feel loved. and for me, my best friend is just feeling insecure. She said she feels jealous of all our other friends have already found their other halves. But, honey, how sure can you be? Life is unpredictable.

I feel insecure too. After being dumped by someone who I didn't even think that I would fall in love with in the first place (he's my first, and boy, was he a very difficult character), I don't know how I feel towards relationships anymore. I mean, I feel happy and jealous seeing my best friends' happy relationships, thinking how I am a failure sometimes. I felt traumatic but because I am so into having my own family in the future, there's this small glimmer of hope shining from the broken pieces of my heart. :) And what's with certain people bragging about their girlfriends or boyfriends? I mean, I understand you're happy, you're in love etc, but to some extent, frankly, it can make single people like me feel like a loser. haha...(I sound bitchy...hmm..haha)

So, my dear best friend, and whoever feels this way, please don't worry. despite the worrying statistics of how men are less than women nowadays (a sign that the world is going to end soon according to Islam), think positively. Have faith. I mean, in Islam, we truly believe that Allah determines our 'jodoh'. I can never guarantee whether you will find your soulmate or your relationship can last forever or anything good or bad happens to you...Life's unpredictable. But life also gives you hope. Just put your best foot forward, be very good to yourself and face everyday with a sincere smile formed on your lips.

because, girl, you might never know when a guy will get electrocuted by that dazzling smile of yours. :) let the one have the most pleasant surprise in his life by having you.

The first-time sentimental impact

2011-05-22T06:24:00.001-07:00

"This is it." were the first three words I whispered to myself as the plane descended to the city below. The sun was being friendly despite the fact that summer was almost over. Everyone was murmuring to the wonderful weather. The first impression that I had for dark sombre English weather, shattered. Geez...movies really have that kind of influence on me.

The first picture? The Emirates airplane that brought me to this city. I received quite a few awkward glances from people getting off the plane, but who cares? All I could think of was the fact that I made it. I got out of my country. Alone. :) Not that I don't love Malaysia, it's just that all my life, my dream was to go overseas. and there I was, getting off the plane and thanking God for giving me the chance to come here.

London.

Oh London.

Where should I start?

London so quiet at 3am even at the central zone? The red buses? The stinking smell of pee on the pavements and underground platforms?? How I memorized the tube stations and different colors of tube lines? Starbucks coffee almost every inch in London? Or the crowd when Primarks just opened in the morning? Or maybe how fast the drivers drive despite the narrow streets and braking right on time when a pedestrian crosses the road? and how everyone snickers in the tube when the instructor makes funny jokes about the rush hour crowd? and how you can't separate between a gay guy and straight one just because British guys dress so properly in general? or maybe the dodgy outlook of the buildings/theaters but once you're inside, your breath is taken away by the grandeur of the elaborate patterns on the ceiling?

I can't believe I just ended my freshman year. I've faced so much in this city. I learnt to force myself out from my comfort zone although virtually, I still stick with my old friends. I've walde don the cobbled streets, seen totally different sides of the city when I'm standing near the Westminster Area and the Bank area. I've been to the Greenwich Observatory where TIME matters. :) I've faced both prejudice and kindness because of my hijab: once was at Westminster Abbey when this caucasian guy gave me the middle finger and the other was a Jewish guy helping me out with something. I've learnt that in college, getting an A needs a different kind of effort. I've learnt that i have awkward English. haha...but they still love my American accent. and how I can speak perfectly well in the British accent? :D uh-oh. I'm starting to brag.

and I've travelled as much as I could because it's so easy to start when you're in London. around the UK, Ireland, Spain, France, Italy and soon I will head to Germany, Austria, Czech Republic, Switzerland and Poland. I will definitely come back to finish my travel around Europe. hmm...

I will miss this city. When I come back, I will no longer be a Londoner, merely just a visitor. There's so much difference when you're being a visitor and actually living here. I'll be jealous of my best friend, Nabilah, who will spend the next three years of her life in this wonderful city. I might be biased because I really like London. Plus, this is my first time out of the country, so yeah. Maybe the first time effect really had its impact on me.

London. You will be loved, missed and remembered; truly, madly, deeply.

You are strong. Hell yes, you are.

2011-05-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

This time, it's a post for all the strong people out there. if you ain't tough enough to read this, then don't.

People,

Life can be really hard sometimes. But at the very same time, life is truly awesome.

Life depends on how you live it. :) So, live life happily.

If you feel like crying, or just breaking down, so be it. We're humans. Not robots. Cry all you want, because each and everyone of us has a mourning period. It doesn't matter why, but if you feel down, be it failure in academics, failure in relationships, failure in family issues, let it out... drain the misery out of your system. and make it as quick as you can. Because you don't wanna lose out anything much more awesome than crying and mourning, people! :)

Smile. Even if you don't feel like it. Because when you smile, the people who smile back at you can really make you smile for real. Been there, done that, peeps. trust me. :)

Life can be bitchy. Seriously. :) But that doesn't mean you have to be bitchy back. The best revenge? Live the dreams that you have, Fight for them, fulfill them and Never bow down to life's bitchiness.

It's a good thing that Pandora closed the box just in time. so that we all have Hope, my dears.

You can do this. You are strong, independent and smart. Hell yes, you are. And how do I know this? because I'm trying to get back up as well. Just felt like sharing this fighting spirit with those who think that they've lost it.

We can do it. :) Chins up, people.

Fun facts about Italy.

2011-04-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

Italy. sounds like an awesome country to visit eh? haha...unless you're ready to let me shatter your imagination on such a wonderful country, then don't read this post. :D hehehe...:) but if you're really into getting to know Italy, then read on. :)

before i proceed, i want you to know that there were only 4 cities that i went (NO VENICE and MILAN, PEOPLE...i know..i know...it's like the must-visit cities...) which were Pisa, Florence, Siena and Rome. :) It was a 6 day trip for the Three musketeers. :) (if you see the photos in my FB account, then you'll know why)

ok. here goes.

1. Pisa is all about the Leaning Tower. seriously. it's a small city and that's the main and only attraction. But, you can rent a bicycle or rickshaw for 5 euros, 40 minutes ride around the city. It's a bit of exercise and saves a lot of time if you're just there for one day. :)

2. Florence. yes, you know that Florence is the city which the Renaissance began. But, I found it a little bit disappointing because in my mind (after studying a lengthy period of class just on renaissance) i had always imagined the grandeur of everything. Dude, it's THE RENAISSANCE we're talking about. but in the end, my disillusionment was broken. Yes. The city's beautiful. but it wasn't maintained well enough to glorify its renaissance heritage. the Duomo (a huge Cathedral really..) is obviously old and grand, but yeah. that's pretty much it because the buildings surrounding the Duomo are not that pretty. HOWEVER, if you wanna shop, people, don't shop in Rome or anywhere else. the good leather stuff and low price souvenirs are mostly in Florence. :)

3. Siena? A local town. really small but grand on its own. It seems a little bit calmer because not many tourists stop in this city and that's why I love it. it's like mingling in a local place where we get to see an actual Italian culture and not some tourism facade. :) So, if you want a quick runaway from all the touristy cities, siena is a must go place. :)

4. Unless you really like old ancient ruins of buildings and remnants of a 2000 year old city and have a general idea of how awesome Ancient Roman was, then Rome is the place for you to go. true, it's the capital city of Italy but it's soooooo touristy in front of the Furro Romano (Fort Romano) or even the Colosseum that you just get annoyed with all the people trying to relive the Ancient Roman's grandeur in plastic costumes of Trojans and soldiers...Plus, it's pretty much expensive to get into the Colosseum (10 euros) and a few other places. One advice, go in if you really are enthusiastic to see the buildings, if not, keep your money and spend it on gellato instead. :)

5. Most European maps may seem big on paper but actually the places are pretty much in walking distance. Like the time when we went to the Vatican City, we had to take a tube (wait..tube is for the Brits...Italian call theirs metro...) because we didn't wanna lose our reserved tickets to get into the Vatican museum. other than that, don't use money on public transportation over there. have a walk around. it feels much more refreshing that way (though at the end of the day you'll sleep like a log.)

6. You don't have to worry about time in rome because almost every inch of the city, there will be a clock stand showing you the time. :)

7. The Italians drive on the right hand side like the Americans. but trust me, their driving style? just like malaysians, baby! :)

8. For photography freaks like me, Italy's like a heaven with all its vintage classical grandeur of the past. Vespas on the road, graffiti on the walls and the oldness of everything can make one feel like opening a gallery just to display monochrome pictures. :)

9. FOOD. basically, it's just pizza and panini. but one thing you must know is that Nutella Crepes is the most heavenly food ever and Gellato (a type of European ice cream...like seriously dense and intense ice creamm..haha...)is plain awesome in many flavors!!!! HAHA...

10. if you have a tiny bladder like me, it's kinda hard to find public toilets in Italy. :( either you have to pay 50 cents to get in or you have to queue a long line near the Colosseum, toilets are pretty hard to find. really. and it really annoyed my two other friends because i kinda needed to use the toilet quite a few times. :D hahaha...

11. don't allow yourself to be deceived by the fountain in the When in Rome movie (the actor's Josh Duhamel and the girl from I Love Beth Cooper). it doesn't exist. we tried to find it, just for the fun of being on a movie setting. but when we asked the tourist info counter, we just got weird looks. :D this is how Hollywood succeeds in making us believe the existence of such fountain. =.="

12. Unlike Paris, where romance is sooooo overrated at the Eiffel Tower (i've been there..paris was a disappointment...it's just a city with really good photoshopped pictures..), romance in Rome is awesome!! just go to one of the plazas (a square full of fountains and people hanging around) and there will be really talented street artists. I met this guy called Claudio Spadi and he looked and sounded like Chad Kruger (Nickelback's vocalist). You can even request songs to be played, dance to the songs or just sit there and watch people. :)

So people, how's Italy? :)

was it real?

2011-04-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

many convinced me that it wasn't real. but they're not the ones having the relationship. only i alone know how much i sincerely loved him. people may say i made the wrong choice. but it was one hell of a wrong choice because i can never get him out of my head. that means, I truly loved him.

people told me that nobody can love anyone just from sympathy. let me share with you. yes, i felt pity for him at first because I know we're too different from each other. Different family backgrounds, different pasts and for me, I had never had any commitments. Know how i changed pity into love? I fell in love when I saw him with his mother. and sisters. and the way he treated them. At that moment, i knew I had to give him the chance. I put my soul out there for him. and it happened. we really did fall in love.

but if i am sincere, why am i still hoping for his love when i know it will never come back? maybe because i'm still clinging to the past, when we both were madly in love and didn't realize how we both could change drastically as we grew further apart.

many got tired of me missing him. of me crying for him. of me to even mention his name. but what if that's the only option to stay strong and not go crazy about it? the tears that flow are not for him. but for myself. for my wounded heart. I thought i guarded my heart well enough. but no. I don't regret of loving him. because if i do regret, then it's not sincere.

right now, he's being a jerk. but as disillusioned as people tell me that i am, i know his other side. the side that he hates to be blamed when all he felt was he could not love me anymore. he was not ready. his idea of relationship was not about commitment. all he wanted was the fun part of chasing me. as bad as that sounds, can we really blame his feelings? Human feelings are fickle. we all know that. From pity, I fell in love. and for him, from love, it changed to pity. and he realized that pity is not good for any of us especially me who sincerely waited for him.

he was brave for trying to reach my heart. but he's just not that into me anymore. he's seen my worst and he couldn't accept me, so what's the point of our relationship? he grew tired of me. even if I fight till the end, and i really did, it won't change how he feels for me. i tried over and over again to save ourselves from all the heartache. but still it happened.

people told me it's not worth it anyway. people said i deserve someone better. people told me, he just doesn't realize how valuable i am. bla bla bla. all the break up cliches.

but people. listen to me. I loved him. and as stupid as it sounds, I still do. but I need time. I don't search for rebound boyfriends. I am sad. and let me be. grow tired of me? then you don't understand the pain yet.

i hate to sound so negative. but when i'm sad, my blog is the victim.

Angels cry?

2011-04-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

And so the sun is my best friend,

Golden angels reaching the sky,

The blue sky and clouds pass by.

it takes time.

Photo: The Queen's Memorial at Buckingham Palace.

Photographer: Me

Wasted. (Spoiler Alert: not THAT wasted)

2011-04-16T03:16:00.000-07:00

Spring Break is here.

and how do I spend my time?

1. Ultimate Facebook all day long. (heck, i can do this everyday..hahaha..)

2. How I met Your Mother marathon. (Barney Stinson is my best friend right now.)

3. The Vampire Diaries saga. (despite me being annoyed at how everyone wants to save pretty face Elena, I still watch it for the sake of boo-ing at Stefan Salvatore for being so lame while Damon Salvatore does all the thinking on how to save a girl that doesn't love him at all. Bad guys win. Unless you watch this show, you won't understand what I'm talking about anyway. :P)

4. Spring Cleaning (Starting to sort out stuff that I won't be using anymore for this coming one and a half month before I head back. Thinking again....how am I supposed to pack all these shoes? =.=" )

5. Sleep. (Been sleeping early and wake up late. Frankly, I've been doing it often this spring semester. Maybe it's the fact that the clock goes forward makes me appreciate time more. Thanks to the spring forward daylight saving system. )

6. Eat? (No. If you call drinking mineral water all day long, and only a few bananas in between, i don't think i should consider that eating. it's just Snacking...)

7. Knowing that I have two essays due right after the break but not starting on anything yet. (I have essays due. Both RESEARCH essay which take a lot of time to finish it. Oh well, I gotta work hard for this. My final two papers. and one of it I always get a B+ no matter how hard I try. so, please, Nurul. one last chance before final exams. come on, baby.)

8. YOUTUBE-ING jessie j. (Oh man, you gotta listen to this pure talent. Ignore her gaga-ish look and interesting facial make-ups. Just close your eyes and embrace the sound of her voice. She's got one hell of a talent. It's been a wonder why she used to write songs for other people when she can sing really well. )

9. Shopping. (My money has been running low lately. Can't go into a shop without buying anything. This is pure pathetic, Nurul. I dunno where my self-control went but yeah. Money. Shopping. Time. and a lot of things to pack before I go home. )

10. Hanging out with my friends here in London. (It's been fun hanging out with them. lately, we hung out more often. i feel grateful that they came into my life. I may be a passer-by in their lives, but I wish to make myself a memorable passer-by. :) Will miss them terribly. Oh well, they did say they wanna visit me in New York. hehehe..)

11. Missing those who matter to me. This does not need any breaks or holidays because I miss them every single day of my life. Will be meeting them very soon. :)

Oh. Just wanted to quote Jessie J song lyrics because I really love those words...

"Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing. It's ok not to be ok. Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing. everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are."

Not relevant to my post for today but just wanted to share with you that there are still composers who write good motivational song and it's not all about penis, vagina and rocking the bed.

Remember that time?

2011-04-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

remember that time when we were good friends and how you were jealous that i like another guy and not see you? you tried so hard. when i look at you properly, i thought you're bringing me hope. alas, i was mistaken.

remember that time when you tried so hard to win my heart? want to know how you've won it? you broke my heart. total damage, sweetheart. thank you so much. now i'm just another girl in your girlfriend trophy cabinet. i hope at least i'm d biggest prize. feels like a consolation for me. :D

remember that time when you promised me a billion things when all i wanted was for you to love me and accept me as who i am? you've seen my true colours. you've seen me vulnerable. instead of embracing me at my worst, you attacked me when i let my guard down. now, your promises are still here even if you're gone. how will you answer to God of the promises you made to me?

remember that time when we used to have good times? and even if we quarrelled, it was of useful stuff? why so bitter to me now when it was you who hurt me? Now i understand the concept of bitter sweet relationship. only now, i understand the bitter part more. :D

remember that time when you said i was clingy and needy and just plain bothersome? think about yourself, honey. we all have flaws. i'm not a perfect girl. and you're not a perfect boy either.

remember that time when everyone doubted you and i told you to ignore all those bad comments and gossips about you? as much as i was sincere, i couldn't help feeling hurt that you believed in others more than you believed in me. you bowed down to peer pressure. and let them tell me bad things that shook my faith in you. i fought. fought them to believe in you.

remember that time when i loved you? i still do. even if you hurt me. even if you ignore me. even if you're amazing at being a total jerk. so, what happened to your love? you said you pitied me? how wonderful. Alhamdulillah, i am the peak of my life, i am the one who should pity you because no one seems to believe in you at all.

remember that time when you already had me replaced? wow. i'm impressed. make sure you don't lie to her. don't hurt her feelings. don't raise her hopes when all she does is loving you and accepts you as who you are. don't ever EVER try to break her heart. don't make the same mistake to her like you did to me. learn, sweetheart.

remember that time when you told me that love can change? for you, it turns from love to pity. for me, it's from love to disbelief. do you even know how worse disbelief is than being pitied at?

Dear God, please. please. let me go of this torture. release me from this obstacle. I know I've sinned so much. I've learnt my lesson. I should've kept my heart for the one that deserves it. You. Dear God, please. if this is the way for You to give me strength, I have to admit, I am not strong enough. Please. Guide me with your hidayah. Guide me to love You more than anything else in the world. Forgive me for my mistakes. Forgive me for being so angry at this small task of testing my patience and strength. Forgive me, dear God. It is hard for me to be strong for others. people see my smile and laughter, o Allah. please keep it that way so that they won't be bothered with my sighs and tears. it is hard for me to keep smiling in front of my family and friends when all i'm feeling is to fall down and cry. At times, I am so angry that I forgot Your existence. I feel like giving up. it is hard for me, O God. I'm trying my best. but i can't help crying in front of You. Pardon me for all my sins. Set my heart straight. Heal it so that I can forgive and forget. I rely on You. Thank you, Allah. for this small task of yours let me learn about life.

If I die young...

2011-03-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

Just listened to this song by The Band Perry. Pretty siblings and the vocalist has a wonderful voice.

I first heard the song in Glee. and I find it somehow soothing. not in an emo way, but in a very peaceful way. the message is not about death. you gotta listen to it to get it. hehe...

And listening to that song leads me to write this post.

What happens if I were to die tomorrow?

Calm down. this is not any suicidal note or any form of emo post. but really, just think, what happens after we die?

Think of the people we care about. Think of the people we've hurt. think of those strangers that you once smiled at or glared? I don't know. People. Mortals. Family. Friends. all around us.

Weirdly, I even think about who will handle my Facebook account, my Yahoo n Gmail, even this blog? My bank account, my future car, my future house, my future children.

Plus, as a Muslim, cukupkah my ibadah to go meet God? am i ready to face Him with all my sins? do I even think and repent of what I've done?

Also, think about the things that you wanna do, but realizing you haven't done yet.

The fact that you don't know when and how you will die has a lulling element about the afterlife, always need to be reminded by the death around us via our family, relatives or even friends. I've experienced both and then realizing that I've had friends who were younger than me that just passed away.

That is why there's a famous quote that my teachers always use when I was in school. "Work like you'll live for a thousand years, but perform your ibadah like you'll die tomorrow"

have I even try to live like this?

Possession

2011-03-27T02:32:00.001-07:00

when you love someone, you don't ever wanna lose him or her.

but when you start being possessive, that's when he or she is gone forever.

it's not like you didn't improve. it's not as if you didn't try to be brave and trust him or her.

i screwed up once. Big time. and i don't wanna do it again.

we're better as best friends. but always know, whatever you and i are gonna be in the future, i've cherished every moment with you.

do not misinterpret my neediness to something burdensome. all my life, i've been facing things alone. I have family, and i have friends. but sometimes, there are things that only i confront.

i am really comfortable with you. in a best friend way, you complete me.

for now, I'll leave. just like you wanted me to. but if one day, I come back to you, with a heart full of love and not loneliness, as much as I don't have hope for both of us, I hope all goes well. If you accept me, accept me sincerely. If you don't, let me down gently. although i've learnt to fall without a cushion to soften the blow.

mysm.

dunno what to update la.

2011-03-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

kawan2 suruh update.

i have no idea on what to update la.

kalau cakap pasal weather can ah? :D sunny London = awesomeness. today, didn't even wear my coat because i was practically sweating (in a 16 degree celcius temp...oh my...m used to the weather....=.=")

classes normal je. days pass by. can't wait to go home, but kind of attached to this city already. :( but it's ok. i had my time here. :) gonna enjoy it till the end. went for a Harry Potter walking tour last night. not as how i expected but still, it was enjoyable. jarang keluar malam, so yeah. :)

got my test results. semua average je. :( tension. i work super hard this term. rajin gila buat reading and everything. never mind. God knows what is best for me. He doesn't want me to be leka sangat la kot. :Dto go to Stern, gotta get used with this lifestyle. Work hard and smart.

money running low. i dunno what happened to them. a lot of travelling i guess. for now, dah cover London, Cardiff, Wiltshire, Bath, Berkshire, Oxfordshire, Manchester, Sheffield, Coventry, (Exeter) Devon. Bila nk gi LIVERPOOL and BLACKPOOL ni? =.=" Next weekend, DUBLIN. :)

Italy for spring break. Insyaallah. :) but not going to Venice. they say it's overrated. i guess i can't prove it since m not heading there anyway. :D Florence (wil visit NYU branch there), Pisa, Sienna and ROME. :D thinking of heading to Cologne in Germany (got a friend there) and visit my parents' uni in Aberdeen, Scotland. :) oh my. banyaknyaaaa places i wanna go.

what else? oh yeah. this week was super awesome. why? i met my old friend and my fave cousins this week. tomorrow is family day out before my cousins head back to malaysia. :) weeeeeeeeeee............

about my heart and soul? hahaha....i am ok. somehow, he wants me back. but can't differentiate whether he rea;;y wants me back or just feeling lonely. so, will just take my time. i'm taking it slow and going with the flow. don't wanna repeat the same mistake. let both of us take our time and space. :)

life's good. I'm loving it.

To those who matter

2011-03-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

This heart, soul and mind. will fly across the sky full of hues, just so that I can send my prayers to you. A prayer filled with love and best wishes. A prayer that will keep you safe.

A prayer breathed to fill the lungs of longing. A prayer whispered so that the ears of loving souls can listen to it. A prayer displayed in front of the eyes of awareness.

20 means I get two cakes and loads of love. :)

2011-03-12T12:11:00.001-08:00

Alhamdulillah. 6th of March 2011. Turned 20 in Manchester and London. :P

I was in Manchester (of all places on earth, why Manchester???? don't get me wrong, Manchester's cool, but there's this one FOOTBALL team yg agak irritating...haha) with my friends from Exeter, Ili and Aishah on the 5th. met new people there, Deena from Leeds, Husna from Birmingham, Uya from Leicester and Piqa, a Sime scholar studying Law in Manchester. extended my network again. :)

Just a few days before, I had the worst time of my life. i thought i was strong enough, for the relationship, but proven that there are still things that i have to learn before i truly give my commitment to someone. Years of ignoring guys and making myself unapproachable for relationships, I decided to give it a try. for ten months, I get to know about love, hurt andpain. Imagine that your partner tells you that he or she no longer had feelings for you except pity. for me, pity or sympathy is worse than anger or unrequited love because you thought what you had was real, when in reality, the moments you shared with your partner mean nothing to him or her. i must admit, it sucks. sucks big time. but I can't be sad and pathetic all the time can i? :) It's a part of life's lessons. I cried but it wasn't for long. I had other responsibilities. I am still Nurul Hidayah Hassan, a daughter to my parents, a sister to my siblings who need my guidance, a girl with her own goals, a friend to my friends. Life's still good. I asked God for strength, and He gave me this task to test my ability. :)

Anyway, enough with the sad part. I truly enjoyed my visit to Old Trafford. When I entered the stadium, I was overwhelmed. No matter how much i hate Manchester United, I must admit i was impressed by their cabinets filled with trop

hies and more trophies. At that time, all i could think of is sharing the moment with my friends who support MU. how they would've loved the museum and gawk at the trophies and long history of Man Utd achievements. How they would've probably cried with tears of joy, sitting in one of those seats where Beckham, Rooney or Nani or Chicarito or whoever la in Man Utd once sat, and see the white board in which Sir Alex will use to explain strategies to his players. How they would've taken tonnes and tonnes of pics of the stadium. :) It was a great experience to me. I love the tour guide, a jolly old man who just loved to bahan me because I was the only Liverpool fan in the tour group. hehehe...but at the end of the tour, he hugged me and we took pictures together. Boleh la jadik bapak angkat ni. :D

Stadium was awesome. but later that night, it was even better. Dinner was at this restaurant called Jazeera. I only had burger because that's the cheapest I could get (Money running lowwwwww). I thought that these new friends of mine, would never know that it's my birthday because i planned to celebrate it privately with myself, enduring the fact that I'm turning 20. hahaha. Little did I know that as I was browsing through Uya's Blackberry, a cute green cake magically appeared out of nowhere in front of me. the next thing i knew, i was crying. trust me, i couldn't control the tears. so much happened to me that week, that the last thing on my mind was a surprise birthday party, prepared right under my nose but I wasn't even aware of it. It's like God gave me both hard and good times within a few days. :) Alhamdulillah. :) Thank you to those who made it happen that night. :)

The cake that made me cry. =.="

When i got back from dinner, checked Fb and skype. replied everything. My family sang for me and my Sime buddies in US made me laugh in front of the laptop. yay! :) Love you people. Thank you for the calls. muahx muahx. :)

The next day, when i got back to London, again, my innocence and naivety did not expect another surprise birthday party. =.=" oh my. i went back to my flat, all tired and ready to finish my homework which i've been postponing due to the things happening to me that week. Then came a call from my London buddy, Syaza. She asked me to come down, and fetch her. it didn't even occur to me that Syaza NEVER came to my flat before. HAHA. and there they were. Syaza, Amrina, Ili, Akmal and Azril. 5 people, holding a small cake with candles on it, shielding it against the cold wind of that night. I cried again. (what is it with me and my tears????) Another birthday dinner ensued, and we all had a lovely time. In a way, I felt bad because my flatmates did not even know that it was my birthday, despite having thousands of wall posts on my FB wall wishing me my bday. hahaha...it's ok. I really meant it to be private anyway. :)

yup. that's my second cake. mentang2 la turn 20, dapat dua kek pulak. :D

And so that's the special day I had this year. Turning 20 in UK. :) Thank you for the wishes, thank you for everything. Thank you for those who made it happen for me. :) May God bless all of you.

20 is a large number. and I had to overcome a few obstacles before I reached this number. being out here, surviving in such an uncomfortable social circle and implicit discrimination by my colleagues, enduring the heartache of a break up thousands of miles away from home and fighting to reach my goals in academic and life, I learnt a lot. And I got my reward that God has always given me all my life. Family and friends to help me along the way. People that I can lean on whenever I feel like stumbling down. People who truly care and love me. Good health and wonderful mind to think of refreshing thoughts.

Life's good. I'm loving it. :)

Because I loved you.

2011-03-04T02:22:00.000-08:00

I will never understand.

the paradox of love disappearing from one side, while on the other, it grows stronger.

one side acts a parasite sucking the energy of love away?

was it one's fault? or both?

and yet you say, I hate you. when it was you who didn't love me anymore.

because you, my friend, will never understand how real it was for me.

We're only human

2011-02-09T16:02:00.001-08:00

My dad told me.

Any religion is good. X pernah ada religion nak ajar mende2 yg jahat. except the ones yg dh serong sgt.

tapi kenapa serong? terpesong? sampai terkeluar dari landasan of what it is to be a GOOD person?

Manusia ini. Tuhan bagi akal. but ada yg abuse akal, sampai sanggup memutar belitkan hal2 yg sebenarnya elok utk diri sendiri.

But bad stuff always attract more people rather than good things.

and my dad cakap: X pernah ada religion yg salah. Religion x pernah salah. PEOPLE yg salah, sbb kita ada kelemahan. sebagai insan, humans byk weaknesses. and kita byk kehendak. jadi, dgn akal yg diberi utk kebaikan, certain people guna utk cari pleasure from ephemeral stuff. utk memutarbelitkan ayat2 Tuhan. tgk la agama mana pun, kitab2 yg ada, mana ada ajar mende2 pelik. betul x?

Manusia. Imperfect. that's why, we always need to improve ourselves. use the power of reasoning.

My Jihad

2011-01-28T14:00:00.001-08:00

Great start of term.

For cultural and social foundations classes, Islam is the first topic. After one whole term learning about ancient cultures like the Mayans, Greeks, Egyptians etc and some Christianity, I'll study about Muhammad, the Quran and why the Muslim empire was disastrous after our prophet passed away.

I was reading this book titled: Islam: A Short History by Karen Armstrong. First, it's intriguing to read a book about Islam written by a Catholic nun. wait, she used to be a Catholic nun or so i think. I was so used to study Islamic books written by Muslim people that I, yes, the lazy me, is so eager to read about it. Will she be biased? Will she get it correct and complied to what I had learnt all my life as a Muslim? What does she think about my religion? Will she help us straighten out the Islamophobia in the western world right now? Too many questions. and it is up to me to find the answer.

secondly, when i read the first few pages of the book, listing the chronology of Islamic history, it was a trail full of blood, wars and greed for power. Right after Muhammad (peace be upon him) left us, the Islamic world was in chaos. The rulers, the places that Islam conquered, all ruined. all manipulated and exploited in the so-called name of Islam.

It's sad to read about such a peaceful religion, can be disastrous in the wrong hands of people in the past and present. I may be a Muslim, and i might be biased with my views, but I understand the fear that people felt towards my religion. Muslims fighting between brothers, when the prophet taught us to be kind to others. Muslims greed for power, when Islam has already clarified and showed good examples of the Prophet's leadership. It is not in my position to say, Muslims are good in general but yeah, ironically, we fight each other a lot. but Islam is not to be blamed. The religion sets the rules and regulations to ensure harmony. But it's the people who twist laws, bends regulations and have the guts to use the religion's name to achieve their own desires. it's not the fault of our religion, it's our own fault for not following the rules.

Now with the extremists trying to further taint the meaning of jihad, Muslim people living a non-Islamic life, and many other wrong perspectives that the media successfully brainwash people who admittedly can be so ignorant (still confused about why Russians blaming muslim Checnyan people for the airport bombing), it makes me much more determined to study about the roots of my religion. my prophet's sirah (history), the teachings in the Quran. it's not that I never studied about my religion my whole life. but this time, i'm in a new surrounding, being the only Muslim in class to explain the words of Quran and the stories of my prophet when there's discussion in class. I will study about what I've lived for and I will help as best as i can to let people know about Islam.

this is my jihad. i study. i understand. i improve myself. i want people to not blame Islam anymore but instead, see the flaws of Muslim people as being imperfect humans. we humans are never perfect. Jihad is not war in suicide bombings and extreme methods. Jihad is not inflicting misery on others. Jihad is in improving oneself, for the better. for the greater good.

Also, in class, we are required to read the Quran. my professor told me the Quran is the most beautiful book he has ever read and studied all his professor life. Believe me, he's a big man in his industry. And it was interesting to know other people's perspectives and questions about Islam. I find myself questioning too. Do I know everything about Islam? Do I know too little? Do I remember what the Quran says??

the first word that Allah sent down was Iqra'. which means READ.

and i have to continue with my reading. :) that's all for now.

What's out there?

2011-01-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

what's beyond the trees?

what's beyond the mountain?

what's in there in the fog?

what's out there for me to see?

my mind is a picture.

my dreams are the colours.

and you get to see the beauty of it.

Photo by me. Kuching scenery. Dec 2010.

Again. just a thing that came across my mind while browsing thru my pics.

No turning back.

2011-01-20T12:51:00.000-08:00

turning back?

no.

keep climbing.

hesitation might trick you into a downfall.

listen to your heart.

p/s:

Photo by me. and this post is to remind me and you who reads this, to keep going on. no turning back.

bloom it, Spring.

2011-01-12T00:08:00.001-08:00

can't wait to start my spring term.

1. join university of London basketball team. regardless of my height. (i've seen how tall the girls are before...but i'm still gonna try)

2. tour around UK. go to a beach. visit Yorkshire, Manchester, Liverpool. maybe veer off to Ireland or Scotland.

2. TOUR AROUND EUROPE, BABY!!!!!!!! Italy, France, Switzerland...bla..bla..bla...:)

3. stop being d silent girl. come on! bring your loudness back!!! you're in freaking London where the noise is at the same level day and night. :)

4. i think i'll continue volunteering at the Oxfam store. i find it boring, but at least, it'll be good for me to wind down just by sticking price tags on the second hand books. plus, i love the store.

5. meet as many malaysians as possible. all around UK. set up huge networks.

6. enjoy myself. and stop being homesick. :)

Spring term, BRING IT ON!

p.s: i don't know what to expect from my flight journey to heathrow this coming monday...

She forgot.

2011-01-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

It's ironic. Nurul forgetting her LOUDNESS. that's like, pigs can swim in the clouds. that girl is well known for her boisterous nature and very exclusive unique sort of laugh. anyone who hears her laughing does not need to think twice that it's nurul that he or she is hearing.

she thought, she's the same when she came home. realizing that, yeah, sure, she'll meet most of her friends again. she'll be perfectly fine. like she thought she was when in london.

she did not what came into her mind that night. or what sort of emotions sneaking into the veins of her heart, making it feel like bursting with longing happiness. she did not know that her lungs needed to work extra hard that day to breathe the hilarity of being with good friends again. all day long, she was with her bestest two best buddies, yusuf and irwan. two Aussie guys who made my world an annoying but lovely place. :)

she did not expect to break down in front of all her beloved. nabilah, yusuf, lina, lanie, amore, atul, ain, nadia, adian, uzair, irwan and wan. she did not expect to cry, hell no, she was so used to being reserved that she forgot how tears of happiness could even exist.

she did not anticipate what her friends would feel. she thought, that if she was strong enough to keep all the bad things that happened to her, causing herself unbearable loneliness on a foreign soil, she was being brave. she thought that if she kept all the negative experiences to herself, she would be stronger.

but no.

she was brave when she confronted her frustration and somehow, a teensy bit of regret of choosing her own path. she was brave to keep moving on, knowing that God knows best for her. she was stronger in the arms of her friends, wiping away her tears and let her envelope herself in their hugs. she was stronger with every word of encouragement she heard escaping from the soft lips of tenderness in the hearts of her friends.

she forgot how loud and happy she was until that day. that night when feelings overwhelmed her. she forgot how noisy the group could be when we're all together, because she was so used of the crunch of her shoes on the streets of London, fast pace yet no matching tones of footsteps beside her. to accompany her in the throng of busy lives and stressful weather. :)

she forgot that she was this open and loving friend for all.

and that day. that day and night. reminded her of how happy she could be if she remembered the good things in life.

New Year

2011-01-01T02:36:00.000-08:00

there's nothing worth more than seeing the whole family gather and have some fun.

there's nothing more precious than seeing your family laugh together.

the beauty of everyone eating together, sharing the same piece of meat or chicken, exchanging jokes, fooling around....it's lovely. everyone is happy. :)

the best thing to happen on the first day of the year. :)

this is the firework, the countdown, the excitement. no need to go out on new year' eve, when you have one that can tear the house down at home. :)

2011.

happy new year, everyone.

between the doorway

2010-12-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

it's true. my professor told me that, when you leave your country to study overseas, you're actually in the doorway between your country and the country you go to get education.

how? why must it be doorway? why not just i immerse myself into the walls of London and still attach myself to the smell of green forests early in the morning in front of my house in Malaysia? it's possible. but we can never get enough of just one world. sometimes, it's the best of both worlds.

i didn't believe this when my writing prof told me this. i thought i was adjusting well in London; a place that i've come to adore despite its unpredictable weather and the sharp immaculate British accent as I hear snippets of conversations on the streets. i thought everything was the same; what with the UK road system also used in Malaysia and how everything is on the right instead of the left like in the US (I will need to deal with the left-ness of US next year once I reach into the concrete jungle of NYC) i felt the same despite the everlasting layers of clothes i need to wear just to step out of my flat. i thought i was the same, the same old girl with tempers to deal with, parents who just can't really acknowledge that I'm already an adult living my own world out there, my annoying siblings that i miss dearly and a boyfriend to look forward when i go home, loving the way Indian food in London tried its best to mimic the wonder of spices used in Malaysia. ah! the list goes on and on. i can keep drone on if only you can bear with me.

no. it IS different. the proof? i'm here. now. in Malaysia. missing London that I hate so much because of the weather (I love the city though). Irrefutably, I love wearing simple attires with no eccentricities of matching my grey scarf with my pink coat, choosing which boots to wear to avoid slipping on the challenging icy path on the way to class. i can wear sandals, slippers. heck, i can wear shorts when i'm at home. :) why the clothings seem so significant? they're just clothes. hell no they're not. :) in London, i tend to reserve myself (something that my friends in malaysia will ridicule if they see this and my friends in London understand completely). in KL, i am back to my boisterous nature, loud, sunny, happy. funny how the clothes i wear can just affect my openness. luckily i do not need to cover up my head with layers of head scarves or else, i would never have the chance to think about this. haha...:)

not just personality that has changed. my senses are more alert. i become aware of the tiny details that i've always neglected on the roads as i drive my dearest car, ignorant of the glinting roofs of the house near the roundabout or the rusting yellow bus parked in front of my sisters' school. food? food was extremely delicious. i used to hate chilli, now i asked for more (although still at a very low rate compared to my sisters who love anything overly spicy), realizing that my tongue has tasted bland food for quite a while. not that the Brits do not have delicious food, it's just that, I grew up with the aroma of spice and the sharpness of taste as my body endeavoured the ecstasy of Malaysian food. :)

senses. personality. sounds pretty cliche. sounds like you're heard it from your mother who went overseas or your friend who experienced the same thing. yes, you've heard about how people changed. maybe that's why travelling broadens your knowledge. not only in the geographical, historical senses. but the way your soul change. your senses. your personality. you. change.

now, i think my neighbour is cooking nasi lemak. hmm...

oh. Mum called. time to gulp down her world class fried rice.

cutenya!

2010-12-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

i've heard of people thinking that women wearing the hijab are either bald or have bad hair. haha...i didn't believe it at first.

until three people confessed to me that they thought i'm bald. =.="

i don't feel insulted tho. haha. i find it cute somehow. i love seeing their faces the first time i let this hair of mine get exposed in front of the girls. :) bila nmpk my hair, they'll gush...n say wow..nurul..we've never seen your hair.

my reply? 'did u think i hv no hair?' *they'll blush n nod* hehe. :)

when i first came here, my flatmates were pretty cool about seeing my hair. so i thought, no one can think i'm bald ryte? but they have a different case pulak. i took out my telekung n sejadah...they admitted that's the first time they see muslim praying up close. :) at first, they were pretty afraid and curious of what i recite in my prayers and they were like reallyyyyyyyy worried on why i had to pray so many times. :) haha...after a lot of explanations and girl talk about period and stuff....they understand that i'm not that different pun. :) just kene solat. n pakai tudung n jaga diri elok2. :) as in no drinking n drugs. :)

sometimes when they're drunk, they'll say, nurul how we wish you can go out partying with us n drink some beer or play tequila game or something...wear nail polish, get high and show my hair. n wear make up everyday...:) hehehe...well, girls...i'm happy as who i am ryte now. i may not have a night life here, but in Malaysia, i can get pretty wild. >:) remembering the midnight trips to kedai mamak, wayang and all...my idea of having fun is just different. :) but i accept the way you girls are. just like you accept me. :)

truthfully, it gets lonely sometimes. they even think i'm sweet n innocent (kalau laaaa kawan2 msia tau ni..mau kene gelak...) but x kisah. masing2 ada pegangan masing2, n i love how they respect me n xde pulak nk prejudice ke apa ke. :) Thank God. :)

London: Arsenal & Chelsea

2010-11-28T08:47:00.000-08:00

Went to the Emirates Stadium and Stamford Bridge yesterday. With my buddy, Akmal.

Frankly, Emirates impressed me more..duh~~ they just built a new stadium..of course la lawa..hehhehe....we didn't get to go inside coz we didn't book the stadium tour thingy. but serius awesome. i mean, it's nothing really, cause i felt like i was in some kind of a daze or something when i saw the place. Grand might not be able to actually describe the place, but the aura..fuhh...Gunners ganas woo. :)

as for chelsea, kinda disappointed me. HAHA. i mean, they have cool posters on the walls around the stadium, but......their stadium looked more like an office rather than for a place where people shout and yell supporting the Blues. imagine the blues i felt when i saw..how...well...how normal..Stamford Bridge is. HAHA. :)

of course, other than thousands of pics...(180 je kot), we went shopping. chelsea has two storeyed store. arsenal? TWO different stores at one stadium. =.="

Akmal went crazy as if he had seen the 'Light' when he saw the Arsenal logo. first time i ever saw a guy overwhelmed with emotions when seeing a LOGO. a freaking football logo. chill, man. i love football too. but i don't worship it. HAHA. :)

the weather was of course..cold. nothing new about that.

but the warmth we both shared when going to these two stadiums we only heard in news before....was good enough to make us forget the biting wind.

Viva Chelsea. Gunners? Rock on. both of you color the football world.

next up, Anfield and Old Trafford. :) oh yeah..White Hart Lane anyone? :)

essays

2010-10-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

just got my essay for my social book review today. the grade? let's just say, it's not my best. and i could have done better. even for my cultural class, my essay was disappointing. but it's ok. i can do this. maybe i'm still adjusting to the new environment where every subject is not scientifically objective and has many twists and turns to approach.

i need to write like everything in essay form. for social, for cultural, for WRITING (naturally) class and my fave econs too.

coming here, i realized that my English actually became worse. i'm pretty freaked out when they, especially the professors, keep on saying that, it's ok ,we understand that you don't come from an English speaking country or English is your second language or third language. somehow, i just don't get it. are we (or am i ) really that stupid that my grammar is disastrous or my word choices are just too complex for non-English people like us? they said that, ah yess....u r indeed intelligent but we might need to send you to an English intensive program. Now, I do NOT mind at all going there to ask for the professor to read my essays and i must say, i was pretty impressive. i get the benefit that other so-called English speaking kids don't. i get extra attention and that advantage is totally for my gain. :) hehehehe....

thinking back, am i intimidated by my international friends who speak English better despite coming from China, Korea and so on? or is it maybe because they had their American education style ever since they live in the US? or is it just me again, being insecure of myself.

blaaaa..blaaa..blaaaa.....get it out of your head, girl. think of your strength. and conquer your weaknesses. (better stop before i ramble on)

Culture shock or just different culture?

2010-10-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

Well, if you guys heard or seen in the media that LONDON is awesome, think again.

If you've ever heard that the British people are reserved, believe me...they're TOO reserved to the point of being COLD. maybe it's their dark gloomy weather that has shaped this sort of 'reserved' culture'. if so, London will most probably only be warm and friendly during the summer. during the winter? i might have problems during that time...=.="

proof that they're 'reserved':

1. when you smile, they look at you as if you're a psychotic person, got loose on the streets from an asylum. (ok, maybe i'm exaggerating but still, they have 'that' look)

2. when you smile, or nod your head, they either look away, or just stare at you blankly.

3. when you walk, you say sorry, they only grunt and just keep on moving.

4. when you look at their babies, or children, and the infants and kids smile and laugh at your funny faces, they immediately remove the infant from your sight.

5. when you say hello, they might answer briefly, perhaps coldly, hi. IF you're lucky.

6. their customer's rights are kept well. and their treatment in the stores are just lovely. but once they close, eventhough you're a regular customer in their store, they MIGHT not even know you.

7. when you do kindness, they look at you as if you're a God or some kind of a prophet.

8. my friend once saw this scene in a super market, this boy was short of fifteen pence fromthe things that he bought, a seven year old kid, on the verge of tears, saying, "i'm sorry, i thought i had enough!" and the cashier went like, well, you gotta put one thing back in order to pay for all the stuff. =.=" how cold is that? and there was all these people, some wearing Prada shoes and super branded coats, were NOT even helping this kid out, with FIFTEEN PENCE. at last, my friend, (we're all broke college student), gave this boy fifteen pence and he looked at her like she's some kind of a Goddess. :) some people are just heartless. :)

9. in the tube, you either shut up and don't stare at people's faces or plug in your earphone, and engross yourself with your nails or something. as long as you don't look, or speak to anyone in the tube. =.="

10. when you see all this thing, and experience them, you miss the warmth at home. i mean, both literally and contextually. even i can turn into a 'reserved' person if this persists.

Anyway, these are just my negative views. Not EVERYONE in UK is like that. maybe it's just the city like any other cities. even back in my country, we have this sort of problem. But STILL.....

maybe it's just me being homesick and starting to find faults in the place i'm living ryte now. hahaha...(^_^) *cheers*

Changed; yet remain the same.

2010-10-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

For the sun rays peeping behind the towers,

for the rain that falls on the cobbled streets,

for the hopes and dreams vibrant around me,

for the anxiety and fear building on the walls,

I know I shall make it through it all,

changed; yet remain the same.

Love

2010-10-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

Learnt about love in class today. from the Epic of Gilgamesh.

basically, in my interpretation, it's about homosexual love between Gilgamesh n Enkidu (i'll leave u two to read about these two). but it's not the point. read below.

it's pretty wonderful when my professor came up with this question, "has anyone of you ever fallen in love??". NOBODY raised their hands including me. maybe it's just an embarassing moment when people just won't admit that they're vulnerable and their hearts are at someone's mercy.

we discussed about how love can change people, in this epic's context, to be better. and indeed, i must agree that love DOES open up my VULNERABILITY, i need my loved ones all the time and it will hurt me badly if anything happen to anyone that i care about. but vulnerability here is not a negative meaning. it shows that you're humane, and you have emotions. i used to be cynical, to be so anti-men, believing that they are horrible creatures that God created to oppress women. (i know in Islam we're equal and all, still, i gotta admit, n Yusuf knows about how feminist i can be), my views are somehow contaminated with bad relationships, divorces, guys being jerks, in short, TRUST and LOVE are for those who are lucky enough to have them.

what i understood was, love, is a God's gift. true, it can hurt you, it can cause you to be irrational and it can give the ultimate happiness or devastation in your life. this is vulnerable. this is being human. these are our emotions.

so, if we deny LOVE, we're denying our very own existence and nature. don't deny that you've fallen in love. or fallen OUT of love. or faced rejection. or simply accepted but then it didn't turn out like waht u expected. don't worry if you're hurt once or twice or in my case, thrice, but despite my cynical ways, my faith helped me open up to someone who doesn't believe and trust people before either.

i dunno why m sharing this thing with u, nabilah and Iqbal (can't really talk about love to my sisters coz they're still in school..=.="). maybe i just wanted to say, i'm glad i know how to love. with all my heart (shared with the love of God, parents, siblings, relatives, friends).

muahx! :)

homesickness, perhaps.

2010-10-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

sometimes, it's eerie, i can feel your kiss, your hug.

and without me realizing, i cry.

you may think i am weak.

but the tears that fall,

those are the ones giving me strength.

sometimes, it's eerie,

to see your face in the crowd,

and as i get near,

the person looks nothing like you,

perfect with your imperfections,

i feel this heart ache,

craving to hear your laughter,

dying to see your smile,

raging to feel your hand brushed against mine,

but i know.

you wouldn't want me to think about all these.

if only you know how hard it is for me,

to wait for you,

that anticipation broken when nothing came from you,

that small joy when seeing you through the windows on my screen,

you told me not to wait,

but what if my whole life right now, i depend on you?

i can't really tell my parents, i'm scared,

i can't really admit to my siblings, i'm sad,

i can't confess to my best friend, i feel bad

but i turn to you instead.

for my vulnerability is yours,

for my trust is yours,

for my love is also yours.

and then,

i look at the clock,

the time ticking away,

waiting for the day for me to go home.

look further beyond

2010-10-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

it's really interesting how first impression always seem to prove you wrong. like, prejudice. u see someone's face like he or she is snobbish, turns out, u guys share the same crazy laughter.

u see someone looks at you like you're some kind of a loser, a freak, at the end of the day, he or she comes to you and confesses, you're admirable.

u see someone who is just carefree, like nothing in the world worries them, but then, he or she, comes to you, with an anxious look, admitting being constantly worried, asking for your advice on how to overcome the problems with his or her work.

u see someone who seems to flirt with every guy or girl he or she can get, in the end, you know how faithful he or she is to their other halves. :)

so, u see, not everyone is like how we perceive them.

sometimes, you just gotta be out there, and learn that prejudice or assumptions just lead you to another interesting part of someone. :)

being far apart

2010-09-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

it's not painful.

yet once it pierces, the wound doesn't really heal.

who said it's easy?

yet who said it's challenging?

i still have you.

in my mind,

woven deep down in my heart,

in the reverie of my memories.

and that's all that matters.

missing the language

2010-09-23T04:27:00.001-07:00

it's been three weeks since i first set my feet out of malaysian soil. homesickness? excitement? anxiety? everything's jumbled up in the drumming beats of my heart.

to jot down the things or people that I miss, well, let's just say, it'll be one heck of a long list. but then, when i come here, i realized that i really missed malaysian language (with all the rojak2 one). it mesmerized me on how i took it for granted all these years. :) just like how the english speaking people take their grammar rules for granted too just because they thought speaking the language is enough to master it. :) trust me, we gotta LIVE in the language. :) and we've been doing it without us realising.

whenever i meet another muslim, yes, they're my brothers n sisters too. but they're not Malaysian, they don't speak Malaynglish or Malay like people at home do. it is true, that our language IS unique. maybe some people won't agree so but here, I've met French, Greek, Spanish, Taiwanese, Chinese (china mali) and italian. and they all love their own mother tongue and use it as much as possible although we communicate in English. the Korean gang ( i call them gang because they're so clustered together) will speak ONLY in korean when they're with their fellow countrymen.

there was this hilarious incident which my new bestie, Rachel Marie, she sometimes like to pronounce things in Malay. she had this funny slang of pronouncing my full name. here, they don't call me hidayah because it's kinda hard on their tongue. hehehe....even my name Nurul they made it sound like NEWRUL. which is coincidentally my email address too. =.=" the other day, she thought she knew what she was saying in FB when she tried to type a sentence based on the words i've written on my wall and status.

surprisingly, the sentence make sense, maybe it's just her luck or maybe she used Google translator which i doubt because the mistakes she made with the grammar (now i sound like my BM teacher) were kind of genuine. :)

the best part is, when i skype or meet any Malaysian in the streets, when we speak, the others will be just as fascinated to listen as they will when hearing languages alien to their tongues. :) and they will never really know when i swear in Malay. :)

touched.

2010-08-22T18:07:00.001-07:00

i can never thank you enough. you made me feel touched with those kind words, those inspirational reminders.

you made me feel like crying yet i hold back my tearful emotions because i know you're trying to make me feel stronger with your love and support.

you're a good friend, buddy. and you know you are. best friend to me. Thank you for remembering me in your prayers when others won't even remember me in their memories.

i want all of us to share the same success in our lives. no matter where and what you do, you know success is always there, somehow just reachable if you work hard for it. so, for now, my friend, let's study. then, let's achieve our material dreams of monetary luxuries.... hehe...and then, let's make this love and friendship last till the end of time. :)

take good care of yourself too. we'll keep in touch despite the distance, weather and time differences. :) it's gonna be tough but knowing i have you somewhere out there supporting me, i know i'll make it through.

may Allah bless us all. :)

p/s: since i'm not going to celebrate raya here with you, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf zahir dan batin.

wonderful weekend.

2010-08-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

I had fun this final weekend i'm here in Malaysia before I leave for London. :)

Starting with Friday, I hung out with my besties in UNITEN. Sogo and Jalan TAR were our shopping destinations although at the end of the day, Iqbal and I just sat down watching cars caught in a traffic jam because we were tooooo exhausted. Lanie and Atul were the ones who maintained their shopping stamina till the end when I saw Amore and Ain resting in the prayer room at Sogo. :) as for my dear Lina, she's having her sweet time with Syuk. :) We did nothing much together except when we broke fast together because we were all searching for our own stuff. But, I HAD FUN. that's important. super tired but happy. and I love you people. the ones that matter to me in UNITEN. :)

Saturday, I spent my time with my Shahian 0408 buddies. KLCC was our spot. break fasting picnic style at the park. :) was a lil bit surprised at how large the crowd was and was thrilled with who turned up for the event. it felt like old times when we annoyed each other constantly in class although not all of us are classmates. :) and it felt good. cameras flashed thanks to Slurp, Jpah, Burn and Shahir. :) naqi, hana and hawa had to change their sunway plans. out of nowhere, Fadzir and Con came. :) Nabilah was there to get to know iqbal. fahrid, piju, rabab, fie, ain and suha with their excessive conquer on the cameras. a'a with his lovely 'daughters'. and i blushed a lot when they teased me with him. and we all ate NOISILY at a side of the park. haha..:) to those who attended the event, I just wanted to thank you people because all of you made it a memorable day for me. one sweet moment I know I'll miss the next time you all have another gathering. :)

Sunday, i decided to spend time with my family after soooo much complaining from my dad and brother. =.=" but it's worth it. i know i won't be going to kampung for this year's raya, so, when I turned around to see that lovely house of my grandparents, there was this lump in my throat. Not sadness, just the thought that I won't be able to laugh and tease all my cousins when they all balik kampung nanti. i didn't get to send my bro off to his school but it's ok, he'll come home again next weekend. in which i'll depart for London.

thank you, my dears for the wonderful weekend. and Iqbal, thank you for being with me all this while. :)

May God bless us all. wish me the best. see you people soon! :)

being the eldest. being a girl. being a daughter.

2010-08-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

being the eldest, I know how huge my responsibilities are in setting a good model for my brother and sisters.

Being the eldest, I know who I am and what I'm supposed to do in life.

Being the eldest, I also know that certain things will never receive approval by my parents. Plus, I'm a girl. I hate hearing people say "kau tu pompuan. x leh wat itu, x leh wat ini." in my feminist side, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT WE WOMEN CAN'T DO WHEN WE KNOW THAT WE CAN DO IT.

being the eldest, I know I'm the one who will face all the risks in life first and whatever I do, my siblings will have to learn from my mistakes.

right now, having a relationship to someone who really cares about me is one of the REJECTED topic for my parents.

Well, I'm a little bit upset with you, mum and dad. It's not like i'm stupid or abandon my studies all together. That boy is also studying. And he'll be in US like I do. we both know our priorities are in studying and achieving our dreams in life.

what does falling in love have to do with destroying my future when i still know that my priorities are in studying and achieving my dreams? i still know my responsibilities. i still know who i am. i still know that whatever it is, family comes first.

that was my status in FB a few days ago. It's just frustrating when I am judged even before i can explain myself.

for them, being in love is inappropriate for someone studying like me. Well, hello world! you two fell in love when you were studying as well. where's the harm in that?

I'm not being angry or rebellious, mum and dad. I just want you to know, that I've grown up. and being in boarding school and in my previous uni, i had to survive myself. so, i've learnt a lot of things. stop treating me like i'm some kind of 9 year old naive kid. I know both of you love me so much, but it's time to let me go and let me grow. I will make my own mistakes. All i'm asking is for you to accept me and my decisions and just advice me when I face difficulties. Not make it harder for me by making me choose between family or him.

I think it's time for me to have some ME time instead of kaklong should do this, kaklong supposed to achieve that.

Ayah, ibu, i'm sorry. But please, give me a chance to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I know you both love me dearly and are just being protective. But in the end, I will need to survive on my own.

I'm sorry if having someone special in my life right now changed me.

That's not the whole point. I've grown up...so, I am CHANGED. regardless of having a relationship or not.

London, here i come!

2010-08-01T20:24:00.001-07:00

Leaving soon. :)

London, here i come!

Single or being in love?

2010-08-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

For my teenage years after hitting puberty, make it 6 to 7 years of my life, I was single. Boys or guys were just immature for me and I think I'm not beautiful enough to capture their attention anyway. My realistic ways believe that love is all about physical and material stuff. It's about being pretty enough for the guys you like or rich enough to buy him or her stuff that he or she likes. now i think of it, maybe i was just immature back then.

As much as I enjoyed being single, with the freedom to flirt around and have a lot of male friends to allow me to get to know their gender, I still search for the one. I still looked enviously at couples at the shopping mall, married couples with their children or even old couples who have aged together till they can meet their grandchildren. My motherly instincts are high maybe due to the fact that I had to take care of four siblings younger than i am. but my love instincts? I can never be sure of who I'm searching for.

Then, again, I thought, I can never believe in love. What does it have to create such beautiful yet sometimes scarily tragic events in life? Why is Romeo and Juliet, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and almost every single fairy tales and legendary stories portrays love?

Then, how come when I think I've found the one, they hurt my feelings? Or, when a few guys came to me and confessed their loves to me, why can't I just accept it?

maybe, I was scared of the thought of being committed to someone who is never closely related to me. it has always been about being the role model in my family, and being a good friend to my best friends. never, have i gave a damn thought if being willing to sustain a love relationship.

I look around me, I found out that love lasts, love breaks, love hurts and love is just love.

Now, as I'm 19, i get to experience it for the first time.

No, not all guys are aiming for women's boobs and butts packages. Sometimes, they really want to find their soul mate. No, beautiful is good but not all guys see it as important. No, being in a relationship does not take away your freedom although sometimes you wish you're still single. No, when you're in love, it's actually learning how to accept a friend unconditionally. No, love is not how hot you are or how handsome he is. No, love is not about money. Yes, being in love changes you.

But why does my parents remind me all the time not to be in a relationship? if not, then, how am i supposed to experience the wrong ones before i find the right one?

Love makes you think of things you've never thought of. Love makes you feel crazy and sane at the same time.

Love makes you see things you never even bother to look at before.

Maybe that's why, I start seeing things that i want in the future.

shoutout

2010-06-15T22:06:00.001-07:00

I AM MADLY IN LOVE.

listen to me

2010-05-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

i wish i can tell you.

i want to shout out your name right now, in the middle of this crowd, and say the three sacred words of love.

I LOVE YOU!!

hell, i'm IN LOVE with you.

but, despite the screams in my heart,

my lips remain tight.

for the hope that you'll feel the same way flickers with non-existent sparks.

should i be pathetic by waiting you to start first?

or shall i remain quiet like this forever?

because i can never find the right words to tell you how i feel.

i need help.

i need YOU.

when there's expectations....

2010-05-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

When you expect too much from somebody, you are vulnerable to the feelings of rejection, hurt and many other painful ones. But when you expect nothing, you’ll have a lot of blissful moments. That’s why they say, expect nothing and you’ll be happy.

Let’s say, you are best friends with B, a person whom you can share anything and everything without feeling insecure or fear of being judged. Tell me, there will be one point which you will feel intimidated, feel annoyed by the very existence of the close friendship. To those cynical enough, yes, you will understand this feeling. You will understand the annoyance and the inexplicable irritation when somebody other than your family knows you too well. You can’t lie to them, you can’t keep secrets from them, you can’t hurt them without hurting yourself as well. You hate that you love him or her so much. This is what best friends can do to you. Regardless of how annoying he or she is especially in quarrels or fights, you have that nagging feeling, sometimes tired in the subconscious minds of yours, somewhere deep down in the bottom pits of your heart, you know, you can never live without them. You can never face the day without seeing your bestie’s smile and will always look forward for the appreciative or criticizing look in his or her eyes when seeing you in your new outfit. And when you quarrel and become temporary enemies, you know you’ll miss your best friend’s consoling words and supportive hugs.

Best friends are there when you need them. I mean, best friends are not the ones who demand you to share secrets with you when you do not want to. They’ll listen to you, judge you later. When you ask for their opinions, they’ll give, hurtful or not, they’ll be frank. Sometimes, when they don’t give reasons, the reasons will just dawn inside you, having that mutual understanding with each other. They tend NOT to say out loud the ‘I love you’ sentence for they know the sacredness of those three beautiful words. They won’t say, they’ll show. They trust you completely and do not question your loyalty. Sometimes, when you ask for assurance, they can get frustrated because it’s like you question their love. Best friends knows the exact thing to do when you’re upset, laugh together when sharing private jokes and will never reveal any of our secrets to others, no matter how tempting that can be. Best friends talk to you like an equal, not like you’re some kind of inferior character. Best friends understand that sharing responsibilities is important especially when you live together.

best friends will remain forever.

because the relationship rarely knows the meaning of ending.

our friendship

2010-05-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

you and i,

both of us together.

our friendship,

i doubt that it'll last.

for i see a stranger's soul in your eyes,

for i sense foreign words from your lips.

i feel mad at myself

2010-05-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself.

i'm just a soul with good intentions.

but, to the world,

my heart stinks from dark desires.

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself,

for being too nice,

for fearing other people's perception on me.

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself,

for i vent my anger, usually, at the wrong people.

sometimes,

i feel mad at myself,

for staying silent whenever people misinterpreted my deeds.

sometimes,

i'm tired of being the one who surrenders in fights,

most of the time, i do.

sometimes,

fatigue filled me, just to live up people's expectations.

well, now let me tell you,

if you cannot accept me as who i am,

then, i think,

don't even come near me.

for i will never fulfill your wishes and perception on me.

sometimes,

it's better to just hide this pain.

it's not how you think it is.

2010-05-05T12:56:00.001-07:00

if you think everyone else is always there to look out for you,

you're wrong.

that's why we have the word independence installed in the dictionaries,

that's why we need to use the survival instincts God gave us.

ironically, you seem to think that everyone is at your service.

no we don't. we have our own priorities and dreams too.

when in rome...

2010-05-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

when i was lining up to buy that movie ticket, my perception was a it's like any other love story. like valentine's day, like the proposal or i dunno how many others i've watched. my friends told me it's a good movie, so, ok, it's no harm watching it.

when i was sitting in the cinema, the theatre, lovers were around me. that time, it struck me that love's everywhere. i was sitting alone, in the middle of these crooning-to-each-other couples. but i was not lonely, somehow, i can understand how these lovers feel. it's just that my partner is yet to be found. somewhere, out there.

when i watched the whole movie, i could relate myself to beth, the main character. she's a workaholic (me? well, let's just say i'm somewhere between a nerd and denial state). she's fallen in love for many times and all those times, she felt hurt. she was cynical, totally believe in the perfection of her judgment. like me. as far as my ego can be seen out there, deep down in this little heart, i'm just a scared little girl who doesn't want to experience pain anymore.

when i saw rejection in the faces of those guys who fell for beth, i understood the dilemma. i understood the pain of saying NO although that's the right thing to do. i understood how it felt to be rejected.

when i saw the disbelief in beth's eyes, and the anxiety that filled her due to fear of the love story she was having was only fantasy until nick beamon convinced her otherwise. i understood that fear of being hurt again. i understood how much effort is needed for such a huge commitment.

when in rome made me see.

when in rome, i felt inexplicable emotions.

when in rome, i just felt like i should open up this heart, with old wounds all over, to heal with love.

when in rome, maybe, just maybe, mine is not in rome. the other half of my heart can be anywhere else in this world.

i just need to have faith and watch out for it.

when it comes, i shall embrace it.

wait for what it's worth.

2010-04-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

just wait for what it's worth.

for it shall come to you when you're ready to embrace it.

when you're brave enough to hug love.

when you've finally found what you've been looking for.

confession, rejection.

2010-04-23T02:25:00.000-07:00

after being quiet for quite a while, here i am.

with a new-but-not-that-new issue.

last night, a dear friend called me, A. he was very concerned with my emo statuses in FB. but then, i just didn't want to tell. it's not that i don't trust him, but everytime he called, he's been a very good listener. not that i'm complaining. but he's just too nice.

and then, out of nowhere, i started to talk about how i feel towards another best friend of mine, B. how i'm jealous whenever he's with his GF. i know, he's just a best friend, but somehow, i fear the thought of losing him. surely i'm glad for him to be happy with his gf, but, in a very selfish way, what'll happen to me?? true, i'm not going to lose him. i really hope he'll still care about me, get frustrated of my tantrums then worked his wonders of calming me down. laugh at everything, even to a single word that we both share mutual understandings. make pranks. and just sit close to each other, knowing each other's scent too well. i know i'll miss all of that. seriously, i know it sounds strange, like i'm in love with my best friend, but i'm not. i just don't want to lose him. is that the same?? i love him because he's my best friend, not because of this lovey dovey couple love. right?

then, as i finished telling A about B, suddenly, A said something about being true to my feelings. i should always believe in who i love. he told me, the feeling's beautiful. but learning from my sad past experience, i lost faith in the beauty that love brings. yes, i care about my family, i care about my friends but i can never imagine myself having a relationship with someone. with anyone. all i can think of is my studies, my future career, my family and my friendships with others. not enough space for special commitment to anyone. yet. no.

that was when A confessed. he poured his heart out. he said all the nicest things any girls would want to hear. i thought i was dreaming, for never in my life, guys talk to me like that. when i hear all those words, it's like i'm in another dimension. he accepted me as who i am. he's willing to know me better. he'll wait. i didn't have the heart to say a direct No to him. i don't want to be like the guy who rejected me upfront. i asked for my friends' advices, for they know, i never had any special relationship with anyone my whole nineteen years of life. i'm not ready. when this thing suddenly leaped out of my friend's voice in the phone that night, i couldn't grasp anything. i asked him. i freaked out. i tried to make him stop. but who am i to stop his feelings?? is there any way for me to make him stop? just like how i can't stop my feelings to B or the guy who rejected me?? for me, GUYS are always FRIENDS. nothing more even if i have a crush on someone. egoistically, i will never admit that i fear pain and hurt if any sort of relationships of mine do not work out.

my friends said that i should give it a try. frankly, it WOULD be nice, if only i never had any painful experiences before. my heart's not ready. everything's super fast. i love being single. i'm free to flirt around and i don't have to be committed to anyone. i can mingle around without feeling guilty or betraying someone. i can go anywhere with anyone that i want. but then, the loneliness comes. my friends already have their own lives with their respective partners or whatsoever.

i don't want to be in love. yet.. i want to keep my love for my future husband, whoever that might be. i shall wait. i want to maintain my faith, that to fall in love doesn't mean i need to be in a relationship now. i'm sure one day, A will find his true love and B, well, my best wishes for my best friend as well.

and one day, when my heart's truly ready, i shall be brave to embrace love.

but, that day is not today. not yet anyway.

for fear still lingers in the depths of my heart.

the pain still aching from past experiences.

God, show me the way. shoe me the right thing to do even if it'll break my heart or his.

Fight the dragon.

2010-04-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

He breathed the cold fire of fear,

sending shivers,

through the deceitful fiery red warmth.

he stunk of fear,

the stench unbearable at times.

his eyes dark with bottomless fury,

penetrating you with naked agony.

i reached out my hand,

warm of affection,

i let the fragrance of humility and contentment enter,

and i portray the empowering calmness.

he, who sensed my strong presence,

who had all the power to eat my strength,

or the claws that may scar my emotions for eternity,

bowed.

bowed to the shield of love and friendship,

leaving the black cavern behind him.

inferiority, insecurity and worry.

2010-04-08T02:52:00.000-07:00

i've always wondered why do inferiority, insecurity and worry occur in our lives.

when i come to think of it, i've felt these three negative feelings quite a few times in my life, or rather, unfortunately, a lot lately. but, i've also found the positive sides of these feelings. :)

i know i'm good. in my academics, in my personality, in sports, in life. but why do i still compare my achievements with others? i know that 3.5, 3.6 or 3.7 is good because that's the only possible measurement i can use to calculate my efforts in studies. and although my marks may not be 4.00 flat, i've learnt to accept this subtle failure to my friends who achieved perfect pointers. not that i'm easily satisfied, it's just that i'm being realistic. i know that my efforts may not be as many as my other friends, so why should i complain when it's mostly my fault for being online 24/7 or not paying attention in class? just because you're not that good in one field makes you a complete idiot in other parts of life.

i've come to a tragic realization that i should've worked harder. but still, why do i feel inferior? is it because people judge intelligence by academic measurements? so does that make me stupid? or in a more polite way, potential student? in my country, most people do think that way,, regardless how they try to hide it. hell, in the world, academic achievements are like the gold tickets to success. that's almost true. and humans have come to a frantic obsession about it. however i've also found many inspiring stories about supposingly low educated people succeeding in their lives. like this guy only achieved until high school cert but turned out to be a millionaire 20 years later. does inferiority help him to succeed in such drastic yet sweet way? for me, inferiority is the wrong word. for me, humility is the correct and nicer word to use in such context. be humble not inferior. BELIEVE IN YOUR STRENGTH, AND CONQUER YOUR WEAKNESS. true, others may be more intelligent, but remember, God created EVERY SINGLE HUMAN to have brains. and also, EVERYONE IS SIMILARLY DIFFERENT. and it's our responsibility to nurture it with His knowledge. so, not that the next time you fail a test, or flunk in your exams, you are entirely stupid. maybe you need more efforts, or pay more attention in class. or you're just much more intelligent in something else. USE YOUR BRAIN TO IMPROVE YOURSELF. :) not make it worry about being inferior.

my personality? i always have my dearest friends to give constant vigilance and opinions. true, there will come to a point where these dearest people in your life will hurt or scratch wounds in your heart. they'll be too frank, too honest or just too complaining. and you'll be too annoyed to care anymore. rather than shrugging all those comments, do grab some points from their words to get to know yourself. remember, only SOME, not ALL. if he or she complains that you're too sensitive or just too emo, think again. don't justify your mistakes, learn from them. don't try to make them see why you were sooo touchy about a small matter. maybe, you should've been less serious when they're joking or maybe you should open up and share the bad feelings to lessen the burden. you understand their comments, you LEARN about yourself. and if YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT, well, at least, CONTROL it. that's where confidence is born. you are in full command of yourself, not to what others say. BUT, DON'T BE SELFISH AND VAIN. just because you think you're too good, you just don't care anymore. well, if that's so, don't expect people to care about your feelings in return. :) it'll make people hate you more. :) LISTEN AND LEARN WHEN OTHERS SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU BUT YOU DECIDE YOUR OWN FILTRATION FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT. after all, everybody hates everybody at some point. :)

worry? it's indisputable that we need to face stress in our lives. it helps us to stay focused on things that we want to do. like achieving our goals, or restlessly waiting for university offer letters to reach your mailbox or your exams or the unfinished projects due soon. it is also indisputable to NOT carry the burden ALL THE TIME. i may not be a good advisor regarding this thing for i sure tend to worry about many stuff every single day of my life. but, i'm too tired of frowning and thinking obsessively about something that i really appreciate the beauty of calmness. i have my optimistic friends, supportive parents, lovely sisters and cheerful carefree brother at my side when i start to crease my forehead. they'll ridicule me in a funny way that i laugh my stress away. look around you.stress is there to help you stay focused on your track not to make you slip sideways to its jeopardy. you do not want to look wrinkly and too serious because that makes you look older. :) stay childlike. practise prioritizing and dividing your works. HAVE A ME TIME in your daily routine. fight the sighs and use laughters. fight the drooping lips with smiles. :)

be humble, not inferior. be confident, not insecure. be headache-less, not worry about everything ALL the time. :)

so much for inferiority, insecurity and worry, huh? :)

before we come undone

2010-03-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

before we come undone,

wrap me in your embrace.

for i fear, that the strings attached,

will snap once the scissors of misery cut us apart.

before we come undone,

keep me in your dreams,

for i fear, that once you open your eyes,

i will fade from your sight.

happiness comes from within

2010-03-30T01:15:00.001-07:00

did you know why when we were young carefree little kids we can smile and laugh as if there's nothing wrong in this world?

because we didn't care that much back then.

we can simply laugh at nothing.

yet we still feel happy.

as we grow up, we are burdened with responsibilities,

expectations, anxiety and many other so-called miseries we face daily.

we smile less let alone laugh.

happiness is no longer a constant thing when stress and frustration fill our days.

but did you also know, that we can always be happy?

really constantly?

try this.

everyday, i will look into the mirror, after i wake up or taking my bath,

i will smile.

not some made up smile, but sincerely smile.

i will vainly admire my dimples especially the deeper one at my right cheek.

because i feel good seeing myself so happy.

look at how your fresh face in the morning lights up when you smile.

i always do this.

even when i feel i got up at the wrong side of the bed.

i feel good because i smiled to myself.

it's not much different from smiling at others,

but this smile has a rather personal touch,

as you are actually smiling at your soul,

embracing a new day of life.

happiness really comes from within.

pain

2010-03-30T00:59:00.000-07:00

pain is a great teacher.

because from it, you will learn strength.

thus, you'll unleash your inner power until you find serenity,

the tranquil garden of your own mind.

nothingness

2010-03-30T00:13:00.000-07:00

i may be super duper sensitive, or overreacting. or just mindlessly worry about nothingness.

but, that's me.

i noticed we've changed so much. not that i wanted to be selfish or what, just that, no matter how selfish this might sound, i thought you're some sort of my possession. i know it's silly. trust me, i've been so frustrated about the changes, everything seems new. and you. well, you are far way beyond my reach anymore.

i understand that you're a grown up and you have all the rights in this world to be who you want to be. now that i've stepped out of our world, i see you from a different perspective.

you're somehow different. your views are different. your ideas and beliefs are different.

you're just plain different. you're still the same person but with a different aura around you.

and to my utter disbelief, i no longer shared the same views as yours.

i will not judge who is more rational, or who's more matured because i believe in accepting people as who they are. no matter how difficult it might be.

because i believe in patience and its rewards.

because i believe that anger and irrational confrontations can lead us to a dead end.

because i believe we are all different and at some point in our lives, we will go our separate ways, no matter how we want to stick together till the end.

our laughter, is no longer synchronised in the same way. there's an awkward edge to it. there's a slight pause as we glanced at each other.

usually, there's this comfortable silence. but now, silence is unbearable. there are so many things that i want to confront you, but until now, my courage only persisted in this blog post of mine where not many know of its existence.

when i think again, let it be. maybe it's the best for now. call me a coward, call me a scaredy cat. i believe it's the best to let you go and venture your world without me by your side.

if you ever need me, just call out my name, and i'll do my best to come over the instant you call.

a note from me:

this is just a perspective of mine that i know many people have faced. including myself. no worries, take these changes in a positive way. there are various changes we will face throughout our lives. behaviours, habits, lifestyles, attitudes and beliefs. embrace the fact that you are you, and they are who they are. these people can be your family, your dearest friends or whoever that you love.

changes can be very overwhelming at times, usually during the initial moments. but if we strengthen ourselves and embrace these changes, we'll appreciate our lives more. because life is about changes and how you adapt yourself to find your true inner world in the end.

the umbrella

2010-03-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

they say i'm lonely.

so, will you accompany me?

let's share the umbrella.

so that i can protect you from the rain,

and you can provide me the warmth i needed.

let the umbrella shelter us from those who are trying to break our bond.

let the umbrella do its job. :)

make it stop.

2010-03-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

STOP!

i'm suffocating,

i can't think.

all tangled up in the turmoil of love.

although you're way beyond my reach.

awkward

2010-03-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

look, i'm over it.

stop acting so awkwardly around me.

i want to be able to talk to you properly.

i want you to look at me in the eyes when we talk.

i want you to be yourself when i'm around.

i want you to laugh when we all make fun of each other.

i miss our old friendship.

so, please stop being awkward.

because i'm not.

the ugly duckling

2010-03-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

she once told me,

she was an ugly duckling.

in terms of the insignificant physical appearances.

not that she's not grateful of what God bestowed,

just a realization she bravely accepted.

she said,

nobody looked at her,

with her dark skin,

even darker hair and eyes.

her clothes are too boring.

her face clear from the ugliness of make ups.

well, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder indeed.

sad to say, most beholders are blind.

they do not see what SHE HAD INSIDE.

until one day,

no, not any prince charming,

just another ordinary guy,

handsome with his confidence and honesty,

his wit swept her off her feet.

he saw what others didn't.

he saw a really beautiful lady,

right there,

with her beliefs, opinions and wisdom for life.

she, whom they called the ugly duckling,

the independent, strong ugly duckling,

has finally became a swan when the man of her life,

accepts her as who she is.

you can do this.

2010-03-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

so, here i am.

fretting my head out. being tired with the non-stop thinking processes i've been doing since the last few weeks.

one beautiful morning, still dripping after a long shower, i checked my mailbox. the usual facebook notifications filled everything before i saw that SCARY email of YOUR NYU DECISION. i opened it, taking in deep breath, just wincing as i thought of rejection (had many bad experiences on rejection). My mind sort of accepted the fact when i read 'WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE UNABLE TO OFFER YOU ADMISSION TO COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCE. so there goes my dream place to study finance. the word HOWEVER made me read the whole text. i couldn't believe my eyes. Alhamdulillah, i got an offer to NEW YORK UNIVERSITY on a liberal studies program.

the best thing about this program is that, i need to study in either london, florence or paris for my first year before i get to go to new york for my sophomore year. i chose london. always wanted to go there. :) and here it is, the chance. tO GO BOTH NEW YORK AND LONDON, two famous cities in the world.

i can assure you i was totally giddy with the news that at first, i didn't tell anybody. imagine me, the boisterous, hyperactive girl keeping a secret and shutting her mouth and most of all, remain calm when delivering the news. being usually excited about anything, that's something new my body and mind need to handle. i mean, it's a good news but i didn't declare it until i went to class which was at eleven o'clock that day. i was scared, if i tell, i'll wake up from a dream or something. i told my friends in a gradual manner. today, him or her. tomorrow, him or her. then, them. my sd frens of course and a few others who really helped me a lot throughout the year.

so, now, let's see the problems.

1. NYU is not listed in sime darby's list.

i will have to work hard for this. i've already asked a few of my seniors about the process to 'fight' for getting sponsorship to go to a uni that's not in the list. plus, since the offer is about going to two wayyy different cities, i will need to convince them. convince them like NYU's my life. :)

2. my parents and a few of my cousins were not that keen.

when i delivered the news, my parents were like, NEW YORK??!! how about cost of living, how about the expenditure?? and all the financial worries. my cousins, they told me to be practical and realistic. hmm...well, from my point of view, i would be angry that they did not share the same excitement as i did because, first, they DON'T EVEN HAVE AN INKLING of how the USapps work. secondly, they're just focused on me going to Australia and not see my potentials in US.

however, this is where my role needs to be played really WELL. i will need to show them the financial state can easily be controlled. i'll ask about my seniors over there in New york (or anywhere near new york). about practicality (like going back to m'sia in case of emergency), well, it has yet to be thought of. i'll think of something. i know i will do whatever it takes to get to my dream school.

come on hidayah. you can do this. (^_^)

bitter heart

2010-03-11T00:55:00.000-08:00

he's bitter,

with a broken heart and fragile smile,

he despises lies.

he loathes fabricated truths.

and for him,

LOVE is one of the bullshits.

though from far away, I wish I can sweeten up his heart again.

today

2010-03-06T07:58:00.001-08:00

last night i slept early,

fatigued and tired.

today,

i woke up to the shining face of the Sun.

receiving various happy calls,

wonderful messages.

today,

i turned 19.

today,

i feel appreciated.

today,

is just like any other day,

except that it's MY birthday. :)

you are beautiful

2010-02-28T15:17:00.000-08:00

oh my, oh my!!

you're beautiful.

simply wonderful.

why?

oh...

just the dimples on your cheeks when you smile widely.

just the sincerity that shines through you eyes.

just the confidence you radiate to others.

just the sensitivity that touches people's hearts.

just the softness of your voice when you're trying to calm hearts full of storms.

just you.

being yourself.

yes, you are God's beautiful creation.

bless those hearts

2010-02-28T15:07:00.000-08:00

bless those hearts which are sensitive.

bless more to those which love.

forgive those which hate.

strengthen those which misses their loved ones.

glue those which are broken.

control on those full of desires.

medication needed for the bleeding ones.

pump more blood into happy ones.

just bless those hearts.

which bear the souls.

and become one.

a war where everybody wins.

2010-02-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

today is the big day.

take out your swords.

open up your shields.

we're going to fight this war.

a war of obtaining success.

a war without violence.

just a war full of determination.

inspired by dreams and desires.

a war where everybody wins.

you don't scare me.

2010-02-26T08:19:00.001-08:00

you don't scare me,

i possess what you don't.

you can't grasp my fears,

i own what you don't.

you can't crush my hopes,

i made them invulnerable to you.

you don't scare me,

for i am myself.

i just couldn't.

2010-02-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

i wanted to tell the whole world,

about my love for you.

but i just couldn't.

i wanted to dance my love,

sing it or write a poem,

but i just couldn't.

i dreamed a fantastic dream,

of me in your arms,

and a long warm kiss.

i wanted the cat to answer me back,

when i held her and called your name,

but she just couldn't.

i tried to tell my sister,

about my love for you,

so that her big eyes could look at me,

the way i want you to,

but she was asleep,

so i just couldn't.

my folks say I'm too young to be falling in love,

i tried to change my heart,

to make my mind stop thinking about you so much.

BUT I JUST COULDN'T.

i wrote your name on all the paper of my diary.

i took a letter i wrote you to the mailbox.

BUT, I JUST COULDN'T.

this is a poem by HASNA MUHAMMAD. just wanted to share it with you. :)

do

2010-02-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

do what is right,

that's a good thing you can do.

do what is wrong,

that's the source of lessons in a lifetime.

do what you think is best,

for you,

for the ones you love,

as that'll bring eternal happiness,

though you should not fret,

that you might get hurt along the way.

do face the challenges bravely.

do it YOUR way.

just let me go

2010-02-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

set me free from the cages of your love.

set me free from your hollow shadows.

set me free from the ropes of pain.

set me free from the angry waves of tears.

set me free from the toxic coldness of yours.

set me free, my dear.

just let me go.

i'm the champion

2010-02-25T08:45:00.000-08:00

i'm the champion.

the champion of life.

the champion of dreams.

the champion of achievements.

the champion of emotions.

the sole winner in my world.

for i lived everyday,

as opportunities raced my way,

when others waste their days.

you did not leave.

2010-02-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

as i climbed upwards,

i noticed you were right beside me.

panting, tired but very spirited.

you did not leave,

although you have the obvious option.

i took your hand,

together we soared high above,

our firm hands feeling glad of each other's touch.

the reason

2010-02-25T08:24:00.000-08:00

i want to hold your hand,

for there lies my happiness.

i want to hold your hand,

for there lies my strength.

i want to hold your hand,

for there lies both of us.

nothing left to say

2010-02-25T05:43:00.000-08:00

i ran out of words.

tears ran dry.

just cradle me in your arms.

the comfort from the familiar scent of you.

the warmth and the rhythmic heartbeat only you have.

for that's where i know i suit well.

when there's nothing left to say.

just stop. please.

2010-02-25T01:51:00.001-08:00

what is it with you that you seem to hate me so much??

not only it shines clearly from your eyes,

but through your icy cold words on me,

and your behaviour of leaving me feel so defenceless,

when i need you so badly.

is it my exuberance?

my loudness??

my honesty?

my positive bubble irritates you?

my ever nagging personality?

or just plain bullshit attitude as you called it?

you hurt me more than once,

trust me, you still do.

you claimed that you're my friend,

but i barely know you,

far beyond trusting you.

stop it.

stop opposing me.

stop making me look like some kind of a bitch,

when you already have the attitude of one.

stop turning me into a miserable you.

how can you be nice to our other friends?

and you only come to me when you're in despair?

your selfishness sickens me.

your hypocrisy is more than i can handle.

if this is what you call fury,

so be it.

you need some lashing anyway.

and for that,

my apologies shall go astray.

the ray of hope

2010-02-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

the low rumbling sound of thunder,

the flashes of daylight brightness from lightning,

the cold raindrops thumping against the windows,

as if they were made of rocks.

the hunched posture of those evading rain,

it's like everything's gone wrong.

but wait,

the thunder is just there to show how the voice above giving guidance,

the flashes of lightning gave me a glimpse of which path i should choose,

even in the suffocating darkness.

the raindrops are there to protect me with its comforting rhythm,

the assuring melody of keep going on.

and the hunched posture,

well, it's just a reflex of protecting myself.

i will have to straighten up again,

for i know, God created us to stand straight,

to be brave even there are burdens way too heavy for the shoulders.

oh,

there,

behind those dark threatening clouds,

i saw a ray of pure sunshine.

so divine is the ray of hope.

appreciation.

2010-02-24T05:40:00.001-08:00

i was taken by surprise.

you sent me a message.

well, a very simple one.

a thank you note.

a well done note.

a thumbs up sign in your message.

you put that smiley for me.

your supportive words were ringing in my ears,

as my heart silently read them.

then, a smile crept to my face,

i was blushing really hard.

and my heart sang with joy.

when i least expected it,

you gave me the unexpected. :)

and...

that is enough appreciation.

for my soul to continue,

my passion.

thank you.

and this is for YOU. :)

acceptance

2010-02-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

you will never understand, because you are not ME.

you may think i'm childish,

when you yourself whines and complains about everything.

well, if you notice, i don't complain of the silly stuff. you do.

you may think i'm a pessimist,

but you never see me brighten your days up with positive bubbles around you.

building that wall of confidence for you.

but have you ever asked how my walls are going??

you didn't even look at the cracks i was facing.

you may take advantage of me,

because it's hard for me to stay angry, you thought it's my weakness, but beware.

my patience have limits.

you may think i'm a crybaby,

but here, some news flash for you!, i don't cry for nothing.

if you think tears are a weakness, think again.

maybe you're too cold that your tears gave frozen.

you may think you know it all,

but when you face difficulties, why do you seek me?

you may think i'm being a hypocrite,

oh, remind yourself, what did you do when i asked for honest opinions?

you may think i'm worthless,

because i noticed you use your sweet words to me only when you want something.

you may think i'm stashing secrets away from you,

maybe the only reason is i don't trust you.

you, who called yourself my friend,

today, i tell you. honestly.

who you really are,

because i think i should help you to see,

to accept me as who i am.

the fresh air of victory

2010-02-23T21:56:00.000-08:00

as the sun sets,

sweat trickled down my forehead, my back.

the grip on my ball remains,

as the soft thud thud rhythm filled the court.

i looked around.

there were my friends, my teammates, my comrades,

my family cheering at the bench,

calling out my name,

dashing around, meeting eye to eye.

i saw the lines, the 3 pointers, the centre of the circle.

oh, the lines are strong indicators,

then, i saw my goal.

the net, the board with a small square painted above the net,

my aim!

i inhaled deeply, feeling the oxygen seeping in my blood vessels,

propelling my muscles to work.

and there,

i ran, and dribbled the ball beside me,

chasing out those who try to stop me,

guarded b the strong fort of my team,

and i shot.

WHOOSH....

the ball entered neatly.

there was a stunned silence,

before the mega outburst from my team,

then, i felt myself, rose to the air,

smelling the fresh air of victory.

hey there!

basketball has always been my passion. so, here, i shared the feelings when i play it, and how i adapt the game into my life. as you may read, i put my friends and family inside, the strong pillars in my life. without their support, i might crumble to pieces today. as for the lines mentioned, (the lines drawn on the court), i see those as my challenges. you know, in every game, there's always limits and rules. true, in my life, i find myself to keep my toes on the line though i may have crossed them a time too many. :) but, these lines are a reminder that i have pushed myself to achieve the best within the range of my abilities. they are also reminders of mistakes and failures that i have faced. not that they'll bring me down, they bring me lessons of life. then, the goal. the aim. the whoosh sound as the ball entered. that indicates my aims, my dreams. some of the goals, i haven't achieved yet but i'm proud to say that i've given myself a few beautiful shots and scored well. and i can assure you, the air of victory is indeed wonderful.

i don't just play basketball, i live it. :)

the only accessory that appeals.

2010-02-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

i love accessories.

i have necklaces, bracelets, earrings.

these i wear to make myself more appealing.

but,

deep down,

there is always one accessory that is my favorite.

but, this is subtle,

only those who know will see,

and those who are attracted,

and those who sense the power,

an those who treat it with respect,

may wear the same thing too.

only those who wear will shine,

through the darkest, scariest times.

and this,

is the necklace of

believing in myself.

if you were ever to leave me again...

2010-02-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

you promised.

and i believed.

yet, you still left.

and you wrenched my happiness away.

and left me strangled with tears, despair.

then you came back.

you think i was jubilant.

true.

but,

this time,

i've prepared,

with my own shield,

if you were ever to leave me again.

smile

2010-02-23T20:44:00.001-08:00

YOU CAN DO THIS.

STRETCH THOSE FACIAL MUSCLES.

AND SEE YOUR DAY BEING ENLIGHTENED.

as we fly high

2010-02-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

as we fly high,

i held your hand tightly.

your gentle squeeze assures me,

against my powerful grasp.

although i know you'll never let go,

pain in the past told me,

to cling on whatever hope there'll be.

reaching out my hand

2010-02-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

if there is one last good thing i have to do,

it will be letting you go.

even if my life shatters to pieces.

no worries, i'll be strong.

for you are always here,

sewn into this strong heartbeat.

as i stare out the window...

2010-02-23T19:47:00.000-08:00

where were you when i needed you?

well, isn't it a consolation that i can wonder where you've been to??

at least, i have an image of you to cling to.

hello letter. :)

2010-02-23T02:37:00.000-08:00

hello mr postman, any letters for me today?

sorry, young man. maybe only yesterday.

oh, it's okay.

as i look away,

then i saw your neat handwriting flying my way. :)

i may sound seriously pathetic.

2010-02-22T00:31:00.000-08:00

hey you.

yes, YOU!

come here.

stay with me, open your eyes, listen closely.

i like your hat, if you want it back, come find me.

so that i can put it back on that soft wavy hair of yours.

i'll make you smile that dazzling smile, like no other can do.

there are a lot of pretty faces, but all i see is you.

i'll shower you with love, a love none other less than what this small fist of heart can give you.

i'll cuddle with you as you sleep. because that's when you seem so vulnerable and i think i need to protect you.

i'll kiss you in the rain, to warm you against the cold rain as it pelts against the window.

i'll ward off the evil of those who want to bring you down, because you deserve to fly high.

i'll stop the traffic just to show how important you are to me so that the whole street knows.

i'll buy all the ice cream from the ice cream man to sweeten you with the sweet sensations.

i'll call using the public phone to talk to you, so that you will always have miniature surprises on your private number to fill your day.

i'll fold a thousand paper planes, each paper written with supportive words for you so that you feel light when the burden strikes you.

i'll sing my heart out, might be out of tune but i know the melody will never leave you.

i may sound seriously pathetic right now, but that's what love did to me when i first saw you. :)

slowly

2010-02-22T00:17:00.000-08:00

slowly.

inhale.

exhale.

the rush of vapour escapes these dry lips.

then,

as the eyes saw a tall looming figure ahead,

slowly,

recognition hits the mind.

that very same posture.

oh, my dear friend is back.

and that's when these cracked lips burst into a smile.

like any other days...

2010-02-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

sorry. too loud. (a teenager with head banging music in the middle of the night)

nope, put it that way. (a lady boss arranging her office)

why don't we try it this way instead?(a manicurist at job)

like i said, please, do not touch it. (a slightly irritated salesman restraining his anger)

do you even understand what i'm saying?(an angry lover who hopes the other one to listen)

yup, sure. whatever.(an indifferent kid when being scolded after school)

are you even serious?(a colleague who's panicking)

seriously, trust me in this.(a calm and confident friend)

hey, watch where you're going!!(a bike rider yelling on the pavement)

whatever you do, keep on doing it coz i'm done. (a frustrated clerk)

hello gorgeous. (a fashion consultant greeting his customers)

hello handsome. (a wife so lovingly greeting her husband at home)

have a nice day. (a hot dog man selling at the park)

hey there, you left this.(an honest man at the train station)

sir, may i have your ID please?(a policeman at work)

ma'am, i didn't do anything. (a juvenile delinquent denying mischief)

honey, i love you. (a mother declaring her love)

mum, i'm home! (a girl calling out for her mum as soon as she opened the door)

hey, dad, look at this. (a son showing his new invention of Lego structures)

ugh, you stink. (an irritated sister allergic to a smelly brother)

why don't you go play barbie instead?? (a brother bullying his sister out of jealousy)

is that how you feel? i feel the same way. (twins when their instincts are connected)

stop it! (a brave child defending a friend from being bullied)

i love it, no matter how it might suck.

that last statement??

oh, we all should say it. to our blissful lives. :)